How to deal with rudeness without stooping to it. How to deal with a rude spouse

We complain about rudeness in stores, impudence in transport and aggression on the roads. But how often grievances await at home, when the closest people, those who, it seems, should protect each other, are rude and snappy than tram boors. Psychologist and writer Galina Artemyeva offers an unexpected way to combat everyday rudeness.

Now I want to write about what is - alas - the norm for us! It's all about the same thing: behavior problems. How many times have I observed: in public a person looks very decent, civilized, and well-mannered. And at home... At home he relaxes. That's what we call it now. That is, at home a person (gender is not important in this case) becomes himself, confidently believing that this is his (her) right. At home, you can tell your wife if she does not immediately respond to your call:

- Are you deaf?

- Yes, how many times can I repeat to you so that you...

- Look, you're all dressed up! What are you wearing?

Or to someone close to you:

- Shut up!

“They don’t ask you...” - “None of your business” (option “None of your damn business”), “infection”, “schmuck”, “goat”, “What... are you doing here...”, “ Well, I stared like a goat at the new gate.".. Is there any point in continuing further? Everyone knows remarks and phrases of this kind.

Once in church after the service I was sitting on a bench, and next to me was a young woman. Mother I dressed my four-year-old son. And he, apparently tired, did not put his hand into his jacket very quickly. To this the mother said: “Move, come on, quickly, otherwise you’ll get it in the ass!”

And we all just took communion. I usually never interfere. It's none of my business. And then she just gasped:

- What are you doing? How are you?

And she didn’t understand me at all! She said it was not swearing. And that she is loving. All! There was no point in talking further. The man didn’t hear me, didn’t understand and wasn’t going to understand. She didn't find anything wrong in her words. It's a pity. Here it is, everyday rudeness in its purest form.

Promiscuity in everyday life. So, keeping up appearances in public is a mask? And behind it... not a human face. Erysipelas. And at home the mask comes off (it’s too much, you need to give yourself some rest - and where if not at home?) So the person stays at home with a face. This applies to the homely appearance, and the manner of eating (slurping, blowing your nose at the table, taking food with your hands, putting your spoon into a common dish...), and behavior... And how disgusting this is - I can’t describe it! You can talk thousands of times about decent behavior, but a child in such a family will still grow up to be a boor - because the most important thing is an example. Everyday rudeness eats away at the soul, even if it seems to the family that they are used to it.

The word is a powerful weapon! The visuals (the expressions of the parents, their home clothes, poses, etc.) have a strong impact on the child. And if they are negative, then a person grows up with an aversion to life and people.

We are all drawn to beauty. And we want to earn a lot of money to make the house beautiful." Monograms, squiggles, mansions... But believe me, you don’t see or notice any of this if there’s a boor next to you. Because the soul shrinks. And monograms don’t help it in any way.

I always say: the most important people in our lives are those who make up our family. Why should rudeness be poured out on them? Do you want to unwind after a hard day? Let off steam on your husband and children? So ask yourself at least: what are you trying to achieve? You are undermining your own world! You destroy goodness and peace. By your own behavior, out of nowhere...

Need to unload. But not in these ways. Tired, irritated, angry?

Take a shower!
Jump (one hundred jump ropes).
Climb the stairs of the house several times (from the first to the fifth, sixth, seventh floor...) Physical activity is an excellent stress reliever.

I am now naming the most accessible ways to relieve stress for a city dweller. There is also a swimming pool, walking, jogging, etc. Irritation goes away as you move. New forces are emerging.

And besides, remember to be polite. For some reason we forgot this word. And you can’t go anywhere without him! An impolite person looks like a caveman. Politeness is a facial expression, a turn of speech that is respectful no matter who you are communicating with, and intonation (a lot depends on them)... Politeness is by no means a weakness. On the contrary: power! This is control over your emotions, over your own inability to behave... Over how you look, even if you feel bad right now...

Let me quote from Ariela Seph’s book “Born in the Ghetto”:

“Having once arrived to visit my parents, I was waiting for people with a package for their relatives and came out not very tidy. My mother began to nag me, and I:

- Do you think who they are, that I should dress up in front of them?

- What difference does it make who they are! It's who you are that matters."

Here! Exactly! It is very easy to notice shortcomings in behavior and appearance in outsiders. But take a closer look at yourself... You must maintain your dignity!

Understand and remember these words: “What difference does it make who they are! What matters is who you are.”

It's never too late to learn. Step by step. You will see how the situation in your family will change. Because politeness is one of the manifestations of love for one's neighbor. And love works wonders. You know!

When I posted a post on my blog about everyday rudeness, it immediately received responses full of sadness. Yes! Exactly! Yes - we’re colliding! Yes - the soul shrinks. So what should I do? And is there anything that can be done? I answer: you can try. Even if everything is very neglected.

Although, if you have lived with your partner for several years, enduring his rudeness, it can sometimes be very difficult to change the existing relationship model. Here, either initially, you need to make it clear that you are not satisfied with a certain tone, certain turns of speech, or... And the main thing is, for your part, always be an extremely polite and worthy person. And yet I repeat: you can try. But you will need the strictest self-control and patience. The ability to achieve goals: once we set a task for ourselves, we don’t stop.

So what should we do? Yell? Cry? Take offense? Be even more rude in response? Submit and swallow the insult? Or should I just drop everything and leave? In general, the topic of quitting and leaving seems to many to be the easiest and simplest. Although in reality we are talking about murder. The murder of a family, the murder of relationships - for some reason that is what seems easiest to us, who do not know how to do much (sorry, but true).

Look - here's the situation (absurd example - don't be alarmed): your friend says offensive things. Well, not the most offensive, usually habitually boorish. And you respond by simply killing him. All. No person, no problem. Horrible! But we are often determined to kill. In a figurative sense, of course. We simply remove a person from our life. Killing relationships. And we still remember the evil.

What if you don't kill? That is, to be determined to maintain the relationship? In this case, it makes sense to do the following (this is where patience is required):

You do not react in any way to boorish questions, antics, etc. You just don't notice it at all.
You react to good things and positive things with affection and warmth.
You behave impeccably! At the same time, without demanding from your partner that he matches you. But he, simply seeing your systematic amazing behavior, will begin to feel uncomfortable in the role of a boor (but it will take him time to understand this!).

- Are you deaf?

Silence. If she thinks she’s gone deaf, it means she’s deaf.

“Are you deaf, I ask you?”

Silence. He comes up. You:

-Did you ask something, dear? I did not hear you.

If he changes the form of the question, you answer him very gently and lovingly. Well, and so on. Just for boorish intonation, words, etc. there should be no reaction. Respectful behavior is encouraged in every possible way. And set the right example yourself. Give it a try. It's difficult, but many succeed, although not right away. Remember: your own politeness, smile and decent behavior work wonders. This has been proven by repeated experience!

And I wrote here about this serious problem because in a family where everyday rudeness reigns, mature, kind, reliable relationships cannot be built. This is the law. Rudeness destroys. And relationships, and health, and beauty, and hope for the best.

Don't want to get trampled? Don't deal with boors. No matter how innocently they treat you rudely at first, believe me, it will develop into something more when the boor feels his power over you.

Discussion

I am very nervous and can be rude when I get emotional. I read a lot of literature, but never learned to control myself.

By the way, I learned a lot of interesting things from the article. My husband is exactly like that - he is a boor by nature and I am simply desperate to re-educate him. She even threatened with divorce.

It's easier with my husband. As they say, the dog barks, the wind blows. Let him go and drink while I drink some tea. But what about children? If you politely tell me to do something like this 5 times, but it doesn’t work. And if you bark or give a kick, he flies to follow instructions and asks others.

yes, very useful, especially for those who have a significant other, and you yourself are very hot-tempered. You need to be able to navigate the situation

but it’s true, how much of this “everyday rudeness” is around us... it’s sad and offensive... It’s difficult not to react with rudeness to rudeness, it’s difficult to restrain yourself, to save face, so to speak, you want to immediately throw it out in response, snap back . And how NOT to do this - well, we’ll learn... Thank you very much to the author for the advice!

22.11.2012 17:05:06, sdf335gfg

Comment on the article "Be careful - rudeness in the family! How to fight - and save relationships"

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There have been several heated discussions about rudeness on the site in the past week. Here is one of them: [link-1] The question of rudeness is interesting primarily because some people manage to encounter it to a minimum, while others experience it non-stop. They are humiliated in the subway and at work, at home and on the street, at home and abroad. Even in the quietest resort there will be someone who will steal their sunbed and curse at them. The boss will sharply point out to them the mistakes made by another employee, and the neighbor...

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Your 15-year-old is not rude not because “there has never been rudeness towards him in the family,” but because he is such a boy. So, discuss with a psychologist how to deal with this, so that instead of carrots, “hedgehog gloves” come out. 03/26/2011 02:46:04, Horse.

rudeness in the family. Wife and husband. Family relationships. I started the situation, I admit it, now I rebelled and began to fight. Am I like you? Is there really no rudeness in the family?

Conference "Family Relations". Section: Wife and husband (how to stop your husband from being rude). I believe that you need to quarrel correctly, without rudeness, he purely theoretically agrees, but this is not to himself. Build communication in such a way that this style of conversation in the family is unsuccessful.

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Conference "Family Relations". Section: Situation... (how to react to your husband’s rudeness). Therefore, you need to be more careful with your tone. I think a couple of days and everything will get better for you. and in your family, before the birth of a child, words were considered normal - nonentity, cretinka, etc...

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It could be work, it could be a relationship with another person, it could be something in the family... Rudeness is ignorance, to some extent a character trait, in my opinion. You can't fight this.

Ecology of consumption. Psychology: We are rude everywhere - be it at the bus stop, in line for theater tickets, in a store, and sometimes even in our own home. How to deal with rudeness without stooping to it?..

Often in modern society we have to deal with rudeness. It has long become a chronic disease for many people that cannot be cured. We are treated rudely everywhere - be it at the bus stop, in line for theater tickets, in a store, and sometimes even in our own home.

According to sociologist Nadezhda Kazarinova, rudeness is a kind of violence, an invasion of someone else's territory. And if there is no respect for the individual at a basic level in society, then there is a feeling that there are simply no boundaries of what is permitted in relation to another person.

Rudeness has always been considered a characteristic feature of the lower strata of society. It’s not for nothing that in Vladimir Dahl’s dictionary “hamuga” is a nickname for a lackey, servant or serf. “A boor is someone who is doomed to be between the master and the commoner,” comments Nadezhda Kazarinova. - Before the latter, he looks almost like a gentleman, but at the same time he is not a gentleman. The boor demonstrates the status of a dangerous person who may not be respected, but must be feared - hence the rudeness, ridicule and other manifestations of aggression. He is an enemy both to those below him on the social ladder and to those above him, and he behaves accordingly.”

So:

Step 1: Understand

“The first reaction to rudeness can be emotional, but if you abstract yourself, you almost feel sorry for these boors - that’s how much negativity you need to carry within yourself,” shares Andrey, 25 years old.

In order to develop the optimal tactics for communicating with a boor, you must first understand the reasons for his behavior. The motives may be different, but they almost always indicate a lack of self-esteem, a desire to assert oneself or prove one’s strength to others. “A boor compensates for internal weakness, conquers living space through clashes with others,” explains Nadezhda Kazarinova. Or he tests the boundaries of what is permitted. “This is how little children behave towards their parents: “Is this okay with you?” And like this? “At first glance, this is a demonstration of strength, but it comes from self-doubt,” says Ekaterina Dubovskaya. People often use rudeness to “run away” from situations of uncomfortable communication - they avoid clarifying relationships, claims from superiors, or awkward moments.
Why should I understand a boor instead of defending myself from him? The fact of the matter is that understanding protects us in many ways - and helps us not to take rudeness too personally: “You need to remember that many cases of rudeness do not relate to you personally. Then, first of all, why be upset? And secondly, it’s easier to respond to an impersonal attack,” explains Ekaterina Dubovskaya.

Step 2: Gain Distance

“When faced with rudeness, I always feel confused; I don’t know how to respond to rudeness,” says Valeria, 37 years old. “Understanding how one should behave comes much later.”

Most people feel this way. A witty retort comes to us when the boor has already disappeared around the corner. This is a painful blow to self-esteem, but responding to the aggressor at any cost should not be an end in itself. “The fact is that rudeness does not imply dialogue; it is destructive for relationships. Rudeness indicates a lack of contact between people, warns Ekaterina Dubovskaya. “Two people who try to resolve a conflict in this way are heading down parallel paths.”

A preventive cure for other people's rudeness is to develop self-esteem and, first of all, self-respect. An effective tactic is the right distance. You shouldn’t be afraid of boor, much less show him your fear. Remember that his main goal is to involve you in a dialogue built according to his rules. The boor feels unpunished because his “victim” cannot immediately break these rules,” comments Nadezhda Kazarinova. “The ability to build boundaries that cannot be violated is an important characteristic of an adult,” notes Ekaterina Dubovskaya.

Step 3: Change the script

Before you “teach” a boor good behavior, think about what you want to achieve with your reaction. Show him how disgusting his behavior is? This will put you in the cycle of rudeness. It is unlikely that a stranger will say: “Thank you for noticing my tactlessness. I won't do this again." In this case, the main thing is to clearly convey to the boor the idea that he has no right to behave in this way towards you. Of course, without aggression and attacks.

Psychologist Anna Mstislavskaya suggests considering this situation from the point of view of transactional analysis: “According to transactional analysis, each of us has 3 states of “I” - Parent, Adult, Child. From the position of a Parent, we are accustomed to teaching others, showing what is good and what is bad. But do not forget that the Parent not only criticizes (Critical Parent), he also cares about others (Caring Parent). The reaction to rudeness from the position of a Critical Parent will be: “What are you allowing yourself to do?” How can you treat me like this?” Such a reaction does not lead to further constructive dialogue. A caring Parent wants to help another, tries to understand his needs. This is a more constructive approach. From the position of a Caring Parent, we can say: “I see your dissatisfaction with my behavior / my action, I am very sorry” or use a somewhat manipulative phrase: “How can I help you?” This way we show our strength and at the same time not We stoop to rudeness.”

An adult, when confronted with a boor, is more likely to avoid direct conflict - remain silent or apologize (depending on the situation), without excuses. Being in an Adult state, we are able to understand what motivates a person, why he is so rude to us.
From a childhood state (Child), we are unlikely to be able to resist the boor: the desire to protect ourselves at all costs will provoke us to aggression. And this will only lead to an escalation of the conflict. Therefore, if we want to show another that we cannot be rude, it is better to focus on the position of an Adult or a Caring Parent.”

Don't have the strength to remain silent?

In the manual “How to protect yourself from rudeness. 7 simple rules,” psychologist Vladinata Petrova describes verbal self-defense techniques in dealing with boors.

Here are some of them:

“All situations when you are attacked are similar: the aggressor arrogates to himself the right to judge us and invade our lives. Any aggressor, no matter how high a position he occupies, can be put in his place by pointing out to him the discrepancy between his real status and the role he has assigned to himself: “On what basis are you asking me these questions?”, “On what basis are you asking me?” Are you taking an exam?

“If you've been told something that's obviously unpleasant, but you're having trouble finding the words to express exactly what hurts you and what exactly you disagree with, ask, “Is this a question?”, “Is this a statement?” or “Is this an instruction?” , depending on what the replica with unpleasant content is more like”;

What to do if unpleasant communication drags on and the aggressor does not leave you alone? “In this case, you should ask the rude person a question with a verb in the passive voice, for example: “What makes you say this to me?” (“What made you say (do) this?”) This technique is a variation of the “Place a boss over the aggressor” method. With such a question you will show the attacker that he has become a toy of his own passions that control him”;

“If you want to reprimand someone who behaved disrespectfully towards you, do not reproach the enemy for actions and qualities that cannot be imagined with the help of sight or hearing. If you say, “You shouldn’t raise your voice at me,” it will be a substantive remark. Or, for example: “Please do not talk about me in the third person if I am in the same room.” If you say: “Stop talking boorishly,” you will attribute to your interlocutor actions that are not visually representable, abstract, the real content of which can be argued about. The fact that your offender behaves “ugly” or “boorishly” is only your personal opinion.”

Priority - relationships

In general, all our experts agree on one thing: verbal aggression as a response to rudeness is an extreme and not the best solution. And it only acts in situations that are excluded from life. By putting a rude waitress or a boor on the subway in our place, we can feel satisfied for a moment - and we will never see the offender again.

But in a situation of long-term relationships - with colleagues or relatives - such methods are not constructive.

You need to understand that a conflict situation always means poor mutual understanding. In this case, you need to step aside for a while to understand its reasons.

“If it is important for you to establish communication, you should show the person that you understand him by moving from a Childish (offended) position to an Adult (sensible) one,” advises Anna Mstislavskaya. - Do you want to demonstrate to your partner that it is unacceptable to behave this way with you? But ask yourself a question: do you really want him to change his behavior, or are you just offended that he was rude? If you are overwhelmed by emotions, say that you are offended, and do not “attack” the person in response.”

In this way we will take a step towards open dialogue. published

Experts: Nadezhda Kazarinova, Elena Petrovskaya, Anna Mstislavskaya, Ekaterina Dubovskaya

According to sociologist Nadezhda Kazarinova, rudeness is a kind of violence, an invasion of someone else's territory. And if there is no respect for the individual at a basic level in society, then there is a feeling that there are simply no boundaries of what is permitted in relation to another person.

Step 1: Understand

“A boor compensates for internal weakness, conquers living space through clashes with others,” explains Nadezhda Kazarinova. Or he tests the boundaries of what is permitted. “This is how little children behave towards their parents: “Is this okay with you?” And like this?"

At first glance, this is a demonstration of strength, but it comes from self-doubt,” says Ekaterina Dubovskaya. People often use rudeness to “run away” from situations of uncomfortable communication - they avoid clarifying relationships, claims from superiors, or awkward moments.

Why should I understand a boor instead of defending myself from him? The fact of the matter is that understanding protects us in many ways - and helps us not to take rudeness too personally: “You need to remember that many cases of rudeness do not relate to you personally. Then, first of all, why be upset? And secondly, it’s easier to respond to an impersonal attack,” explains Ekaterina Dubovskaya.

Step 2: Gain Distance

“When faced with rudeness, I always feel confused; I don’t know how to respond to rudeness,” says Valeria, 37 years old. “Understanding how one should behave comes much later.”

“The fact is that rudeness does not imply dialogue; it is destructive for relationships. Rudeness indicates a lack of contact between people, warns Ekaterina Dubovskaya. “Two people who try to resolve a conflict in this way are heading down parallel paths.”

A preventive cure for other people's rudeness is to develop self-esteem and, first of all, self-respect. An effective tactic is the right distance. You shouldn’t be afraid of boor, much less show him your fear.

Remember that his main goal is to involve you in a dialogue built according to his rules. The boor feels unpunished because his “victim” cannot immediately break these rules,” comments Nadezhda Kazarinova. “The ability to build boundaries that cannot be violated is an important characteristic of an adult,” notes Ekaterina Dubovskaya.

Step 3: Change the script

In this case, the main thing is to clearly convey to the boor the idea that he has no right to behave in this way towards you. Of course, without aggression and attacks.

Psychologist Anna Mstislavskaya suggests considering this situation from the point of view of transactional analysis: “According to transactional analysis, each of us has 3 states of “I” - Parent, Adult, Child. From the position of a Parent, we are accustomed to teaching others, showing what is good and what is bad. But do not forget that the Parent not only criticizes (Critical Parent), he also cares about others (Caring Parent).

The reaction to rudeness from the position of a Critical Parent will be: “What are you allowing yourself to do?” How can you treat me like this?” Such a reaction does not lead to further constructive dialogue. A caring Parent wants to help another, tries to understand his needs. This is a more constructive approach.

From the position of a Caring Parent, we can say: “I see your dissatisfaction with my behavior / my action, I am very sorry” or use a somewhat manipulative phrase: “How can I help you?” This way we show our strength and at the same time not We stoop to rudeness.”

From a childhood state (Child), we are unlikely to be able to resist the boor: the desire to protect ourselves at all costs will provoke us to aggression. And this will only lead to an escalation of the conflict. Therefore, if we want to show another that we cannot be rude, it is better to focus on the position of an Adult or a Caring Parent.”

Don't have the strength to remain silent?

In the manual “How to protect yourself from rudeness. 7 simple rules,” psychologist Vladinata Petrova describes verbal self-defense techniques in dealing with boors. Here are some of them:
“All situations when you are attacked are similar: the aggressor arrogates to himself the right to judge us and invade our lives.

Any aggressor, no matter how high a position he occupies, can be put in his place by pointing out to him the discrepancy between his real status and the role he has assigned to himself: “On what basis are you asking me these questions?”, “On what basis are you asking me?” Are you taking an exam?

“If you've been told something that's obviously unpleasant, but you're having trouble finding the words to express exactly what hurts you and what exactly you disagree with, ask, “Is this a question?”, “Is this a statement?” or “Is this an instruction?” , depending on what the replica with unpleasant content is more like”;

What to do if unpleasant communication drags on and the aggressor does not leave you alone? “In this case, you should ask the rude person a question with a verb in the passive voice, for example: “What makes you say this to me?” (“What made you say (do) this?”) This technique is a variation of the “Place a boss over the aggressor” method. With such a question you will show the attacker that he has become a toy of his own passions that control him”;

“If you want to reprimand someone who behaved disrespectfully towards you, do not reproach the enemy for actions and qualities that cannot be imagined with the help of sight or hearing. If you say, “You shouldn’t raise your voice at me,” it will be a substantive remark. Or, for example: “Please do not talk about me in the third person if I am in the same room.” If you say: “Stop talking boorishly,” you will attribute to your interlocutor actions that are not visually representable, abstract, the real content of which can be argued about. The fact that your offender behaves “ugly” or “boorishly” is only your personal opinion.”

Priority - relationships

In general, all our experts agree on one thing: verbal aggression as a response to rudeness is an extreme and not the best solution. And it only acts in situations that are excluded from life. By putting a rude waitress or a boor on the subway in our place, we can feel satisfied for a moment - and we will never see the offender again. But in a situation of long-term relationships - with colleagues or relatives - such methods are not constructive.

You need to understand that a conflict situation always means poor mutual understanding. In this case, you need to step aside for a while to understand its reasons. “If it is important for you to establish communication, you should show the person that you understand him by moving from a Childish (offended) position to an Adult (sensible) one,” advises Anna Mstislavskaya.

Do you want to demonstrate to your partner that it is unacceptable to behave this way towards you? But ask yourself a question: do you really want him to change his behavior, or are you just offended that he was rude? If you are overwhelmed by emotions, say that you are offended, and do not “attack” the person in response.”

Try to feel what exactly is behind this rudeness, why a person close to you is so (suddenly) rude. You will probably uncover the underlying reasons for his behavior, which relate not just to an individual situation, but to the relationship as a whole. And then ask: “You probably know how I could correct the situation so that you don’t want to be rude to me. Tell me, what do you expect from me?

In this way we will take a step towards open dialogue.

Experts:
Nadezhda Kazarinova, sociologist, author of the study “Rudeness and Insults as Communication Practices.”
Elena Petrovskaya, philosopher, editor-in-chief of the Blue Sofa magazine.
Anna Mstislavskaya, consulting psychologist, transactional analysis specialist.
Ekaterina Dubovskaya, social psychologist.

There are many definitions of rudeness, but no matter what terms are used to describe it, everyone knows that it is a completely unacceptable form of communication in polite society. And if a person wants to actively interact with other individuals of a high level of development, he should get rid of rudeness.

Causes of rudeness

Upbringing. A person was brought up in such a way or in such social conditions in which rudeness was the norm of behavior. Accordingly, this individual simply does not understand or does not accept the other. Rudeness is natural and familiar to him.

How to get rid of rudeness in this case? For a normal life, a person needs to be re-educated. It would be best to visit a psychologist; the problem can also be solved by actively interacting with a new prosperous society and completely breaking ties with the old one.

Environment. There is a situation when a person received a normal upbringing, but by the will of fate he ended up in a society for which rudeness is a normal form of communication.

How to get rid of rudeness? There are two options here: either a person will learn to communicate according to his environment, or he will change it. Sometimes a situation arises when people around you can only understand you if you communicate in their language. This is an inevitable necessity. If at the same time a person retains his inner good manners, there is nothing to worry about. Time will pass, the situation will change - and the individual will return to normal society or learn to coexist in it. If there is no way out of the situation, you need to change the situation.

Negative emotions. There are a number of negative emotions that can trigger rudeness. In this case, you should not label a person with the cliche “rude”; it’s just that at a given time and in a given situation, an absolutely adequate and well-mannered person can lose control over himself. Emotions that can provoke an outburst of anger are fatigue, irritability, dissatisfaction. This is a way of psychological release. Sometimes rudeness is a natural reaction to pain.

How to get rid of rudeness that arises as a result of negative emotions? If such outbursts of rudeness occur rarely, they are not a big problem. Everyone discharges in their own way, perhaps this is not the worst option. If this is a frequent phenomenon that negatively affects both the individual himself and the people around him, then other ways to relieve tension should be found. For example, physical exercise.

When the cause of rudeness is pain, the problem requires a special solution. If possible, it is necessary to get rid of the cause of the pain, rethink the situation, practice meditation, and seek professional help from a psychologist.

A way to feel like a bigger person. Often this reason for rude behavior accompanies adolescence, but not always. Why does this happen? A person wants to be someone significant, special, deserving of genuine admiration, but there are already many contenders for this role. And even if he does not shine with special talents, all this can result in rudeness. This is a kind of reaction to negative emotions raging inside a person. At least in this he is not like everyone else, he is able to go beyond the usual social foundations, but the rest are not, they are afraid. And he is bolder, he is “cooler” and, accordingly, better than many.

How to get rid of rudeness yourself and help your children? It is necessary to give the individual the opportunity to realize his desire for primacy, to help, to support. Moreover, you need to rely on the preference of the person himself, and not on your aspirations, which you could not realize. For a teenager, a very good choice would be a sport that strengthens not only the body, but also the character, and creates a strong, strong-willed personality. A girl can also realize herself in sports, but not every girl. Determine what your child likes most and take action.

If rudeness comes from oneself, this phenomenon, oddly enough, is much more difficult to eradicate than to protect yourself from reciprocal rudeness. What can be done?

Admit to yourself the problem, set a goal and clearly formulate it: “yes, I’m rude, but I want to get rid of it,” also understand why this is necessary, how the problem will be solved, what outcome you want to see.
Keep a diary, analyze the reasons.
Give yourself a punishment for every rudeness and a gift for every success.
Meditations using the Silva method give good results.

It is not only possible to respond to rudeness, but, in most cases, even necessary. And the point is not even that once you put the rude person in his place, you will feel inner satisfaction. The main thing is to establish at the early stages the right to be treated with dignity in society, and also to exclude similar incidents in the future. If you constantly tolerate rudeness and remain silent, the situation will only get worse. Life is not a good fairy tale; you need to learn to put some members of society in their place from childhood, and in many situations this is justified. But you should always understand when it’s appropriate, and when it’s worth modestly lowering your eyes and sighing sadly, with regret (for example, when your boss criticizes you on a matter of fact). Always assess the situation soberly. How to deal with rudeness?

Retaliatory rudeness

As an option for an impulsive, hysterical and unreasonable person, he has the right to life. But this is the lowest level. Reciprocal rudeness can lead to a squabble, scandal, even a fight. Is it worth stooping so low? After all, there are much more effective ways to deal with brawlers. And you can boast of your “reinforced concrete” peace of mind. Many people admire it.

Ignoring

Ignoring is a good option, but only for those people in whose souls absolute icy calm reigns, and they are able to pay no more attention to a rude person than to a yapping dog. If passions are raging inside you, emotions are boiling, and you push them even deeper and remain proudly silent, this will not bring anything good. Moreover, scientists have proven that such unexpressed emotions eventually turn into serious diseases. Don't let this happen. It’s better to simply speak rudely.

A pity

A very good way to respond to rudeness. And acceptable, and correct, and worthy. But it’s true that most rude people can only evoke pity. Whether the cause of rudeness is upbringing, negative emotions or internal pain.

Laughter

There is no better response to someone who has offended you than laughter. Sincere and joyful laughter. Sometimes it will help defuse the situation, in other cases it will serve as a good punishment for the boor. And the phrase, spoken accurately and accurately, will allow you to leave the battlefield as a real winner. Therefore, we learn to respond to rudeness.

Interesting responses to rudeness and rudeness

Book fragment Kovpak D.V. The wrong ones were attacked! or How to deal with rudeness? - M.: Peter, 2012

How long can you put up with rudeness? In transport, at work, visiting, at home, online, on the street - anywhere! How long can you play the role of the victim? Patiently enduring any inconvenience, any manifestation of rudeness. A famous psychotherapist and courageous man, Dmitry Kovpak decided that enough was enough! Read his exciting stories and professional advice on combating rudeness and cynicism. Doctor Kovpak is ready to change the world around him without bending to it! And you?

Basic Strategies for Overcoming Rudeness

Effective counteraction

Obviously, there are three approaches in relationships between people. The first is to consider only yourself and suppress others... The second is to always give in to others in everything... The third approach is to keep in mind your own interests without neglecting the interests of others.

Only the dead cannot be touched alive. Each of us has found ourselves in situations where we were hurt or psychologically traumatized. A natural desire arises to punish or teach the offender a lesson, or to minimize the damage to the reputation and assessments of others.

What exactly should I do? Tolerate or respond? How will all this turn out? And a whole host of other questions are constantly spinning in my head. This is not the first time this has happened and not only to you. How did people who had already encountered a similar problem respond to this before?

Confucius was once asked the question: “Is it right to return good for evil?” To which he replied: “You need to respond to good with good, and you need to respond to evil with justice.”

Undoubtedly, if you regularly allow yourself to be offended, this can become a habit among your offenders. A rude person’s desire to make a remark or even lash out at you comes before there is a reason for it.

If you help unstable people by regularly providing them with a platform to vent their irritation, this tactic will begin to work automatically for them. They will no longer have to wonder who is to blame for everything.

So, by confusing patience and prudence with fear and laziness, you can turn into a local scapegoat.

A person in reality is not as peaceful as he declares and even as he thinks about himself. Therefore, expecting your offenders to see the light on their own, admit mistakes and injustices being committed, may turn out to be too time-consuming and expensive a strategy. Help them realize that they are in for the wrong thing.

But respond not to the content of the enemy’s speech, but to the very fact of his interference in something that is not your business.

Whether there are winners in a fight with rude people is a controversial and even rhetorical question. However, if you have decided to take up martial arts, then some skills, technologies and useful information will not hurt you.

Those entering a verbal duel require a number of qualities and skills:

efficiency of searching and reproducing information;
wit, irony;
resourcefulness, cunning, enterprise;
ability to use logic and consistent argumentation;
mastery of rhetoric;
stress resistance and tolerance (tolerance);
noise immunity.

Quite often, people, when defending their interests, behave rudely and unceremoniously, mixing the concepts of aggressive, passive-unconfident and confident behavior. The difference in these modes of behavior is that, acting confidently, a person does not insult or oppress others, respecting the rights of people as much as his own.

People who know how to properly stand up for themselves are significantly less susceptible to stress in difficult life situations and more often experience feelings of self-satisfaction and self-esteem.

People who act in an aggressive manner actually experience feelings of guilt, inferiority or self-doubt and try to mask these underlying feelings with their aggressive behavior.

The key to confident behavior is to reinforce new patterns of attitude and behavior through regular practice.

Remember: what you say to a rude person is much less important than how you say it.

In order to successfully put boors and aggressors in their place in any situation, you must first of all clearly understand the right to the inviolability of your personality and personal life.

Manifestation of rudeness is, first of all, evidence of a person’s lack of worthy arguments.

“Jupiter, you are angry, which means you are wrong,” Prometheus once said to the angry Jupiter, who was ready to throw lightning at him, having found no other answer.

The most ineffective way to respond to a boor is to get emotional and shout all sorts of nonsense in response. Thus, you become the twin brother of this ill-mannered type and slide down to his level. And most importantly, your emotions will show that his arrows reached their target and hurt you.

But sometimes this helps relieve tension. The cost of such a drop varies depending on the situation and the environment present at that moment, as well as the delayed consequences. Sometimes it is prohibitively high.

The method of throwing negative emotions into the water helps much better. Especially when the situation is already in the past, but you still want to “wave your fists.”

Open the tap and simply scream everything that has boiled into the stream of water. At the same time, wash your face with cool water and go get positive emotions. The conflict is over. You turned out to be smarter!

Imagine this situation: you were very angry with your boss, who harshly and rudely reprimanded you for a situation that you actually had nothing to do with. After he leaves, you hit the table with your fist, break two pencils, a pen, and turn a whole stack of papers into a shapeless mass. Will these actions reduce your anger? And will they prevent you from becoming angry with your manager in similar situations in the future?

According to the well-known theory of catharsis (purification), the answer in both cases will be positive. When an angry person lets off steam through vigorous, non-harmful activities, the following things happen: first, the level of tension or arousal decreases, and second, the tendency to resort to overt aggression against provoking (or other) individuals decreases.

These assumptions go back to the works of Aristotle, who believed that contemplating a production that forces the audience to empathize with what is happening can indirectly contribute to the “purification” of feelings. Although Aristotle himself did not specifically propose this method for defusing aggressiveness, a logical continuation of his theory was proposed by many others, in particular S. Freud, who believed that the intensity of aggressive behavior can be weakened either through the expression of emotions related to aggression, or by observing the aggressive actions of others.

While recognizing the reality of such “purification,” Freud was subsequently quite pessimistic about its effectiveness in preventing overt aggression. He seems to have believed that his influence was ineffective and short-lived. Indeed, watching films or television programs with scenes of violence does not lead to a decrease in the level of aggression - on the contrary, such an experience is likely to increase the intensity of aggressive manifestations in the future.

The level of aggression does not decrease if a person takes out his anger on inanimate objects.

Remember how we like to retell myths about the basements of Japanese corporations, where supposedly employees thresh effigies of their bosses and then go to their workplace calm and happy. Giving people the opportunity to whack inflatable toys, throw darts at images of hated enemies, or smash objects into pieces does not necessarily reduce the strength of their desire to commit aggressive acts towards those who harass them.

The level of aggression does not decrease after a series of verbal attacks either - on the contrary, the findings indicate that such actions actually increase the aggression of the opponent.

The English writer John Ruskin said: “A gentle answer removes malice.”

This is also a certain technique. Only it requires sufficient hardening and endurance. To have enough patience to respond politely to malicious insults and not lose your temper not only externally, but also internally. To do this, you will need to develop considerable self-discipline.

As a last resort, you can say a calmly neutral descriptive phrase, for example: “How rude you just spoke. Communication in this form/tone does not suit me.” Sometimes this stops the offender or throws him off for a while. In any case, you will get a pause and will be able to retreat from the place of verbal battle with your head held high.

This way you will eliminate the reason for subsequent returns to the situation in memories, which happens when an unrequited insult is swallowed, with the scrolling of “victorious scenarios” in fantasy - the virtual “waving of fists” after a verbal battle.

The main thing is to maintain inner self-confidence.

Gandhi’s mental phrase to himself would be appropriate: “They are not able to take away our self-respect unless we ourselves give it to them.” And the anecdotal evidence that we often feel better (that is, less agitated or stressed) by responding to people who annoy us is indeed justified, as some serious aggression researchers claim.

If you have time, allow the interlocutor to finish speaking without obvious aggression, listen to him carefully, correctly and analytically.

Listening carefully means perceiving the words that are spoken, without being too distracted by passing thoughts. That's right - give feedback signals showing that you understand the interlocutor (for example, by nodding). Analytically - grasp the essence of the statement, while simultaneously perceiving the information encrypted between the words. Listening is a real art.

But there are situations when the interlocutor speaks sharply negatively about you or lies. In such a delicate situation, this rule should be abandoned. Calmly interrupt the conversation the moment you notice that a lie has been told: just politely and correctly correct your interlocutor. But please be brief.

For example, during round table negotiations or speaking at the podium, you need to react immediately - if not with words, then with a negative shake of the head or gestures.

You can react to a negative statement later if it happened during a dialogue, but if a third party or audience is present, they will wait for your reaction. And lack of reaction means consent!

Don't be afraid to break rules and stereotypes if necessary. A smart person chooses tactics depending on the situation.

Questioning technique is the queen of dialectics. “He who asks, controls!” - this is how one of the leading rules of the art of conversation is formulated in the form of a slogan.

Questions are often tools of pressure to demand information, deepen the topic of conversation, motivate interlocutors, or shift the conversation from a material or technical plane to an emotional one. They also serve to demand an explanation, insist on justice, encourage the participants in the conversation or inspire them with something, demand facts or specify the statements of the interlocutor.

So remember your questioning tactics. With them you can stop the aggressor and boor. Don't be afraid to answer a question with a question. This is also a powerful tool.

The client asks:

Why do all realtors answer a question with a question? Realtor's response:
What do you think?

If someone tells you what to do, makes incorrect comments, tries to test your knowledge in any area, or gives you grades that you did not ask for, you can fight back in one of the following ways, described by V. Petrova.

The initial, most gentle and polite method of self-defense can be described as a “psychological barrier.” With our polite and specific comments, we can delimit our personal space, clearly making it clear to the interlocutor that he is encroaching on someone else's territory. As a rule, after the first stage of self-defense, most of the aggressors retreat.

Most often, this method is used when strangers or people we barely know express their thoughts, comments, or give us advice that we did not ask for.

Here are examples of such responses:

Thank you for your attention, you don't have to worry about it.
Please don't worry about our affairs, we can sort it out ourselves.
Please don't pay so much attention...
Please don't bother yourself...
Sorry, but is it any of your business? Don't say, “It's none of your business,” which sounds much harsher, and also avoid saying, “It's my business,” because it draws attention to your person (directs the attention of others to you) rather than to your opponent's behavior.
A possible option is to remind the attacker that only the court or the Lord God has the right to judge, and the aggressor has no right to give assessments to other people. The power of these words lies in the fact that every person latently understands that he himself is not ideal and does not have the moral right to dictate to others. Any critic and boor can be ridiculed for assigning them the role of a judge: “Who are the judges?”
“On what basis are you asking me these questions?”, “On what basis are you examining me?” - such answers are formalized, but this helps to maintain one’s own confidence by association with the power of the bureaucracy and confuses unbridled boors who often operate in vernacular. The aggressiveness of such a response is significantly muted, and it can be used even in conversations with superiors in case of strong pressure.
“Let God judge that. Or do you want to take over his functions?” It doesn't matter who you're talking to - an atheist or a religious fanatic, it will still work. Redirecting “to God” is an effective technique, since everyone understands that by giving an assessment to another person, he is clearly exceeding his authority.

It is necessary to distinguish between rudeness and objective criticism.

All people make mistakes, and so do you. If you were criticized on the matter (for example, in your point of view you did not take into account some fact, did not notice something, made some mistake or oversight) - thank the critic, for example, with the words: “Yes, indeed, I did not take into account / took this fact into account. Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind,” “Thank you, I just didn’t notice that,” “I’ll think about it, thanks for the comment/information.”

A whole range of techniques for fighting back against rude people is built on the principle of transferring attention from your personality to the personality of the attacker.

An example is the phrase of one of the characters in the film “Kin-dza-dza”: “Did someone tell you that you are smart, or did you decide so yourself?”

Another option for shifting attention to the personality of the rude person is to describe his actions. Any action of your interlocutor can be represented as a picture, only painted not with paints, but with your words.

A person who behaves unworthily, as a rule, does not realize that the ugliness of his behavior and the motives that force him to act in this way are clearly visible to others, or simply displaces the understanding of this. Oddly enough, it seems to the aggressor that people perceive only his words, but do not see him (do not evaluate him). Therefore, in order to confuse the enemy, you should describe his behavior in the form of a visual picture, for example: “Can you hear what you are saying?” or “Do you realize what you look like now?”

People who like to speak for others, in particular, to speak from the position of “highest values”, “standards of morality and morality”, can also be put in their place.

You should ask the person who, for example, accused you, who specifically was harmed by your actions. If not to him personally, then you are not obligated to talk to him, much less report to him. Answer: “We will talk about this with the person whose interests were affected, but not with you.”

If the aggressor claims that you are causing damage to many at once, say: “If you wish, you have the right to contact the appropriate authorities” (for example, to your superiors, to the house management, to the police, to the court, etc.). But under no circumstances get involved in a debate that you don’t need. Do not make excuses, do not report to a person who is not an official, whose responsibilities actually include a legal assessment of your actions.

You should not talk to people who insist that you are harming third parties, even if you have irrefutable evidence of your own innocence. Save this evidence in case someone in authority to whom you actually have an obligation to report gets involved.

The very fact that you began to make excuses to a stranger indicates that you have low self-confidence, you are easily made to feel guilty, and you “owe” too much to others.

No matter how self-confident and arrogant a boor may seem to you, remember that there are people in the world with whom he is afraid to talk the way he talks to you.

Also, a rude person would not dare to behave in such a way if the situation was seen by people whom he fears or whose opinion he values. You can appeal to them: “Why don’t you repeat the same thing to so-and-so (name of this person’s boss, a relative whom he respects or fears, etc.)?”, “You don’t talk like that at work! »

Another option is to refer to virtual witnesses: “What do you think a well-mannered person would do in your place?” (you can name a specific person whom the aggressor respects), “Why do you think other people don’t do this?”

If a person who is on duty behaves unworthily, you can comment on his behavior with the wish that his words be heard by a person who is honored by representatives of this profession.

Once a teacher called a student a swear word. He was not taken aback and said: “Let Makarenko and Sukhomlinsky hear you.”

The so-called method of Milton Erickson (a famous hypnopsychotherapist), who used metaphors and stories that contained a hint or example of the behavior of the person for whom the story was intended, was very effective.

Metaphor is a type of indirect suggestion. This word consists of two Greek roots: meta - “through” and fore - “to carry”. That is, metaphor is a means of transfer. What does the metaphor convey? It transfers meanings bypassing conscious controls and barriers.

For example, here's a story about how not everything is as rude as it seems.

One day a wanderer stopped an old man walking to find out how far it was to the city.

“Go,” he answered monosyllabically. The puzzled wanderer continued on his way, reflecting on the rudeness of the local residents. But he had not walked even fifty steps when he heard:

Wait! The old man stood on the road and shouted to the traveler:

You're still an hour away from the city.

Why didn't you answer right away? - exclaimed the wanderer.

“I had to see what steps you were taking,” the old man explained.

Or a story about jumping to conclusions.

A knight walked through the desert. His journey was long. On the way, he lost his horse, helmet and armor. Only the sword remained. The knight was hungry and thirsty. Suddenly in the distance he saw a lake. The knight gathered all his remaining strength and went to the water. But right next to the lake sat a three-headed dragon.

The knight pulled out his sword and with his last strength began to fight the monster. He fought for days, then he fought for two days. He cut off two dragon heads. On the third day the dragon fell exhausted. An exhausted knight fell nearby, no longer able to stand on his feet or hold his sword.

And then, with the last of his strength, the dragon asked:

Knight, what did you want?
Drink some water.
Well, I would drink it...

And finally, remember the enchanting film “Formula of Love” and the doctor’s calm rebuke to the rogue Cagliostro using illustrative examples from life:

Yes, yes,” Cagliostro agreed. - So many fables have been made up about me that I get tired of refusing them. Meanwhile, my biography is simple and common for people holding the title of master... Let's start with childhood. I was born in Mesopotamia, not far from the confluence of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, two thousand one hundred and twenty-five years ago... - Cagliostro looked around those gathered, as if giving them the opportunity to realize what they had heard. - You are probably amazed at such an ancient date of my birth?

No, it’s not amazing,” the doctor said calmly. - We had a clerk in the district, in the patchports, where the year of birth was, he only indicated one number. Ink, the scoundrel, you see, saved. Then the matter became clear, he was sent to prison, and the patch port was no longer remade. Still a document.