Many of us find it difficult to refuse other people's constant requests. Even if satisfying these requests does not serve our interests, creates the benefit of some other person and encourages other people's shortcomings and weaknesses. In this article I will tell how to learn to say no in response to all sorts of absurd requests regarding us.

It happens that the boss asks you to stay at work for several hours without paying for overtime. Or the wife demands to buy her the tenth pair of shoes, which, in her opinion, is an urgent need. A friend has repeatedly asked if he can borrow money, although he has not yet paid off his previous debts.

Why is it difficult to refuse?

We can understand that these requests are unfair, and it would be right to refuse them. But why can’t we always do this and agree? Because of fear. Fear of failing someone's expectations or ruining relationships. What if your boss treats you worse? What if the wife gets offended? What if our friend doesn’t call us again? I will analyze all these situations sequentially in the examples below. Based on these examples, I will explain why you need to sometimes refuse people.

These examples don't cover every possible situation in life, but they do demonstrate the right way to think when you're faced with something similar and find it difficult to say no. Please read all these examples, even if you yourself do not encounter in life what is discussed in them. From the examples, I will derive general principles that will help you say no.

To get rid of fears, you need to realize that they, in fact, do not have a solid basis. The fear of offending someone or worsening a relationship, which drives your reluctance to say “no,” does not always lead to you improving your social connections. At first glance, it seems that if you never refuse anyone, people will treat you better. This is far from true.

What happens when we say yes

Let's first think about what happens when we say yes.

Example "yes" No. 1

If you constantly agree, cannot refuse your boss when he dumps additional, unnecessary work on you, then your boss will not treat you better as an independent person. This will not help you gain anyone's respect. The manager will understand that you easily agree to everything and can use this to his advantage, exploiting you as an unpaid worker.

Maybe you will be awarded the “honorary” title of “Employee of the Year,” but there will be no question of any respect. They will treat you better only as a diligent worker, on whom you can push everything, and he will only be happy.

Imagine a person who will agree with you on everything, satisfy any of your requests, like a real lackey. To everything you say, he will answer “Yes!”, “Yes!” and nod your head obediently. Will you respect and love such a person? You may like his humility and compliance, but such a personality will not inspire respect in you.

Now, think about your friends and loved ones. Surely many of them do not behave like lackeys: they may disagree with your opinion and refuse you some stupid request. Does this make your respect for these people disappear? No! Vice versa! Independence has always attracted people.

Respect is earned by those people who know how to defend their interests, demonstrate firmness and independence. Excessive gentleness and the inability to refuse anything give rise to some other feelings, but not respect or sincere sympathy.

Firmness does not exclude the possibility of compromise. All people somewhere have to sacrifice their interests and agree to what they do not want to accept. But independent natures do not strive to satisfy any other person’s request at any cost. They think about themselves, their interests and the interests of their family and do not turn their lives into serving the goals of others.

Example "yes" No. 2

Imagine that your wife or girlfriend once again provokes you into senseless spending. If you are used to constantly indulging her in this desire, then this will not lead to anything good. The short gratitude associated with the euphoria of a new purchase will after some time be replaced by a desire to buy more. Each new purchase only irritates the desire to have more and more things. It's just weakness, whim and addiction.

When you encourage these weaknesses and shortcomings, they gain new strength. The addiction and desire only intensify. It's like spoiling a child. A short flash of gratitude for a new purchase on the part of your wife has nothing to do with the love and respect that you are subconsciously afraid of losing by depriving her of this purchase.

Does an addict have respect for his dealer because he regularly supplies him with a dose? No! I am sure that many spoiled ladies (or even husbands) perceive their spouses as dealers in the pleasure that is achieved through shopping.

Your friend once again asks to borrow money. He promises to repay, although he has not yet paid off past debts. Of course, there are many different situations. Perhaps financial support is really needed, and you should try to help, even if you don’t hope to see this money again...

But it happens that a person can obtain finance himself and he simply blatantly takes advantage of your kindness.

What happens when we say no

If we always say “yes,” then we encourage other people’s shortcomings and provoke their development.

But let’s now think about what will happen if what we are most afraid of happens, namely, we say “no!”

Example "no" #1

Let's say you decide not to take on extra work and not sit in the office late. So they said: “My working day is over, no, I won’t be able to sit here for another 3 hours.” Of course, if you have taught your management that you like to work for free, then such an answer may come as a complete surprise to someone. Staying late and late at work is not normal, but when everyone is used to you working late, it becomes normal in the eyes of other people.

Therefore, someone may be taken aback by your refusal to do additional work if you have previously refused it. It’s best to immediately voice your attitude towards free overtime at your new workplace, then you won’t teach anyone that you work late. If you refuse right away, it will be much better than if you do it later.

You will be firm and your employees will respect you more. Your boss will immediately think: “You can’t ride this man.” It is unlikely that you will be fired: you have a legal right to normal working hours. If they do this, it means that the company you were hired by is bad, since it violates legal human rights and exploits its employees. Moreover, there is no need to work for such a company.

If you have been working for a long time, and everyone is accustomed to your overtime, then it is better to prepare your bosses to refuse overtime work so that this does not become a big surprise. You will not ruin the relationship, you will simply demonstrate a desire to defend your legal rights. There is nothing wrong. If the company does not understand this desire, then this is their problem, not yours. Look for a job that does not exploit the free labor of its employees.

Saying no will help you get home on time and spend more time with your family.

Example “no” No. 2

What happens if you don’t buy your wife the next “gift” she asks for? Let's think about it. There may be resentment on the part of your passion. But resentment is a consequence of the fact that a person suddenly did not get what he wanted. If someone is offended by you, it does not mean that you did something bad, it means that you did not live up to someone’s expectations. And the other person's expectations for you may be high and unreasonable. In this case, other people's expectations are other people's problems. You are not required to be responsible for them.

Resentment in this case has nothing to do with loss of respect or love.

If you say no, you are demonstrating character and will. These qualities deserve respect in contrast to spinelessness.

I don't preach greed towards others. Moreover, I believe that generosity is a manifestation of altruism and moral strength of a person, and greed is a symptom of selfishness and weakness.

But if you notice that you are simply being used to satisfy your own desires, and the endless requests for you have exceeded all boundaries of reason, then it’s time to think about saying no.

Saying “no” will help you assert your independence and your right not to be a puppet in the hands of others. If you refuse, then nothing bad will happen. The resentment will pass, and the experience learned from this situation may teach your passion to better restrain his consumer impulses. In addition, you will save money.

Unfortunately, it is possible that refusal to make a purchase will provoke a scandal. But will you sacrifice your own right to make decisions just because of the fear of scandal? Maybe you are afraid that you will be abandoned? But can a loving person break up with you because of some expensive trinket? I don't think so. And if this did happen, it means that this person did not deserve to be with you.

Example “no” #3

You told your friend that you couldn’t lend him money. He comes to you with this request again and again and each time he promises to return everything, but he does not fulfill his promises. It's obvious that he is using you. Therefore, you decided to refuse or not to lend money until he pays off his past debts.

If your friend is a reasonable person, he will understand everything perfectly. If he sincerely believes that everyone should definitely give him money, then that’s his problem. If you don't live up to that expectation, you shouldn't be held accountable for it. It's all about high expectations your friend in relation to you, and not in yourself!

Most likely, after your refusal, your friend will not soon turn to you with similar requests. Again, your “no” will not have the dire consequences that you were so afraid of.

Think, “what will this cost me?”

If you find it difficult to answer “no,” then, instead of giving in to the fear of being misunderstood, calmly think about what will happen if you say “yes” and what will happen if you say “no.” Will your fears come true when you refuse someone?

But what if the person who asks you to do something is not driven by such base impulses? Then it’s not so easy to refuse. What if your grandfather, who lives far away, asks you to visit him every weekend, but it’s difficult for you to do this for a number of reasons? Or your friend wants to borrow money from you, but he is doing this for the first time, and it is known that he repays his debts. True, we are talking about a large sum, and if you lose it even temporarily, you will begin to have difficulties.

In such situations, you need to think about others, but at the same time do not forget about your own interests. If you are thinking about agreeing, try to think about how much it will cost you to agree.

If you visit your elderly relative every weekend, then you will spend less time with your children. Perhaps you don't have much free time anyway. It’s clear that grandpa would rather see us as often as possible, but you can never please everyone completely and at the same time not neglect your business.

If you give a friend money, you will solve some of his problems, but at the same time, you will not be able to pay off your bills, since you will have less money left.

Of course, we want to help other people, but we must not forget about ourselves. In both of these situations, it is better to think of a compromise than a flat "no" or a flat "yes." Here you will need to show delicacy and a wise approach to life.

You can talk to your grandfather and explain to him that it’s hard for you to come once a week and you will visit him once a month. You can lend a smaller amount to a friend, saying that you don’t have a lot of money right now. And you can help him find the rest of the amount: contact your friends.

Always think about how much the next “yes” will cost you.. If this is too expensive for you, then look for another way out in this situation besides consent. Your life experience and social skills will help you with this.

Don't underestimate other people

You don’t need to think that every person will hold a grudge against you when you cannot satisfy their desires. Reasonable people can understand what your consent may cost you. Such people respect your interests.

For example, when I invite one of my friends to meet me, they may answer me: “Of course I can, but I’m uncomfortable today, I would like to stay at home...” To this I answer: “Everything is fine, no problems, no, no, I’m all I understand, you don’t have to explain anything to me.”

Of course, I wanted to meet the person, but what if he doesn’t have the opportunity to do so? I respect his wishes and interests and therefore will not be offended.

In reverse situations, when I have to deny my friends something, I immediately put myself in their place. I know that they are reasonable people and they understand me and my desires and, therefore, will not be offended by me.

Unfortunately, not everyone can always show understanding towards others. We are all subject to selfishness, to one degree or another. There is no need to encourage this quality in others, rushing to satisfy other people's selfish requests. If some people don't respect your wishes, then why should you agree to their requests?

And remember:

You can't please everyone!

It's impossible to please everyone! You can never refuse anything to anyone and at the same time maintain your independence and your interests. It is difficult to meet all the expectations of others: there will always be someone who will be dissatisfied with you, at least in some way. And that's okay. Your father wants you to become an engineer like him, but you only see yourself as a free entrepreneur. Your husband wants you to cook for him every day, even though you spend as much time at work as he does. Your children expect you to buy them new toys every day, but this is impossible.

You have your own life to live, your own views on this life and your own freedom. You live for yourself, and not to meet other people's expectations. You are not obliged to please the egoism of your own father, husband, wife, boss or state until the end of your years, ignoring your own goals and desires. If someone can't forgive you for becoming a doctor and not a pilot, then that's their problem, not yours.

These are problems of other people's prejudices, selfishness, and expectations. It is not your fault that the other person cannot become more flexible and understand you. You don’t always need to be responsible for other people’s cockroaches, for other people’s beliefs!

The fear of saying “no” is the fear of not meeting someone else's expectations. This does not always mean that you are afraid to say “no” to someone’s request. This may mean that you are afraid to deceive someone's plans, someone's interests, even if no one directly asks you for anything.

For example, your friends tell you that you don't spend enough time with them. But you have other things to do, you think it’s right to devote more time to family than to friends.

If you think something is right, then do it without looking at others. Try explaining to your friends how busy you are with your family. If they don't understand, so be it. There is no need to be upset about this or try to convince your friends by insisting that you are right. Live as you lived. It is impossible to always be right in front of everyone.

If people don’t want to understand you, then nothing can be done about it. This is life, in it you need to choose whether you live for yourself or strive to meet other people's expectations. Compromise is possible, but not always. Therefore, have the courage to put up with other people’s insults, other people’s misunderstandings, if you want to live your own life. This will always be there, and there is no escape from it.

Often, for fear of offending a person, we are unable to refuse him, even if this service would be a burden to us personally. Overloaded with other people's problems, one's own affairs are usually put on the back burner. Many people live like this, solving other people’s problems until old age, taking care of other people’s children and doing other people’s repairs. But learning to say “no” when circumstances require it is still possible, although very difficult.

Other people's problems

Try to find a reason why you cannot refuse. Let's say, in your opinion, you have free time, but the other person does not, and this is a reason to help him. The problem that someone doesn’t know how to plan their time is not yours at all. People are just used to counting on you in certain situations. Understand that you are free to manage your own time, money and energy as you see fit.

It seems to you that they can’t do it without your help. Imagine that you went somewhere or got sick. Your friends will probably solve their problems somehow. They will do the same if you refuse. People use you because it is much easier and more convenient for them. It is for them, not for you.

You think that the person who asked for the favor will be grateful to you. Nothing like this. Helpless people are rarely grateful; such help is taken for granted. Each of your services provokes more and more new requests. It will all start, of course, with small things - you will be asked to look after the children or lend money - and then your help will be taken for granted.

Perhaps you're just afraid to say no. Resentment, anger or revenge - it doesn’t matter what. Accept this fear, but don't be led by it. Remember how at school or university you were afraid to take a difficult exam, but, nevertheless, you passed it. Do the same in this case: be afraid, but refuse.

Not a rag and not a chervonets

First, practice in front of a mirror. “No” should sound firm, not guilty or rude. Speak calmly but confidently. Otherwise, the person asking will have a desire to continue asking you for a favor.

Learn to say no to small things. Are they trying to intercept your money “until tomorrow”? Explain that every penny counts for you. Are you tired of long conversations on the phone? Say you're busy. Once you can say no on minor things, it will be easier to do so on serious things.

Don’t make excuses, because you didn’t promise anything. If you want to explain the reason for the refusal, do it calmly. If a person begins to manipulate you and becomes indignant: “Why don’t you want to do this?”, ask him a counter question: “Why should I do this?”

Many people whom you considered your best friends may change their attitude towards you. Be prepared for this. Someone who is used to sitting on your neck may stop communicating with you altogether, but this is not bad; those who truly appreciate and respect you will remain with you.

Decide on your life priorities. Decide what is more important to you and make a list. For example, family takes first place, career comes second, friends come third, and so on. And don't forget about this when you make a choice between “no” and “yes.”

You will not win universal love with your sacrifice. At best, you will be known as a “rag,” so remember that you are not a piece of gold that everyone will like. And don’t let anyone control your life, even if it’s your closest and dearest person.

A cry for help or manipulation?

A reliable person is always easy to manipulate. Psychologists divide methods of manipulation into several groups. One of them is conventionally called “this is sacred.” Using such manipulation, a person asks you for something, hiding behind the interests of children, the sick, and the elderly. Do not forget that the true reasons for the requests associated with them may be far from sacred.

Another method of manipulation can be called “putting pressure on pity.” In fact, the number of troubles and misfortunes that befall each person is approximately the same. So why does someone solve their problems themselves, while someone tells how bad their life is and asks you for help? Do not forget about this equality of fate and do not immediately rush to help.

“After all, we are friends!” exclaims the manipulator from the third group and immediately asks you for help. However, not every friend can ask for help, knowing that it will be difficult for you. A true friend will always have your best interests in mind.

Use his own weapons against the manipulator. He tells you about his illnesses - tell him about yours, you were reminded of friendship - tell him that, as a true friend, he himself will refuse help, and so on. A real manipulator will immediately show his true face. But it is much easier to refuse an irritated, angry person.

The material was prepared based on information from open sources

Just imagine for a moment that, for example, some friend of yours suggested you something that you don’t want to do at all. But - due to your character - you still agree with him. And this happens even despite the fact that this proposal does not bring any benefit or benefit to you, but only satisfies the interests of another person. What to do in such a situation? How to learn to say “no”? Let's talk about this.

Most likely, you have often encountered a situation where your boss insisted that you stay at work a few more hours, without additional pay. Or, for example, your wife tried to persuade you to buy the tenth dress, which, according to her, she desperately needed. And how did you feel at that moment?

Why can't a person refuse?

In most cases, each of us understands that such requests must be answered with a clear and irrevocable refusal. But why do we agree then? It's all about fear. The fact is that we are too concerned about what they will think of us, and we worry whether we will offend the person asking with our refusal, or whether we will ruin our relationship with our wife or boss. Situations when a request must be answered negatively will be discussed in more detail below. Of course, it’s not a fact that you will encounter exactly this state of affairs, but with an example it will be easier for you to understand how to learn to say “no.”

Fear of offending

In order to no longer be haunted by such fears, you need to understand that they are completely groundless. Even if you always agree to everything, people will not love you anymore. Quite the opposite - the degree of respect for you may decrease significantly, because you have already proven yourself to be a person who does not have his own opinion and self-respect.

Workhorse

First, let's understand what happens when we systematically say “yes.”

If you constantly work overtime and have responsibilities that you have absolutely no obligation to perform, this does not mean that your boss will idolize you. Quite the opposite. He will simply understand that you are the kind of person he can “ride” and will use this character trait of yours for his personal interests. Moreover, it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve respect in the team this way. Although it is possible that, summing up the results of the year, the manager will reward you with a bonus (which rarely happens). But! The boss, and the entire team as a whole, will understand that you are a person on whom you can shift any responsibility and not pay a penny. Just imagine for a moment that there is a person next to you who gives an exclusively positive answer to any of your requests. He, like a faithful servant, will always do what his master orders. Most likely, this individual will very soon begin to cause you a feeling of irritation, but not respect.

Now let's change the scenery. Think about the people who surround you. In particular about your loved ones. Remember the situation when, for example, you asked your brother for something, and he refused you. Did you stop respecting him after that? Hardly. Independent opinion was, is and remains held in high esteem. People who can defend their point of view and justify their own opinion without delay and without a drop of embarrassment always enjoy authority. Those who constantly agree on everything are unlikely to be able to gain respect. Of course, we are not talking about the fact that you should always be denied everything. Making compromises is also a kind of art. But in any case, you need to start from your own interests first, and only then think about how such a request will benefit another person.

Wallet with money

As a second example, we can cite a wife who constantly demands money from her husband for his next shopping trip. Do you think that because you do not refuse your beloved wife, she will respect and love you more? Not at all. Shopping is her whim and desire. The more you indulge her in this, the greater the requests will be. Think about people who use drugs. Well, do they really have a feeling of respect for the dealer who constantly sells them dose after dose? So the wife, with constant indulgence, will treat her husband as a seller of pleasure. Of course, no one says that the spouse does not need to give gifts at all. It is necessary, as necessary, but only in moderation. As for whims and whims... Learn to say “no”! Otherwise, you will act as an accomplice in the development of such human vices as greed, spoiledness, etc. Constant agreement only makes people worse.

Good grandmother

Perhaps the example of buying clothes for your wife will be incomprehensible to many, then let’s remember the child’s requests to buy him a new toy. Agree, if you follow the whims of little commanders, then very soon they will start pointing at the desired item in every store and demanding to buy it. Many parents understand this point, and therefore nip in the bud any child’s attempts to manipulate adults. Although there are still beloved and kind grandmothers who could not rein in their grandchildren in time, and over time they begin to reap the benefits of this permissiveness. And all because at one time they could not say a firm “No!” to their beloved grandson!

What happens if you say no?

From all of the above, it became clear that constant agreement will not lead to anything good. Here we need to understand that instead of respect, we can get the exact opposite reaction from people. Moreover, this can happen at the most unexpected and inopportune moment. The result of this behavior will be that others will perceive you as a person who will never refuse anyone for anything.

Let's now look at situations in which we still dare and say: “No!”

Designate positions

If we consider the situation with processing, then there may be three options. It all depends on how long you have been working in this workplace and how you behaved before. How to learn to say “no” to your boss? Let us immediately note that refusing is not so difficult. If you have just recently started work, it is best to notify your boss in advance that you are not a supporter of free work, therefore, if you stay late, it will only be for appropriate payment. If an employee has been working at the same workplace for quite a long time and agrees to overtime on an ongoing basis, then he needs to first prepare his superiors for refusal. Here you need to understand that it is impossible to ruin a relationship with such behavior. Getting fired won't get you fired either. And if this does happen, think about whether you should work in a company where basic legal human rights are not respected? If you learn to follow the rule: “Always say no,” you will not come home late and, as a bonus, you will gain respect in the team.

Set clear boundaries

Well, who among us has not encountered a situation where friends ask to borrow money? Most often, many people have certain principles and clear rules that they adhere to and do not lend money to neighbors, colleagues or just friends. However, there are those who simply cannot refuse and lend money even when they themselves do not have enough in reserve. In this case, it is necessary to develop a tough position and respond with a categorical refusal, referring to your life rule of not borrowing money.

Destroy false expectations

In the case of a shopaholic wife, your refusal, of course, can cause resentment. But don't worry. This is just a reaction to the fact that your spouse will not get what she wants from you. Remember one thing: if someone has a feeling of resentment towards you, this does not mean at all that you did something wrong, you simply did not live up to the expectations placed on you. But expectations may not always work in your favor. Therefore, if someone expects something from you, it’s that person’s problem, but not yours. You are absolutely not obliged to bear responsibility for them.

In the end, some women do not know how to stop in time and say “no” to their beloved when it comes to buying the next new thing or a high-calorie piece of cake.

Show character

If someone is offended by you, this does not mean at all that you will subsequently lose respect and love from this person. The psychology of communicating with people says that if you refuse a request from this or that person, you will simply show that you have will and character. It is these qualities that will deserve respect, in contrast to spinelessness. Let us emphasize once again that greed is a very bad feeling, therefore, it is possible and even necessary to give gifts, especially to your loved ones. But at the same time, it is very important to understand how to learn to say “no” to people. After all, in this way you will be able to look at those around you in a new way and finally see that you are simply being used for their own personal purposes. Refusal will help you stop depending on other people's requests, and the strings that were pulling you will fall from your hands. Understand one thing: sooner or later the offense will be forgotten, and your wife will understand that you have finally stopped indulging her in all her whims. In addition, you can save your money.

And further. You will understand how to learn to refuse when you stop being afraid. For example, let's return to the situation with my wife. Do you think that if your missus receives a refusal, this will lead to a scandal or even a breakup? Well, it's quite possible. Do you need a life partner who is ready to leave his family because of some thing? Or are you ready to sacrifice your personal opinion for the sake of your wife?

conclusions

So, let's try to summarize the question: “How to learn to say “no”?”

Do not think that if you refuse someone, he will harbor a fierce grudge against you. If you are surrounded by adequate people, then this obviously will not happen. Let's say a friend called you and asked for a meeting, but you already have this or that event planned. Just tell him about it. Of course, a normal person, if the issue does not concern life and death, will understand everything and tell you that nothing bad will happen if you meet another time.

Now you have a rough idea of ​​how to learn to say “no.” In any case, always remember that your interests should under no circumstances be infringed for the sake of someone else.

From an early age, a little person is taught to obey. First parents, then educators, teachers. This habit of an already adult person begins to be manipulated by everyone around him - friends, relatives, wives/husbands and even his own children.
It’s hard to say “no” only to very well-mannered, kind and gentle people.

For them, it is better to take on the responsibility of solving many other people’s problems than to refuse. Offending or upsetting anyone, much less a loved one, is tantamount to a crime. All vitality and energy resources are spent on helping and participating in a completely different destiny, of course, at the expense of one’s own desires and priorities.

Reasons preventing you from refusing

1. Low self-esteem. Such people are ready to do anything to get attention. The desire to appear in the eyes of others as a true friend who will help out under any circumstances.
2. Fear of loneliness. Refusal often causes resentment and some tension in the relationship. To maintain mutual understanding, a person often agrees to tasks that are impossible for him.
3. Gratitude as a way to feel useful and important. Such a “payment” instantly increases self-esteem, and even though you have nothing to boast about in your own life, the thought of being involved in other people’s achievements undoubtedly warms you.
4. The desire to help is common to many people. A good attitude and participation must be in moderation, otherwise there will definitely appear many people who are deprived of conscience, tact and other moral principles, who will take advantage of other people’s nobility and generosity of soul.
5. Fear of conflict. Maintain a peaceful environment even to the detriment of your own interests. Such people think that their refusal will provoke the anger of their interlocutor and cause him a storm of indignation.

How to learn to say no

The refusal must be clearly formulated. Without backstories, apologies and unnecessary discussions. The intonation should be confident, a firm “no”, sounds like a principle, a position on this issue. If a person deliberately puts you in an uncomfortable position, understanding in advance that his request is contrary to your interests, then there is no point in explaining the reason for the refusal.

Fear of conflict and ruining relationships. But it is not the refusal itself that can offend, but rather the form in which it was presented. First, your participation and attitude towards this person is expressed: “I would really like to fulfill your request. I value our relationship very much. I understand perfectly how important this is for you and I’m sorry myself,” but “I can’t do this.” In the first part of the statement, you should not express refusal, because after it the person will no longer perceive any information.

Time matters. If you immediately understand that the request is impossible for you or will require resources necessary for your personal goals, then there is no need to delay the refusal. The imaginary hope will still not come true and will definitely cause resentment. The reputation of an unreliable person who makes empty promises is also a very unpleasant appendage.

The desire to please everyone, to be always welcoming and friendly, can play a cruel joke. Reevaluate your inner values ​​and give yourself the opportunity to live your life exclusively. Selfishness in such cases is a life-saving medicine. You can practice in any living conditions. Even if the request is not difficult, purposefully say “no” until it becomes a habit. “Give me your place in line, I’m late for work” - “NO”, “Give sick children for surgery” - “NO”, “Lend me a thousand” - “NO”, “Sit with the children, we’re going on vacation” - "NO". When the refusal no longer causes internal contradictions, you can adequately assess the situation and help, if possible.

In most cases, people can either cope with the situation on their own, or they will turn to someone else other than you who has greater capabilities to resolve the required issue. Therefore, you need to consider your refusal from the point of view of allowing your loved ones to live their lives, create according to their plan, and not shift the difficulties that arise to those at hand.

You can practice in front of a mirror. Rehearse a calm, confident look, smooth, hesitating speech. It’s good to prepare a few cliches for each situation that will express your refusal in a gentle form without humiliating or offending your interlocutor. “I have an important meeting planned today, and I won’t be able to help you out,” “I would love to help you, but I have training.” A lie is inappropriate, it is better to adapt the situation by slightly embellishing it - an interesting training, a long-awaited exhibition, a long-promised trip to your mother-in-law, a quarterly report. Don't be afraid that your business is more important. Your work, health, parents, children, family, hobbies, mood and well-being are higher on the scale of priorities of other people's relationships, problems and adversities.

Concentration in fulfilling your work duties and showing attention to loved ones and family will not cause you to want to take you away from such important matters. As a last resort, you can use your responsibility and scrupulousness in solving your own problems as a reason for refusal. The interlocutor will not be offended by such a busy friend.

You can do any practice that increases self-esteem. Trainings, affirmations and visualizations promote self-acceptance and self-worth. Only after realizing the value of life and defining personal boundaries will it become easier to say “no”. It will be easy to protect your dreams, goals and desires; faith in your uniqueness will be transmitted to others at a rapid speed.

Women's psychology. How to learn to say “No” - advice from a psychologist on the website website

From early childhood, loving parents instill in girls that they need to behave correctly, always fulfill other people's requests, and that it is impolite to refuse someone. And this is natural, because altruism has always been a distinctive feature of the Slavic soul. But imposed high ideals are often irrational, and you also need to be able to defend your own interests. As a result, many women today live with oppressive husbands, obediently do extra work and endure insolence from relatives - because they do not know how to say “no”.

How to learn to say “No”

At all times, representatives of the fair sex have tried to raise them from childhood to be kind, gentle and sympathetic. As a result, even in the modern selfish world, not every woman knows how to firmly say “no” in cases where her personal interests are affected.

When life becomes hell

Surprisingly, even modern HR managers do not seek to hire applicants who are too soft and responsive. After all, they understand perfectly well that in literally a month or two, a new employee who is helpful and does not know how to say “no” will simply run out of steam, and will do her job poorly - after all, she is always “on errands.”

The woman and her family suffer from an excess of “false” kindness. Such a working mother will never come home on time, because every day she helps another employee finish a project or constantly replaces someone on duty. And in the end, such softness leads to the fact that neither office nor household duties are properly performed, and the woman herself becomes like a cornered horse. An amazing paradox: she cannot say no to helping strangers, but she successfully says “no” to herself and her family.

False illusions

But, no matter how nice a good-natured woman may be outwardly, who is ready to help and sacrifice something personal at any time of the day, other feelings can play in her soul: contempt for herself and her spinelessness, despair and quiet hatred of those who ask for it. that they are essentially ruining her life. But, gritting her teeth, such a woman still follows the lead of many people and serves as a lifesaver for them. They are easy to manipulate and easy to use for your own purposes. Therefore, first you need to get rid of false illusions that can destroy your life:

Illusion 1. If you answer a colleague “no” to her request, she will be very offended

This false idea of ​​human relationships is brought up in girls from early childhood: “Help your grandmother, otherwise she will be offended by you,” “Listen to your father, otherwise he will not love you.” It is very easy to get rid of such an illusion - just ask any other person for something trivial. It turns out that people can say “no” easily and without much hesitation, and no one gets offended by them.

But manipulators, who have long been on the neck of a kind and disinterested employee, may “just for the sake of appearance” begin to take offense. Of course, in this case they lose, as psychologists say, a “warm place” - a helpful employee or an overly kind friend who is always ready to do the work for them while they relax and spend time with their family. In this case, it is important to understand that a classic manipulator cannot be a good friend, and therefore you should not value your relationship with him.

Illusion 2. You can’t say “No” at a new job.

Of course, to build relationships with important people or at the beginning of a career, it is quite acceptable to be complacent. But gradually you need to get out of this role. After all, any leader, first of all, values ​​a good specialist, and not an “errand girl.” Therefore, some helpfulness at first is still welcome and favorable for joining the team, but then any boss wants to see how the new employee is completely immersed in her own work.

Illusion 3: Saying “no” can make you lonely.

It is this illusion that is the main reason that some women are ready to sacrifice themselves so that others value them and want to communicate with them. They simply allow themselves to be used and are fully aware of it. This behavior is called “victim”, and most often it is due to low self-esteem and complexes. It is very important for such a woman to understand that people are loved, respected and valued not for their helpfulness (they rather laugh at such people), but for their intelligence, sociability, charisma and personal attractiveness. Therefore, the hackneyed truth has always been and will be at the head of human relationships: love yourself, and then others will love you.