In her book Secrets of Marital Happiness, Barbara de Angelis suggests learning about four symptoms of a love crisis. I hope this knowledge will help you understand the reasons leading to the extinction of love.
“Love does not fall apart overnight. There are symptoms, warning signs, indicating that emotional stress has reached a critical point. I divide these symptoms into four stages, covering the entire critical period. People fall under the influence of these symptoms all the time. If you do not learn how to manage them, the symptoms will turn into four stages of the extinction of love. These four symptoms are: resistance, resentment, disconnection, suppression.
Resistance
It is perfectly normal when, when communicating with another person, even very close ones, you resist him. This happens when you do not like something in his words or behavior. You feel dissatisfied, irritated, emotionally detached to a certain extent.
Example 1. You are lying with a partner in bed, about to fall asleep. He suddenly becomes active, clearly wanting to make love. You experience internal resistance, you think: “I wish he would show more tenderness and patience. He's in too much of a hurry."
Example 2: The wife is talking to her best friend and joking all the time about what a bad father you are. Internal resistance is brewing in you, you begin to feel irritation.
Most people ignore the resistance phase, pretending that everything is in order. At the same time, people think something like this: “You should not be upset because of nonsense. Don't be picky, everyone has their flaws. It’s better to forget about it, why rock the boat?” This is your first mistake. You cannot ignore the feeling of resistance that is brewing in you, otherwise you will soon find yourself in the second stage. If you suppress the feeling of resistance, do not share it with your partner, the tension accumulates and turns into a second symptom - chronic resentment.
Resentment
I mean chronic resentment, which accumulates in the soul of a person, if he constantly suppresses the feeling of protest, resistance. You are no longer just annoyed by your partner's behavior, it seems unbearable to you! If resistance causes only irritation, then resentment causes anger. You constantly experience anger, hostility, disappointment, and love feelings are out of the question. That's when you start building an emotional wall between yourself and your partner.
Example 1. Your partner is constantly impatient when having sex, and you do not tell him about your displeasure. In the end, you are simply unable to endure his habits - they become hateful to you. You think: “Why does he treat me so rudely? How insensitive he is!”
Example 2. Your wife constantly nags you for allegedly not paying enough attention to children. You do not like her criticism, but you prefer to remain silent. In the end, a serious resentment arises in you: “Why is she picking on me all the time? After all, I work hard from morning to evening at work, and she only has to worry about messing with the children.
If you do not tell your partner about your resentment, the resentment accumulates and leads you to the third stage - the stage of disconnection.
Shutdown
Disconnection means emotional, and usually physical, separation from a partner. The love crisis reaches this stage when the feeling of protest and resentment completely destroys the emotional intimacy with the partner, so you prefer to separate from him. Shutdown occurs in two ways:
Active Disconnect: You openly reject your partner. You threaten to leave.
Refuse to fulfill his wishes.
Complain about him to all your mutual friends.
Scold him with your last words.
Refuse to have sexual contact with him.
Try to spend as much time as possible without him.
During quarrels, leave the room, slamming the door behind you.
Passive Shutdown: Your partner may be unaware of your attitude, which shows up in a hidden way.
You fantasize about other sexual partners.
You have a romance on the side.
You don't react when you have sex with a partner.
You lose sexual interest in him.
You immerse yourself in work in order to spend less time at home.
You don't listen when your partner is talking to you.
You don't agree with him no matter what.
Secretly, you dream of "freedom" - to break up with your partner and start life anew.
Sexual Disable:
In the third stage of a love crisis, sexual life is disrupted, if not completely disappears. You cannot be sexually interested in a person who only annoys you, you prefer to switch off. Your sexual desire is weakened, if not completely disappears. It may very well be that you assure yourself: I am not interested in sex at all. The mere thought of intimacy with a partner can make you feel disgusted. If at the same time the marital relationship continues, your life is constantly filled with either negative emotions or deadly boredom. It depends on what type of shutdown you have chosen: active or passive.
Most couples break up at this stage. Breakups are usually painful because there is a lot of anger and bitterness in the relationship. If you do not tell your partner that you have “disconnected” from him, the emotional tension continues to grow and takes you to the fourth stage - the stage of suppression.
suppression
Suppression is a state of emotional deafness. When you are tired of resistance, resentment, disconnection, you begin to suppress your negative emotions in order to feel better. This process can occur both consciously and subconsciously. Falling into a state of suppression of feelings, you say to yourself:
"Don't fight about it anymore."
"It doesn't matter."
“We need to somehow get along - at least for the sake of the children.”
"I'm too tired to argue with him."
“Everyone has their own problems, it’s better not to pay attention to them.”
“We have to keep up appearances - after all, we have children (neighbors look at us, I have to think about my work, the church does not approve of divorce, etc.). Let's be civilized."
If you are in the fourth stage, emotional deafness will be your companion for the rest of your life. You lose passion, as if you cease to live. Your mood becomes even, dull, boring. You feel tired all the time, lack of energy. It is possible that you will be able to suppress the pain, but at the same time joy and acuity will leave your life.
Suppression is the most dangerous of the four symptoms, because a person can easily fall into self-deception: he begins to believe that his family relationships are quite normal, although in fact mortal danger hangs over a person. I have often worked with couples in the repression stage. They all thought they had no problems. Of course, they did without sex, without passion, without joy. Usually such people say that they have “sorted out their problems”. This means that they have learned to suppress their feelings and can now, at the very least, coexist. From the outside, it may seem that such a married couple is quite satisfied with their lives. Spouses never quarrel, do not argue, they are always polite with each other. At first glance, such a relationship can even cause envy. And then you suddenly find out that this "ideal" married couple has taken and divorced. “I don’t understand anything,” you say. “They were so happy!” They weren't happy, they seemed happy. These people suppressed their unpleasant emotions, and they ended up killing their own love.
To live at this stage is also abnormal from a purely physiological point of view. When a person suppresses hopes, dreams, desires, tension accumulates in him, which affects the general state of health. I believe that one of the main problems of our society is that there are a lot of people around us who suppress their feelings. When conventional means are not enough, these people resort to alcohol, drugs, tranquilizers, overeating, fanatical industriousness and other inadequate types of behavior ...
People need to be taught to get rid of emotional stress, to be taught to analyze their feelings and be able to express them.”

When we fall in love, our black and white life is colored with rainbow colors. New love changes our thoughts, feelings, perception of the world. Our thoughts get confused, our feelings sharpen, we begin to see everything in a rosy light.
* I always ask my clients to talk about how they felt when they first fell in love. This is very useful because it makes you remember what is easily forgotten in the hustle and bustle of everyday life: they can give each other the greatest joy and pleasure. I like to analyze the courtship period in detail - it explains many of the reasons for this connection, and also often reveals the beginnings of the contradictions that arose between them later. In most cases, signs of imbalance appear very early. It is important to recognize them immediately, so the expression "diagnosis is half the cure" is quite true.

Love

Pleasures and dangers of passion.
* When clients first enter my office, they may be depressed, preoccupied, angry, and even grief-stricken. But as they talk about the early days of their passion, there seems to be new hope in their voice and eyes. And they have an increased desire to solve their problems.
* Why is one person more attractive than another?
* In order to answer this extremely complex question, we must consider the basics, namely our desires, especially desires related to other people - the so-called interpersonal desires. Satisfaction of such desires requires interaction with other people. These desires play a major role in our emotional well-being and are the driving force that governs human behavior.
* There are two types of interpersonal desires. The first type is the basic ones, which include the need for communication, intimacy, sex, and approval. Basic desires push us to communicate with other people, which should ensure the survival of our species.
* The second type includes special desires. For each of us, special desires make up a certain unique mosaic. They give us the criteria to find the right partner that would fully satisfy us. These desires cause us to have a preference for everything from value systems, books, and professions to hair color, sense of humor, and physique. They determine the kind of relationships we want to create—perhaps energetic, perhaps serene—and push us to people who can help us establish those relationships.
* Special desires may have different origins. Parents, people and circumstances surrounding us in childhood, have the ability to shape our preferences. The experience and relationships of later periods of life have the same opportunity, but to a lesser extent. Our desires grow and change with us. Even the cultural era plays a role in shaping our special desires.
* Threshold of reckless passion.
* Everyone has what I call the threshold of reckless passion. We reach it when two forces collide.
* First, we must be in a state of concern. That is, it means that our relationship does not bring us satisfaction. It happens that someone's interest in us awakens a dormant need, which then requires satisfaction.
* Secondly, we must meet someone who, as it seems to us, answers all our desires. If we have strong basic desires, we become less picky than usual. And if we are lucky and we meet someone who meets our countless special desires, then we experience the so-called love at first sight.
* We all have different thresholds for reckless passion or inclination that determine how we fall in love. Some people fall in love all the time, some only once; some fall in love in the blink of an eye, others only after they get to know the person well.
* When someone crosses our threshold of reckless passion, we experience a sudden and dramatic emotional rebirth. This person suddenly becomes the focus of our hopes and desires, and we have a new sense of delight in life. It seems that the gates have opened and our pent-up desires are flooding out. "It's like you're breaking some kind of barrier." The desire to satisfy our desires explains why we can fall in love, knowing almost nothing about a partner.
* Love is out of control.
* When attraction develops into passionate love, passion quickly overwhelms us. In the dictionary, the word "passion" is explained as "emotions out of control." Passion cuts the channels that connect the mind and heart, which makes it easy for us to confuse blind infatuation with true love. We will experience both in the same way, and our inflamed consciousness is not able to distinguish between them.
* Whether your feelings turn out to be whimsical, whimsy, or deep and long-lasting, the initial sensations are similar, the feelings get out of control and suck us in.
* In fact, all "new" lovers find that their "normal" way of thinking and behaving is replaced by a pleasant, but truly frightening. Fear arises from the realization of uncontrollability. You really lose control when you fall in love, because falling in love entails an emotional driving force that Freud called cathexis. Cathexis occurs when your emotions focus on the object of your love to the point where you lose control of them.
* Risk in love, like any other risk, contributes to the release of special substances into the brain that make us perform optimally in order to survive. In situations where there is a real threat to life, they help us run faster, fight longer, be stronger, endure pain and focus on the source of danger. However, these powerful stimulants sometimes have a side effect: they cause pleasant sensations. That's why so many people enjoy taking risks.
* When you fall in love, the romantic equivalent of a life-threatening situation arises: you tremble in anticipation, your palms sweat, your heart races; you are energized enough to make love all night and feel normal the next day; you focus on your lover, forgetting about everything else; your senses are heightened; your charm and mind are intoxicating; you do not pay attention to life's troubles. You even look better. You reap the benefits of losing control of yourself, which on a biochemical level causes an increased joyful mood.
* Fear of being rejected.
* Fear of rejection is one of the main reasons that cause a sense of danger and love passion. As soon as we fall in love, there is no trace of confidence left. We are afraid of losing love.
* Fear of rejection opens up feelings like jealousy, obsession, and self-doubt. The inability to control another person, feelings of insecurity and vulnerability can be extremely disturbing.
* As Freud stated: "We are never so open to suffering as we are during love."
* Your loved one may lose interest in you or find a more desirable partner. Nobody is immune from this. Most of us know from our own experience that what is left behind is pain, penetrating into the very depths of the soul and demoralizing like nothing else. Until we are deeply confident in our partner's love, the possibility of being rejected makes us powerless and more passionate.
* Love makes us crazy. However, it rarely erases the instinct of self-preservation, which creates in us an irresistible desire to understand the feelings of a partner. This desire forces us to develop our ability to understand the words and actions of a partner. Usually we don't care about them, we don't pay attention to the information we receive, but I have rarely met people who have been rejected without seeing signs of this beforehand.
* During courtship, we try to protect ourselves by constantly evaluating and deciphering our lover's behavior. Lovers instinctively evaluate each other's behavior. They count the time between the last meeting and the next phone call, pay attention to hints about the future, judge whether the partner shows more or less attention. When we love, we are very sensitive to these kinds of signs that show how close or far the partner is. However, we are so focused on the object of our love that we lose sight of some of the nuances of behavior. We constantly receive information and calculate what the chances of being rejected are. This allows the fluttering lovers to feel a faint but reassuring sense of control.
* There is one flaw in our system of evaluation and decoding. As long as we don't get too deep, it works great. If we see signs of withdrawal in our partner's behavior, we should logically walk away from the relationship in order to avoid trauma. However, having invested a huge part of our feelings in another person, we internally protest against this, signs of distance give rise to even greater passion in us, and passion has the peculiarity of filtering out bad signals, concentrating only on the good ones.
* Sometimes it happens that a partner is frightened by the danger of being rejected when the relationship has just started, and because of this, he may decide to break off the relationship early. People who choose to do this are usually going through a period of instability or are still suffering from previous relationships that ended in abandonment. By accepting the role of the rejecter, you immediately gain strength and are freed from the fear of being rejected yourself. However, in doing so, you miss the opportunity to find true intimacy.
* The stumbling block is courtship.
* We usually think of courtship as a set of "ritual acts" that allow us to seek and express love. However, I believe that courtship has a different purpose, which is related to interpersonal relationships.
* I have already described how the loss of control over the feelings of a new partner gives rise to both fear and passion. Now we need to understand what these feelings force us to do in order to gain mental control over a partner. Our main weapon in this campaign is our attractiveness, or our ability to attract. Both consciously and unconsciously, we use a myriad of tricks to appear delightful in the eyes of a partner. By putting on a performance worthy of Shakespeare, we show our own brilliant version.
*Looking good, or more accurately looking the way you think your partner likes, is a basic courtship ritual. The reason for imitation is that we want to show the person how compatible we are.
* When we seek to take over the thoughts and heart of our beloved, we are interested in his most serious passions and concerns, and then show that he can share them with us. It doesn't have to be something intellectual. Demonstrating admiration for a person's work or hobby is essentially the same. Love makes us chameleons; unconsciously, we try to help our beloved, to show him that we are able to satisfy his specific desires.
* In the same way, we attract and charm partners by suppressing our bad habits and managing negative emotions. If by nature we are slovenly, we suddenly become neat, our house is never as clean as at the moment of the first arrival of a beloved, we never lose our temper, show our anger or be petty with our beloved. Instead, we "turn on" all our minds, all our charm, humor, we provide support, help, show sympathy and approval at any opportunity.
* Gifts and spending time together.
* From a modest box of chocolates to an expensive diamond necklace, gifts are the most common courtship ritual. Most often, the gift is something dear to the heart, romantic, sentimental or attractive. Gifts that lovers give each other are rarely something down to earth or practical, like an electric can opener. Making gifts, lovers seem to say: "Love me, and I will always give you special pleasure."
* The same goal is pursued by spending free time together. During courtship, we act like millionaires. People who usually care about money notice that passionate love turns their value system upside down. The highest goal becomes the pleasure of the beloved, the satisfaction of his desires, and money becomes only a means to achieve it.
* The biggest gift is three short words.
* Declaration of love is a stumbling block in most relationships. Usually we do not take risks until the partner gives us enough encouraging reasons. The likelihood that a loved one will not reciprocate makes us as insecure and passionate as possible when we say: "I love you." After the lovers confess their love, they are at the top of sensual experiences. From this point on, genuine intimacy can begin and a gradual weakening of the fear of rejection can begin.
* The gifts we give and the money we spend during courtship make us feel like examples of generosity and selflessness. But, of course, we get something in return, the pleasure of pleasing someone we love. There is nothing selfish about it.
* Excitement, fear and altruism of courtship hide the decisive, main motive that encourages us to give pleasure to another, to gain control over the feelings of a lover through attraction. Our psychology is reduced to finding a reliable source of satisfaction of our desires. Equally important is the desire to protect ourselves from the emotional trauma that will be caused by being rejected. To achieve this, we use all our power to bewitch the beloved, hoping that he will be so enchanted that he will not dare to even think about rejecting you.
* I do not want to say that lovers cynically manipulate each other's feelings. Our attempts to gain some confidence in a person who can satisfy our desires are quite natural. Courtship is aimed at attracting the person who is most suitable for us. When we are confident in this person's love, we can take back control, settle down and move on with our lives - something that is difficult to do when we are crazy about love or desperately looking for it.
* A fragile balance.
* In a harmonious relationship, each partner is confident in the love of the other. They are more or less equal in the strength of mutual attraction, in how much feeling they put into the relationship and how much of the needs of the other they satisfy. Neither feels overwhelmed, emotionally hungry, or takes their partner's feelings for granted. Their closeness is beneficial, and the freedom they maintain does not harm either of them. They are in balance.
* After regaining control and cooling off passion, lovers whose relationship is in balance experience manageable and deeper feelings. Ideally, passion “melts” people into each other, forming an intimate, fruitful, comfortable and exciting relationship for both.
* But there is a trap in the way of achieving this: love relationships are so dependent on the desire for pleasure and the fear of rejection that it is almost impossible to maintain balance. Now let's move on to consider the forces that upset the balance between romantic partners.

balance actions.

The alternation of forces in relationships.

All relationships are created by actions of balance. The uncertainty, uncertainty, and charm of young love help to maintain balance. But when a relationship becomes mature enough, it can be broken in the blink of an eye. Changes can also occur gradually, invisible at first, and later they will cause special problems and upset the balance.
* In my practice, I have encountered three main forces that upset the balance. Some violations are easier to eliminate than others, however, if partners are aware of the presence of these forces, they can effectively deal with them.
* Attractive force is the source of imbalance.
* What is attractive force?
* Although we do not like to admit it or may not even realize it, however, we all strive to gain strength. As for love relationships, these attempts look negative and destructive. However, it is natural to seek power and authority in our relationships if done in a sensible way.
* Most of us do not seek to control people, but rather, to control some elements of our environment in such a way as to satisfy as many sensual desires as possible. It means making and forming connections with the right people. As we grow older, we learn that certain qualities attract certain people, and we begin to understand which people most satisfy the whole mosaic of our desires. Then we cultivate specific qualities in ourselves, such as a certain appearance, intelligence, sense of humor, charm, sexuality and various abilities. Of course, we develop all this in the first place to satisfy others. But the main motivation behind "working on yourself" is the desire to acquire "social power" - our levers to control the world. Once we have armed ourselves with an arsenal of attractive qualities, we become able to attract people who both satisfy our desires and generate new ones.
* Learn more about attraction.
* The cosmetics industry is one of the five hundred most profitable. Billions are spent every year on everything that makes us attractive, from diet books to health clubs and plastic surgery.
*Looking good is really important. This gives us a sense of confidence and allows us to control the impression we make on people. But research shows that how we look matters only at the initial stage of attraction. Other qualities that attract and, more importantly, maintain romantic interest are warmth, cheerfulness, straightforwardness, honesty, gullibility, and a creative approach to life. And, of course, external qualities, such as power, fame, talent, youth and sexuality, will not interfere. Those who have these qualities in abundance can have so much attractive power that they will not be able to cope with it, as the tabloid literature convinces us.
* "They are made for each other"
* I believe that it is partners with the same levels of attractive power that are "made for each other." It is they who can feel as if they have been looking for each other all their lives.
* If you want to learn more about the power of attraction, go where couples in love like to spend time (for example, a beach or a park), sit there and watch. You will see that the partners look amazingly suited to each other. Their external attractiveness will be almost the same, and even they will be dressed similarly. The conspicuous difference between the partners must be compensated by the similarity in something not visible at first sight. A classic example: an ordinary old man with a beautiful young girl. Usually this person turns out to be rich and prosperous.
* When we think of couples we know, we automatically compare their levels of attractiveness. In casual conversations, you have no doubt heard: “She is so much smarter than him”, “He looks much better than her”, “She earns more than him”, We instinctively pay attention to these kinds of differences, because we feel that they portend an unfavorable outcome of the relationship. . Or we start looking for hidden manifestations in a less attractive partner that would compensate for the external imbalance. Some people think that external differences shouldn't matter. Of course, this is true, but experience shows that they usually do.
* It is easy to understand how negative actions, such as physical or psychological abuse, can damage a love relationship. But the paradox of passion teaches us that an imbalance in the attractive force can lead to the extinction and death of love. Even lovers who at first seemed to be made for each other fall apart when this imbalance occurs.

Declination of the scales.

"Vise" of a subordinate position
* When the lover realizes that the partner is more attractive than himself, the anxiety of courtship wrapped in pleasure is replaced by an unpleasant feeling.
* Attempts to escape.
* In some cases, when an imbalance appears early in the relationship, the subordinate is the first to feel it, and panic seizes him. Captured by paradox, he makes every effort to win the love of a partner. But at the same time, he undermines his position by openly showing his own desire.
* Usually people feel the moment when their relationship is out of balance. It starts with restlessness and deepening attachment of one partner and withdrawal of the other.
* Lead reaction.
* The main thing the facilitator feels is confusion. His mind and heart no longer work in harmony.
* The emergence of the paradox of passion.
* Although subordinates receive alarm signals from the fearful subconscious, most often these messages are misinterpreted by the love-drunk superficial consciousness.
* Imbalance caused by objective circumstances.
* The constant inequality between wife and husband creates fertile ground for the development of the paradox of passion. The low social position of the housewife in our society, combined with the social conditions that push men to pursue a successful career, often upsets the balance between partners.
* Emotional chain reaction.
* During the transition period, people become insecure and vulnerable. During times of intense stress, such as moving to a new city, moving to a new job, losing an old job, having children, or getting married, even very resilient couples can become out of balance. The results of the coincidence of two or more events can be extremely devastating.
* Imbalance caused by incompatibility of individual characteristics.
* In the following, we will take a closer look at the various individual characteristics, their compatibility and the ability to maintain a balance between them. Then we can explore more closely the positions of the leader and the subordinate and ways of gaining more power over these positions.

Leading. The burden of power.

The leader manages the relationship. By this I mean that the facilitator determines whether the relationship will continue or not. Sometimes, however, subordinates leave the leaders, but forcedly, as the leaders push them to this.
* I am sure that there were moments in your life when you were in a leading position. Everyone has experienced conflicting feelings and confusion when you are needed by someone who is not needed by you. It is flattering, but still you are not satisfied. Your self-esteem reaches a high level, but you are emotionally devastated and almost always forced to do things that are not what you want. When the situation is resolved, you expect a pleasant relief, but do not receive it. Let's now think about why and how the paradox of passion gives rise to a situation in which neither partner receives emotional satisfaction.
* The leader is not a monster.
* Due to the fact that the power is in the hands of the leaders, it is tempting to accuse them of heartlessness and fear of intimacy. However, in fact, most presenters really want to continue the relationship. Like subordinates, they are victims of interpersonal forces that separate people, bringing their relationship out of balance.
* It is true that subordinates suffer unbearable pain when they are rejected. But leaders also suffer from the loss of equality in relationships. They experience guilt, anger, confusion, self-doubt, and frustration. If they try to ignore it, the dynamics of the paradox will develop even faster. They may try to hide the weakening of love feelings for a subordinate as long as possible. Perhaps they themselves once found themselves in this position and experienced the despair of the rejected, so they will try to prevent this from happening to their partner. They themselves will also have to endure the fear of loneliness and take risks when looking for a new partner.
* At first, the facilitator feels joy and relief from the fact that he has won the love of a partner. Then he gets confused. He feels that his love is cooling down, but does not understand why. He may believe that this is a temporary phenomenon, but his mind is busy looking for explanations. If a paradox of passion has arisen, the duration of the leader's thoughts and anxiety will not affect the dynamics of his spiritual distance.
* You don't give me flowers...
* One of the early signs of a loss of balance in a relationship can be a one-sided shortening of the courtship period. The new host no longer feels the need to give gifts, spend money freely, suppress bad habits, and improve his appearance. In any successful relationship, intense courtship is replaced by habitual behavior.
* Many hosts come up with excuses that veil normal behavior for them. Difficulties at work are the most common among them. By blaming the work environment, we avoid unwanted confrontations about relationship problems.
* In a long-term relationship.
* In a long-term relationship, the facilitator's cooling takes the form that can be characterized by the words: "You do not give me flowers." Sometimes the changes are not very noticeable, but important, and there are times when they can change the entire lifestyle of partners.
* In happy, balanced relationships, "small things" are a common expression of affection and love. But when the exchange becomes one-sided, so does the relationship.
* Changes associated with the frog-prince syndrome.
* During courtship, we are not so blind as not to see the vices of our beloved. But passion does not pay attention to the shortcomings and even turns them into something charming.
* Gradually, as love fades, the leader's perception changes. He ceases to notice the attractive sides of the subordinate and focuses on his shortcomings. It doesn't matter how handsome a subordinate may be in the eyes of others. For the lead, the prince or princess turned into a frog.
* Ideally, during courtship, partners feel the need for intimacy, but a "denigrated" subordinate can cause a sensual distance from the leader. Men, basically, in the first place put the external data of the partner. As a result, the loss of attractiveness of a woman in a subordinate position can cause serious consequences, up to treason.
* An attempt at embellishment.
* The methods often used by the leader can serve as a solution to the current situation. But they are the least effective, as they contribute to the development of a paradox. These decisions, aimed at restoring the subordinate's original attractiveness, seem quite logical, but often lead to the opposite result.
* The embellishment solution involves the leader giving hints to the subordinate on how to make them more attractive. These hints can be rude or subtle and boil down to advice on how to change the hair color, clothing style, makeup to be pleasant for the presenter.
* Decoration brings the opposite effect due to the fact that the zeal of the subordinate strengthens the leader's confidence in his abilities. As the feeling of insecurity grows, the love fades.
* An implausible decrease in the level of intelligence.
* Subordinates lose in the eyes of the leader not only their external attractiveness, but also their abilities. No one has captured this phenomenon better than Marilyn French in her novel The Women's Room. After describing how young love becomes mature and goes through a period of idealization of lovers, she says:
One day the incredible happens. You are sitting together at breakfast, slightly in a "suspended" state, you are looking at your beloved, beautiful, precious beloved, and the beloved, opening your beloved mouth like a rosebud, and showing his sparkling white teeth, says something stupid. Your whole being freezes and grows cold. The Beloved has never said such nonsense before. You ask him to repeat, And he repeats: "This rain will interfere with us," and you answer: "No, it will not prevent us from rain. Maybe you should check your eyesight and hearing."
* Sexual attraction is notorious for being oblivious to the intelligence level of a new partner. Later, this can become a serious source of imbalance. But even in the case when the level of intelligence of partners is approximately the same, an imbalance caused by other reasons can make the subordinate seem not as bright as he really is.
* The sad fact is that the extreme tension inherent in a subordinate position can indeed reduce the intelligence level of the subordinate, as well as his charm and resourcefulness, which we tend to consider manifestations of intelligence. The subordinate acts stiffly, inhibitedly, awkwardly. When this happens, the host feels doomed to live with someone boring, annoying, annoying, and burdensome. This feeds the desire for sensual withdrawal.
* Traditional solution.
* When the level of intelligence of the subordinate in the eyes of the leader decreases, the leader can try the traditional solution.
* "Why can't you anymore..."
* A critical moment in the development of relationships occurs when, behind the bright facade of courtship, partners are faced with the everyday, unadorned appearance of each other. If the relationship is not balanced, the facilitator is disappointed with the "real" version of his beloved. He often discovers a lack of basic human qualities that he expected to find in a partner.
* On the part of the presenters, the phrase "Why can't you anymore ..." usually ends with the words:
to be so excellent;
so sure;
so interesting;
so sincere;
so successful;
so independent;
as funny as before.
* The leader does not throw such expressions in the partner's face, but uses them in conversations with friends about his problems. These claims show that the devoted love of a subordinate can elicit a reaction from the leader that reveals his dissatisfaction with who the subordinate is. This leads to a significant increase in detachment and polarization.
* The leader's desire will be simple, but impossible, for the partner to be what the leader wants. This desire is behind all the actions of the leader. But, as we know, it is fatal, because it requires excessive compliance from the subordinate and creates additional difficulties.
* The excitement is gone.
* Gradually, the sexual interest that leads to the subordinate decreases. Sex becomes a dispassionate release of tension or, as some of my clients have said, something to endure or avoid. For the leader, the excitement disappears.
* Erotic solution.
* Each of the partners can introduce an element of eroticism into intimate relationships in order to revive the desires of the host. The couple may try to activate physical intimacy with erotic stimulants, fantasies, special literature, medications, or achieve balance through additional partners. Of course, eroticism is not the only way out for unbalanced relationships, but in this case it often becomes a necessary support.
* The erotic solution may also take the form of travel to romantic places where passion may temporarily re-ignite. There is a hope to bring the resurrected passionate feelings home. Unfortunately, romantic vacations are usually only temporary.
* Another form of erotic solution is when the host closes his eyes during lovemaking and introduces someone else. Subsequently, lying in the arms of his partner, he may feel guilty about his fantasies.
* In the case of a slight imbalance, an erotic strategy can succeed by giving the host at least one good reason to keep the relationship going. You may have heard from a friend when he talked about his relationship problems: "it's hard to leave because sex with her is such a pleasure." But if the imbalance is great, there comes a point when no amount of eroticism can resurrect love feelings. The problem is that deliberate eroticism is intentional.
* Keep your secrets.
* Two people in a new, exciting relationship, close and balanced, tell each other everything. They talk about their feelings, share experiences and assumptions, just chat.
* But when the paradox begins to act, the host loses the desire to communicate with a partner. As with most other behaviors, facilitators don't realize that a tendency to hold back communication is a sign of emotional withdrawal. But the subordinate realizes this and tries to talk to his partner. Silence is one of the biggest barriers MCs build to intimacy. Due to the fact that leaders feel the emotional irritation caused by subordinates, such a barrier is necessary for them to survive.
* The host feels trapped.
* Gradually the facilitator's confused feelings take shape. Then he realizes that he has fallen into the trap of a relationship with a partner who loves him, who needs him so much, but for whom he himself is not sure of love. The facilitator may move on to another set of communication strategies, hoping to release the pressure on their feelings and free themselves.
* Admiring the opposite sex.
* At the beginning of courtship, lovers pay attention only to each other. But when the leader feels trapped, he or she may try to "visually" escape by watching attractive members of the opposite sex, often in the presence of the subordinate.
* Only a person can enjoy the beauty of another person, and many even happy couples resort to this from time to time. In a sense, admiring the opposite sex is an outlet for monogamous people, a gentle way of getting around something that goes against some human instinct.
* But when it is developed excessively, such behavior can cause a lot of pain and lead to serious problems. Those admired by the leader do not necessarily have to look better than the subordinate. What matters is that they are different, someone who is not under the spiritual control of the leader.
* Frank admiration can anger the subordinate and provoke him to supposedly joking comments. The facilitator may even try to get rid of this habit, but watching the opposite sex is an involuntary reaction of the brain to boredom, a way to find a stimulant on the side. Once caught doing this, the presenter may turn to covert tactics, like one of my clients who was throwing surreptitious glances at girls while his wife was poring over groceries in the supermarket.
* Parties.
* The next time you come to a party, carefully observe the behavior of the couples. You may notice a flirting woman surrounded by the attention of the crowd, and a frowning man in her shadow. Or a man dancing with all the ladies except the one he came with. She is talking to her friends, but her eyes follow him.
* Parties serve as a kind of temporary release for hosts who use them to justify their inappropriate behavior.
* Usually the subordinate follows the leader like a shadow, eagerly waiting for the moment of departure. Subsequently, both partners suffer - the leader feels even more strongly that he is trapped after a short sip of freedom, and the subordinate is even more worried about the possibility of being rejected.
* The leader is irritated.
* When we can't get what we want, it's natural for us to get irritated. The more the leader realizes that he is trapped, the greater his resentment. He is angry with his subordinate for disappointing him, and angry with himself for getting into a situation that only a storm of fiery emotions can change. Naturally, irritation contributes to the weakening of the feelings of the leader to the subordinate.
* The leader may be weak.
* The facilitator may be in control of the relationship, but feels they cannot control the situation. This important difference is a common cause of changes in the balance of emotional forces. Leaders who feel helpless often stop restraining themselves and attack their partner.
* Subsequently, they are frightened and shocked by their behavior. If the leader is weak, resentment and disappointment overwhelm him and result in action.
* Hosts tend to take out their anger on the little things because they are afraid to discuss more serious issues, such as the loss of love. Leaders often begin to constantly pester subordinates. This is not only an opportunity to express anger, but also a way to drive a subordinate away without finding out the real reasons.
* Annoying the host seems to turn him into a villain. The mechanism of the paradox of passion allows him to calmly pour out his anger on a subordinate without fear of negative feedback from his compliant partner.
* As we shall see, subordinates also become irritated because their desires are not satisfied. But the fact is that they cannot freely express their anger, the fear of being rejected makes them silent.
* Thus, the irritated leader is reduced to the role of an aggressive villain, while the subordinate plays the role of a devoted and suffering hero. This scenario of the development of the paradox is very insidious. The leader feels worse and worse, and more and more inclined to blame the subordinate.
* The host is capable of insulting.
* Experiencing and showing irritation is a normal reaction of the host to the constraint of the relationship framework. As I tell my clients, this behavior does not make you bad. Unfortunately, there are people who tend to express their anger in dangerous ways.
* Some clients have contacted me with litigation-related issues. Most of them are men in leading positions who physically and mentally abused their girlfriends. Treatment in such cases is very difficult and not always successful, but to those who are treatable, I explain that their feelings of frustration and anger are often justified. However, the tough behavior caused by these feelings can never be justified.
* Giving such people an appearance of legitimacy to their disappointment and irritation shows their exorbitant selfishness. It would be better if they learned to deal with anger more effectively, without inflicting insults.
* Anger as a solution.
* There is one good side to anger that has arisen on the basis of a paradox - it can be used as a means of combating the paradox itself. Giving vent to his anger, the leader sometimes tries to provoke the subordinate to respond and destroy the barrier of passivity. The facilitator correctly believes that the equal expression of the accumulated anger by both partners contributes to the restoration of balance. Many hosts begin to think that their partners are weak or soft.
* But anger as a medicine has a side effect - it makes the subordinate feel even more insecure. Remember that a subordinate must be intensely annoyed or have extraordinary self-respect and pride in order to express their anger.
* The host feels guilty.
* Most of the actions of the leader, related to the subordinate, makes him feel guilty. He feels guilty for the loss of love passion, a tendency to cheat, unwillingness to intimacy, criticism of a subordinate, dishonesty, and so on. In addition, the leader feels guilty for cultivating anger towards the subordinate.
* Anger pushes the facilitator to leave, but guilt makes him remember the good moments of the relationship. Guilt can subtly and insidiously make the leader hate himself so much that he condemns himself to stay, i.e. to punish terrible behavior for which there is no excuse.
* Spiral "anger - guilt."
* The relationship between anger and guilt is very close, so much so that the facilitator often feels both at the same time. Not only does anger give rise to feelings of guilt in him, but guilt can also give rise to feelings of anger in him.
* The anger-guilt spiral absorbs most of the leader's emotional energy. The spiral can become a trap for him, because its unwinding dynamics feeds a sense of hopelessness.
* What is "wrong" about me?
* Leaders often feel that their anger and resentment towards a partner is stronger than reason. When they try to explain their feelings to themselves, they are able to climb a step higher on the logical ladder.
1. My partner loves me and is ready for anything for me.
2. My good and loving companion definitely deserves all my love.
3. But I feel resentment rather than love for him, therefore:
4. Something might be "wrong" about me.
* Often leaders come to the conclusion that "wrong" lies in their nature, ingrained selfishness and coldness, which make them incapable of love.
* Blaming oneself for pathology is a form of self-punishment. Punishing ourselves, we pay for the pain caused to others. It's like a penance.
* This is a serious danger. Hosts often take full responsibility for the fading of love, as if feelings can be turned on and off at will. This can give them such a strong contempt for themselves that they are ready to do anything to avoid it. This usually results in further withdrawal from the relationship. Making them free from the clinging grip of guilt is one of the most difficult tasks in my job. I remind them that subordinates are equally responsible for relationships and that the real culprit is relationship dynamics.
* With the weakening of the feeling of guilt, the leaders come to a partial liberation from the feeling of burden of the relationship and an increase in faith in them.
* Paradoxically, at this moment, to stop blaming yourself for the loss of love is the best opportunity to return it.
* Note, however, that I never said anywhere that you should never blame yourself. If your frustration turns into insulting your partner, guilt quite rightly causes you to stop such behavior. But for the vast majority of my clients (and for the readers of this book), the problem lies precisely in excessive guilt for "bad" emotions and thoughts.
* Guilty women.
* My most difficult task as a therapist is to rid the female facilitators of guilt. From childhood, girls are taught that being feminine means being supportive and caring. Anger is considered an aggressive, masculine, negative feeling. If so, this feeling did not suit the woman. Although such ideas are a little outdated, nevertheless they have an impact, especially on women who are over thirty. Therefore, when they become leaders, they are extremely inclined to hide their anger behind guilt, turning it inward, which gives rise to a disastrous effect. Many of them fear even the thought that they have more control over the relationship than their husbands.
* Fantasies of a widow/widower.
* "The Widow/Widower Fantasy" is a common behavior of leaders who tend to suppress their anger with guilt: "If the subordinate died suddenly, I would be freed without guilt." In reality, people empathize with the host rather than call him a heartless villain.
* Some facilitators instinctively sense what is really going on as soon as the first signs of the passion paradox appear. If the subordinate lover advances too much, the leader retreats quickly and gracefully. But if the paradox is hidden by strong desires and passion from the very beginning of the relationship, and if the relationship itself has taken root, then something else happens. Many, perhaps most of the presenters get bogged down in what I call "SPO - the syndrome of contradictions and commitments."

Relationships have been proven to have a positive effect on a person's health and well-being. Studies have shown that people in relationships live longer than singles, and singles have higher levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. It is important to know that having a partner can even reduce the sensation of pain. However, sometimes feelings begin to fade, and then the connection brings nothing but pain. Breaking up is always difficult. It is important to be able to recognize clear signs that it is time for you to leave.

you are unhappy

Ideally, your man should bring you joy. A happy couple laughs together, supports each other, there is a very strong connection and closeness between the partners, which makes life brighter. If the relationship no longer brings you satisfaction and joy, this is a serious sign that it's time to leave. If you are unhappy, do not see the future and constantly feel despair, you should understand that your chosen one is not perfect for you. Does the time you spend with him make you feel desperate? Are you waiting for the opportunity to be alone with yourself? Deep down, you don't want to be together? Ask yourself these questions and you may be able to understand that this person is simply not right for you. When you accept this fact, it will be easier for you to move on and build your own future.

You fight all the time

Conflict is essential to a strong and healthy relationship. You will not always agree with your partner on everything, disagreements and quarrels are a great way to build a strong bond. Conflicts even affect relationships in a positive way, besides, they help to get to know a partner better and deal with his priorities.
Through conflict, you improve your communication skills and learn to recognize your partner's behavior. However, too much conflict can ruin a relationship. If you constantly quarrel and cannot find a common language, you are probably suffering. In addition, during quarrels, the body experiences unnecessary stress. As a result, various diseases can develop, blood pressure and weight increase. If you're always angry, it's time to think about breaking up.

You don't trust your man

Trust is the foundation of a happy and healthy relationship. Being able to trust your man is a key aspect of a successful relationship. Both of you should be open to each other. If your partner undermines your trust, it will be difficult for you to keep in touch.
You will not be able to believe in his glory, and it will not be easy for you. For example, if a man is not faithful, it will be difficult for you to trust him in other situations in the future. If he lied once, how to understand that he will not lie again? These thoughts and fears undermine your peace of mind. Everyone has flaws, yet a lack of trust is a clear sign that you need someone else.

You can't be yourself

Relationships require compromise and the ability to cooperate, it is natural to learn to adapt and adjust. Sometimes the compromises can be quite serious, however it is very important not to lose yourself in the process of developing your relationship. Different aspects of your personalities, your interests and hobbies make the connection stronger and more meaningful. Different beliefs and opinions help relationships to be richer.
If you have to pretend to attract a partner, your relationship will be built on deception. If you do not communicate with friends and loved ones, abandoned the things that were previously important to you, you are harming yourself and your relationships, turning into a person that you are not. If for the sake of a man you need to play a role, it's time to leave.

Do you miss your ex

If you constantly daydream about rekindling a relationship with your ex, that's a bad sign. You may not even realize how much you yearn for your ex until you analyze your actions and thoughts. For example, do you browse the social networks of the former chosen one? Do you think about him, do you try to contact him, do you keep his gifts? If you're still thinking about the relationship that ended, it's likely that the new relationship won't last. Do not use the new union as a way to distract from strong feelings. Break up with your new partner and focus on yourself. Take action, fill your life with meaning, this will better prepare you for a successful relationship.

There is violence in your relationship

Violence can be both physical and psychological. If your man hurts you in one way or another, you need to end such a relationship as soon as possible. The sad truth is that one in three women have experienced violence. It is not always easy to recognize the signs of an anxious situation, especially if the abuse is emotional. For example, is your partner controlling you? Does he threaten you, humiliate you, hurt you? Such men often intimidate their partners emotionally and physically in order to maintain their power over them. If you're experiencing this, it's time to take back control of your life and put that connection behind you. Even if the idea seems intimidating, remember that you are not alone. There are a huge number of support groups, special centers and charitable organizations ready to save you. And even if your partner apologizes, the violence will happen again. Most often it happens that way. There is no excuse for such behavior.

Do you have different plans for the future?

At the heart of a happy relationship are similar plans for the future. For example, if you want children, and your man is against it, your relationship will be seriously affected. Communication involves a compromise, but plans for life should still be similar. If you constantly give up your desires in order to negotiate with a partner, you need to break up. There is a list of things that should not be discussed. Remember, if you don't see eye to eye, it's best to end the relationship right away.

You don't move on

If you feel like your relationship is holding you back from moving on, you need to break up. Women maintain unsuccessful relationships for a variety of reasons, from fear of loneliness to financial problems. Don't fall victim to this mistake. Let the breakup seem intimidating and difficult, if you do not feel development in your union, try to start from scratch.

You are not appreciated

If you feel that your partner does not appreciate you and does not see your good qualities, your relationship will not bring you happiness. For a relationship to last for a long time, both partners must be interested in this. If the relationship seems one-sided to you, your opinion means nothing, and your interests are not taken into account, you should consider finding yourself another partner.

You don't have an intimate life

Intimate life can manifest itself in different ways. You need to be close physically, emotionally and psychologically for the connection to be strong and happy. If something is missing, you should leave. For example, when you and your partner are able to approach each other on a physical level, you become closer mentally as well. Do something new together, develop, look for common interests. If the partner does not want this, the connection should be broken. She has no perspective.

Intuition tells you about parting

If you subconsciously understand that you should leave, most likely, you need to listen to yourself and do so. Intuition is an important ability of the body to give clues and the right information. If you cannot explain the reason, but the feeling of anxiety and dissatisfaction remains the same, you should end the relationship that does not bring satisfaction.