The oddities of mating found an explanation

“She is so scary, but he married her, and he just walked with me, a beauty!”, “And she exchanged me for this bully (or despot) who torments her!”. Everyone heard these cries of the soul more than once. And we regularly ask ourselves: really, why??? "MK" figured out the "oddities of choosing a partner" with the help of specialists and is now ready to answer the most painful questions.

Myths about love do not come from nowhere, they are confirmed by numerous stories - a beautiful woman was abandoned for the sake of an ugly woman, and an intelligent manager - for the sake of yesterday's prisoner. And the whole trick is that we see only the tip of the iceberg, and the clue lies at its base. It's just that we all have virtues for which we are loved, and shortcomings that we are forgiven for.

Why do men love "gray mice"?

Here is what 33-year-old Marina told the psychologist: “I grew up in a middle-class family and from childhood I dreamed of marrying a rich man. When my mother tried to teach me how to darn socks or make jam, they say, if you get married, it will come in handy, I snorted: “I won’t need this!” I saw in the mirror that I am beautiful. So there are chances!

A friend took me to work as an adviser. He took me with him to all business meetings, business dinners and other events of this kind. There I met Evgeny Konstantinovich, my Zhenya. Outwardly, he was nothing - glasses, however, expensive, receding hairline, despite the fact that he was a little over thirty, a tummy, skillfully hidden by a jacket made to order in Italy. But he seemed handsome to me - a billionaire! And it started with us ... He did not know how to take care and was a little greedy, but he still bought me jewelry, gave me a car. And how I courted him! In bed, she began with the image of an innocent girl and gradually moved on to the role of a sophisticated lover. What I didn’t come up with to captivate him ... and he was fond of, and how! And two years later, when I already felt like Zhenechka's wife, he told me that he had decided to marry. But not on me! And on some nondescript scum who works for him at a firm in the legal department. He, you see, is calm and comfortable with her. He is sure that she will be a good wife - she knows how to bake pies and ... attention! - darn socks! Billionaire - why does he need darned socks ??? She, therefore, will stay at home, bake pies and give birth to children. And he, if he wants, can afford any beauty-mistress. I wonder what if I immediately played such a hack, hiding, and not emphasizing my beauty? If I darned socks and made jam, would he marry me?”

What's on the surface of the iceberg? From her story, Marina only learned that it is more convenient for a rich man to keep a nondescript “mouse” at home in order to calmly go about his business. And beauties are more suitable for adultery.

What's at the base?“Beauties believe that they are already a prize in themselves,” says psychologist Denis Tokar, “and not too bright girls (sometimes consciously, sometimes not) compensate for external discreetness with emphasized femininity - tenderness, sexuality, delicate taste and other feminine virtues that are pleasant to the male eye . But the main thing is that they are ready to take care of a man, create an aura of peace and comfort around him, make him feel like a hero and give him themselves. They try to listen and hear him, to be sensitive to his interests and needs. This means that they are ready to do their part of the relationship work. And such "mice" win in comparison with beauties who consider themselves valuable in themselves and do not consider it necessary to do anything else for the relationship - except to hand themselves into the hands of a man and entertain him in bed.

Examples.

On the Oscar red carpet, you will not find a stranger couple than the stately macho Hugh Jackman and his wife. “The sexiest man on the planet”, according to many tabloids, could get any beauty, but for the second decade his heart has belonged to the “gray mouse” - his wife Deborra-Lee Furness, who is also older than him by as much as 13 years.

The famous Dr. House, recognized in 2008 as the sexiest doctor in the history of cinema, actor Hugh Laurie is married to theater administrator Jo Green and assures that she is the dearest person to him. Although Jo, to put it mildly, is not at all like the on-screen beloved of Dr. House, Lisa Cuddy.

"Eternal Bond" Pierce Brosnan, even in his 60s, continues to hold the title of a sex symbol ... and be a faithful husband to his fat wife. Agent 007 has always been accompanied by beauties (Halle Berry, Denis Richards and others), but the main place in the life and heart of Pierce for almost two decades has been occupied by TV presenter Keely Shay Smith, who, according to the delicate reviews of eyewitnesses, "is getting bigger every year."

Why do women love despots?

43-year-old Alexander in the office of a specialist asks: is it really true that women need tyrants and despots?

“It happened a year ago, and I'm still in shock. I fell in love with a girl, and soon realized that I could not live without her. I am so arranged that if I really fall in love, I dissolve in a person, I break into a board to please, to do something pleasant. The girl simply bathed in my attention and care, she didn’t know any refusal.

But one day I call her and ask when we will see each other. And she: “Never. I met the man of my dreams... I'm sorry." And that's all ... When I found out from mutual friends what he was, the man of her dreams, I felt bad. He is a personal worker, carries some businessman. He talks to her like this: “Be quiet, woman! Do what I told you! Are you fool? Is there another way to explain it?" And she endures all this with truly slavish obedience! He looks at him with adoration, like a dog at the owner, he won’t say a word across. And, by the way, one of her friends said to me, commenting on this: “You're screwed, dear. We, the women, should be treated like that, we love the brutal ones. And you dissolved snot with her, so you got yours. ” Do women really prefer such people to normal men - loving, gentle, caring? And if so, why? I am struggling with this issue…”

What's on the surface? The rejected Alexander made a superficial conclusion based on Pushkin: “The less we love a woman, the easier she likes us ...” He decided that his girlfriend was just waiting for an iron fist and metal in her voice and did not appreciate a good attitude.

What's at the base?“Tyrannical traits never happen in a person from scratch,” explains psychologist Alina Kolesova, “they serve as an addition to a strong character, which women associate with reliability and security. And it causes for a reason: hardly any of the women just like it when they raise their voices at her, order them, take them under tight control and restrict freedom. A despot is not one who bangs his fist on the table at home, but in the rest of his life is weak and weak-willed. This is a man who tends to tightly control the situation around him as a whole, this applies not only to his woman. Vibes of strength, self-confidence, integrity of nature emanate from such a person and inspire a woman with the feeling of a “stone wall”. At the level of unconscious perception of the transmission of power, it is just the external manifestations of brutality - a loud voice, harsh judgments, decisive actions. Of course, such a despotic type is not suitable for every woman, and not everyone will choose such a couple. Rather, a woman with a gentle character will rush into the arms of a tyrant, feeling that she often cannot cope with external problems or with herself, and she needs a “guide”. However, if a darling is a tyrant only in relation to a woman, and if he gives in to difficulties from the outside, hides in the bushes, no one will like it.

Examples. Sonechka Bers, an educated young lady, accustomed to going out into the world, playing the piano and guests, was married at the age of 18 by 34-year-old Leo Tolstoy. The first thing the groom did was to tell the bride about his premarital affairs, and the next morning after the wedding night he wrote in his diary: “Not that!” Nevertheless, the husband locked his "wrong" for 19 years in Yasnaya Polyana and made it so that a well-bred young girl gave birth to a child a year - in total, Sophia Tolstaya gave birth to 13 children, 5 of whom died in childhood. And having learned that his wife was pregnant with her 13th child, her husband accused her of seducing him herself - after all, by that time the count preached complete chastity and sexual abstinence. Due to inflammation of the mammary glands, it was difficult for Sophia to feed, but at the insistence of her husband, she did it anyway, because he did not recognize nurses. And soon Lev Nikolayevich stopped recognizing the work of servants - and the whole economy in the family estate fell on the shoulders of the unfortunate Sophia. She tried and created comfort, which caused even more irritation to her husband. Tolstoy said in his hearts: “It is very hard in the family. I can't sympathize with them! All the joys of children: the exam, the successes of the world, music, the atmosphere - I consider all this a misfortune and evil for them! And all Sofya Andreevna ... "As we know from the books of Tolstoy himself, it was possible in those days to leave a despot husband who himself does not know what he wants. But Sophia not only did not leave, she also blamed herself when, in her 60s, Tolstoy himself abandoned her. And before that, she managed to raise children and take a very serious part in the work of Lev Nikolaevich - Sophia copied by hand the drafts of his works (thousands of pages), negotiated with publishers, and in response regularly received all new claims. Researchers of the writer's life note that the count contradicted himself on the women's issue: on the one hand, Tolstoy believed that women purposely draw strength and means from a man, but at the same time he was categorically against emancipation as an opportunity for a woman to support herself. Tolstoy liked to publicly express his impartial views on women, but everyone around him understood that his attacks were directed primarily at his own wife. The pity and incomprehension of those around her why she allows herself to be treated like this (together with the indifference of the count-peasant to his own yard girls), led Sofya Andreevna to hysteria, paranoia and repeated suicide attempts. But she still didn’t leave her husband and waited until he left her himself, saying goodbye instead of gratitude: “I don’t blame you ...”

Why do women like "bad guys"?

And here is the problem with which 30-year-old Anton came to the psychologist:

“I work as a programmer, I am always busy at work; I can hardly get along with women, I don’t know how to care. But if I start a relationship, I do it one hundred percent: flowers, gifts, restaurants, trips to the sea. I make good money, but I don't need much for myself. My Nastya grew up in an intelligent family, every weekend we went somewhere together: to an exhibition, to a theater, to a skating rink. After - necessarily a restaurant. I found places where we had not been before: in this way, Nastya and I tried, probably, all the cuisines of the world. It seemed that events were developing according to plan. I was already looking on the Internet for options for a joint summer vacation, and in the fall I thought of making an offer ...

But suddenly Anastasia announced that she was leaving for her former classmate, with whom she had an affair on the social network. I found that guy on the Internet: a gangster face, judging by the statuses on the page, constantly gets into some stories with fisticuffs, doesn’t really work anywhere and drinks hard. And so I think: what did Nastya lack with me that she grabbed such a freak? Or do women like to feel head and shoulders above their man so they can talk down to him?

What's on the surface? Offended, Anton learned from his bitter experience that women are strange creatures who do not appreciate positive men who treat them seriously and with respect. And it is worth becoming (or pretending to be) a hooligan, unpredictable and unreliable, as stupid women lose their heads and rush to “re-educate” and love the unlucky.

What's at the base?“Bad guys are loved not for the bad things they do - no one can fall in love with bad deeds and qualities in themselves,” explains psychologist Alina Kolesova. - They are forgiven for their shortcomings - the ability to get drunk, fight, etc. - because these actions stem from their general "machism". A hooligan has its own charm, but not in hooliganism itself, but in the freedom to go against the rules, against the routine, not to depend on the opinions of others. It is pleasant for everyone to feel like a fragile and adored girl when the first hooligan of the court with loving eyes is nearby. A typical "bad guy" is fearless, unpredictable, reckless, strong, direct, aggressive, independent, with obvious inclinations of a leader who knows how to subjugate others. The secret of the "bad guys" is concentrated masculine traits. Next to such a charismatic brutal "bad boy", a positive modest "nerd" looks completely unromantic. Girls fall in love with rebels who have the courage to protest against boring rules and dogmas, imbued with confidence in such a force. The bad guy will save you from any situation - simply because he likes to feel like a hero, he doesn’t give a damn what dad-mom-colleagues-neighbors say. True, most often a love story with a “bad guy” breaks down into everyday life, into which the “bad guy” also transfers his indifference and recklessness, only in family life it all looks less attractive. Of course, there is an element of salvation in girls' love for bad guys. And it is good girls who get into this story - after all, they were brought up in such a way that pulling up all sorts of losers is good and noble.

Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie. Photo: frame from the film.

Examples. History, literature and cinema know many examples from the category of "a young lady and a bully." Recall at least the heroine Chulpan Khamatova in the "Country of the Deaf", who pulls the player, earns money at the risk of his life to repay the debt, and he loses everything, and even hides it with his last words. Angelina Jolie for a long time could not part with the charming Billy Bob Thornton - a classic hooligan, drunkard and drug addict. And British moviegoers called Jack Nicholson “bad guy No. 1” - that’s who women loved from childhood to this day. Robert Downey Jr., Mel Gibson, Kiefer Sutherland, Colin Farrell, Jude Law - they all became famous not only for their talent, but also for their excessive drinking, drug addiction, promiscuity, disregard for public morality and enviable inconstancy. However, good girls continue to love them with the same enviable constancy - for decades. But there is one subtlety: these girls never get smaller, but their age remains young. Every normal young lady, focused on a normal happy family life, once there comes a moment when she irrevocably outgrows her bully - and leaves him in the past, no matter how much she loved before.

Why do beautiful women choose ugly men?
I asked this question for a long time. And still have not received a thoughtful answer. I do not rule out that there are women who believe that appearance is not the main thing for a man, and a man should be a little more beautiful than a monkey. I don't know how many of them as a percentage, but I think it's not much. It can be assumed, of course, that beauty is a loose concept, because someone loves watermelon, and someone loves pork cartilage. But you must admit, there are certain standards of beauty, according to which, of all men, you can more or less painlessly compile a beauty rating, such as the one printed by large newspapers marked Best. So, if a beautiful woman looks at her chosen one and realizes that he is far from Brad Pitt, then what is she doing next to him? Let's say he's fabulously rich. Then the question of appearance fades into the background, if not the 22nd. But now there is a crisis, there are fewer and fewer millionaires, and more and more unemployed. And then, well, do you really think that there will be enough millionaires for all the beautiful women of the planet? Then what makes these beautiful ladies put up with these monsters?
I have another version - it is more difficult to take a terrible man out of the family, it is not scary to introduce him to all unmarried friends. There is some advantage to this. But cons. In my opinion, much more.
I rejected the version of selfless love. A version of fabulous wealth too. Then what are we left with? Women feel more confident in the company of a mediocre-looking man. Against its background, they become even more beautiful. Attract the attention of other men. Among which there may be more attractive options. That is, in fact, these men are a bargaining chip in the hands of greedy and beautiful women. A kind of springboard from which you can push off into a brighter future. In the meantime, it has not come, bathe in attention and care, sometimes allow yourself to be loved, amuse your aging pride and maintain at least some status of a femme fatale. I see this version, albeit cynical, but very viable, because as far as I know, they all want to marry a handsome, not an average man. Even it is insulting somehow for men. But what did you want? If men themselves have corrupted women beyond recognition. Instead of. To dream of marriage, motherhood and family. They are looking for “one night stand” partners, “until I find better” partners. That's it. Everything turns against you. If a man is polygamous by nature. That for a woman is already nonsense. However, nature does not seem to be going to put up with this alignment of things. Throwing us more and more tests. Dear women, do not choose these ugly men, look for good ones right away, and do not rush from one to another in the hope of choosing a better one. Everyone chooses for themselves. So choose the right one!

Reviews

Irina, I do not agree with you.
First of all, you can often see beauties, namely MARRIED for complete Pithecanthropus freaks, and not just sleeping a night or two. So it's no longer a springboard, not "until I find a better one." This is a serious attraction.
Therefore, the reason is different.

I think that many beauties get married and choose STUPID SCARY monkey freaks for the very reason that beauties tend to have no intelligence at all. The fact is that men spoiled them from school - they did homework at school for them. That is why many beauties have degraded to the level of monkeys. More precisely, they never developed to the level of Homo Sapiens.
That is why, in choosing a life partner (and not a partner for one night), they choose the same male monkeys - i.e. are guided in choosing a husband NOT BY INTELLIGENCE, but by the primitive instincts of a million-year-old female primate.

To each his own.
Smart women choose smart intelligent successful men as their husbands, and stupid spoiled beauties of the Stone Age - the same stupid half-monkey pithecanthropes.

Yes, it is unfair - the nation is degrading. After all, beauties lose their genes and give birth to freaks.
What to do? It is necessary to return the Soviet system of education and conduct particularly strict control over the academic performance of beauties, especially in mathematics, physics and chemistry.

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By Selena, on December 2nd, 2009

In the field of dating and establishing relationships, girls take a passive position: they either accept the offer of guys to meet and meet, or they refuse. Therefore, from their passive position, it is extremely difficult for them to imagine the difficulties that the active side, that is, the guys, faces in the process of meeting and establishing relationships.

Many girls believe that a "nice guy" should have no trouble getting to know any girl. And for some reason he chooses a terrible or a fool, instead of pairing with a beautiful, smart and lonely girl. That is exactly what your question is. And it testifies that despite your mind, you see only the external side of events, but you are already ready to look inside - into the soul of a “good guy”.

Imagine yourself in his place - in the place of the active side in the process of getting to know each other.

To get acquainted with any girl (I emphasize - with any, including a terrible and stupid one), you need to attract her attention. To do this, you need to come up with a call, a banal one: “Girl, can I meet you?”, in half of the cases it won’t work, and if the girl is beautiful, and even smart, then it won’t work by 80%. After all, a smart woman needs something original, and a not-so-smart one too.

Finally, you came up with a non-standard entry, approach her, and there is a great chance that they will not want to get to know you anyway - maybe the girl already has a boyfriend and she remains faithful to him; maybe she just broke up with a guy and for her now “all men are goats”; maybe she just has PMS and hates the whole world; maybe she won't like your entry; maybe she won't like your outfit; maybe she hates blondes (or brunettes), guys with long hair (or short), blue-eyed (black-eyed), and you are just like that.

You approach the girl, trying to look confident and successful, although deep down you are not at all confident in yourself, or rather, in the reaction of the girl. Each rejection experienced in adolescence and youth (and sometimes at a more mature age) hurts male pride and undermines even reinforced concrete confidence. The male soul is very vulnerable in this regard, but girls do not know this and often inflict wounds just like that - for the sake of entertainment, and beautiful ones - also in order to test the strength of their feminine beauty - they say, how much he can withstand, for the sake of my unearthly beauty.

So, you come up, give out your prepared phrase and wait for an answer. And the girl is not in a hurry, she looks at you appraisingly (you hold on with all your might so as not to shrink, do not lower your eyes, but continue to demonstrate your confidence to her), and then, as if reluctantly, enters into a conversation (beautiful and smart cannot joyfully jump around the guy's neck or in some other way, but frankly letting him know that he liked him, female pride does not allow). You understand that this conversation can be interrupted at any moment and you will leave without salty slurping (sometimes accompanied by ridicule of the girl and her friends). Your nerves are tense, seconds count, during which you need to make the girl laugh or interest her in a serious conversation, and somehow arrange a meeting or take her phone number. If this succeeds, we can assume that the first round is yours. But how many more, such rounds - you need to choose the right time for the call, organize the first date correctly so that it does not turn out to be the last, etc. and so on. At the same time, a smart and beautiful girl will meticulously examine you and check how you match her, how suitable you are.

We are considering the feelings of a “good guy”, that is, a rather handsome, intelligent, relatively sensitive, who pays attention to the feelings and reactions of the girl and focuses on them, and does not rush ahead, despite the fact that he has already been told five times to rolled off and did not interfere with the girl.

What are the advantages in this situation for a terrible and / or fool?

Firstly, when meeting a guy, there is less internal tension. Like - it won’t work, I didn’t really want to. Secondly, if a girl is not very smart, then it is much easier for a guy to shock her with his own mind (the main thing is not to overdo it). Thirdly, if a girl is not very beautiful, then the number of visits (the first key phrases) she heard is less than a beautiful one, therefore it is easier to be original with her. Fourth, due to the lack of competition, the guy's chance of being accepted favorably is much higher. And finally, the last thing: girls who do not consider themselves smart and beautiful treat their boyfriends more carefully and more humanely, do not arrange tests (or arrange them infrequently) and appreciate their signs of attention, or at least notice, and accept them with gratitude.

Does this mean that the beautiful and smart are doomed to loneliness?

Far from it. If you are a beautiful girl, nature is on your side. Your own and masculine nature. Men cannot fail to notice a beautiful woman - this is unnatural. And it is extremely difficult for them to refrain from active actions (or from planning these active actions) in relation to her. As a rule, a guy, having seen a beautiful girl, drives away in his imagination the process of acquaintance and what may follow this acquaintance. Pictures can be different, including very fantastic ones. But there are 2-3 real options among them.

If a girl is not only beautiful, but smart, it will be smart of her to encourage and encourage the applicant. To do this, it is not at all necessary to get to know him yourself, jump on his neck or do some other overly active actions, showing that you like him. What comes too easily loses its value. But help is possible. To encourage an embarrassed guy (if he likes a girl, then deep down he is embarrassed for anyone), a friendly look and a half-smile during a conversation are enough.

And remember, beauty and intelligence are a gift of fate. You, by and large, have done nothing to be smart and beautiful. Therefore, there is nothing to be proud of here. But if your beauty and mind become the basis for a happy life, if you manage to use them in such a way as to meet a good guy, and in the future - create a good happy family with him, then here is a reason to be proud - not only of yourself, but also of your own. life partner, his family - may appear.

Use what fate has given you. And be happy!

18 comments to Why do good guys meet scary and stupid guys? While beautiful, smart girls are always lonely?

The intended scenario seems atypical to me:
>>> So, you come up, give out your prepared phrase
>>> and wait for a response. And the girl is in no hurry, she
>>> looks at you appraisingly

If we mean street acquaintance, then the girl's first reaction is almost always defensive. She does not expect every second that they will now get to know her like this directly. She is busy with her thoughts and the first frank male entry for her is a surprise.
Accordingly, in response, she is in a hurry to say something defensive, without even having time to appreciate the man.

Therefore, a beautiful and smart girl has a higher chance to answer “fit” and not scare the guy. Beautiful and smart, in general, they have a richer practice of male attacks, and the most predatory ones are constantly ready to start relationships. True, their first natural reaction is “go through the forest.”

But the ugly one will send the applicant with no less probability than the beautiful one. She's just not ready for someone to pay attention to her. And when this happens, it gets lost and gives out something defensive-aggressive in response.

Therefore, dating is better in situations where a woman is unaware of the "insidious plan." When the phrase is not prepared in advance.
- Does this elevator stop at all floors?
- Does this minibus go to Ikea?
- Have you tried these apples? Can they be taken?

An appeal that cannot be interpreted as an unequivocal attack is always easier to respond favorably. Women should be given a chance to respond in a friendly tone. And if they don’t take advantage of the chance, then it’s not fate ...

What you say is generally true. But this is know-how for men.
The question was asked by a girl. And the answer is addressed, respectively, to girls who are beautiful and smart (or consider themselves as such), who cannot get acquainted with good guys (for some reason, they prefer scary and stupid ones to them).
I just invited the girl to imagine herself in the place of the guy. To feel (at least a little) its complexity.

Hello! I absolutely agree with the comment about the difficulties of dating for guys. Acquaintance requires great courage, which not everyone has, and a fair amount of rhetoric.
I don’t agree with your message “why .. they meet with terrible ones”. So I recently broke up with a wonderful woman, with a touching attitude towards me. Everything is fine - but her imperfect figure does not excite me. She feels it and it's hard for me. And some pretty bastard - excites me and her well.
Here is such a dilemma.
It is easier for girls to find a couple, the more beautiful. You just need to be active, go hunting yourself.

peter,
"why ... meet scary" - this is not my message, this is one of the questions that girls often ask. Apparently, they have a reason for this.
But it often seems to girls that a good guy (handsome, smart, etc.) doesn't need to get acquainted with the one he likes. And they, girls, do not understand the difficulties that a man experiences when meeting. In the same way, you, being a man, do not imagine women's difficulties in the process of dating.
It seems to you that you just need to be active and go hunting yourself. Yes, if a girl needs prey, a winning trophy, then you are right - a beautiful girl just needs to go hunting. But if she does not need male scalps, but love? Do you think it, love, can be obtained on the hunt for guys?

Yes, sure. I don't see the difference between scalps and love. It all starts with scalps, if they do well, love will also arise
I dealt specifically with these issues. Approached at 80 (representative enough?) girls, very beautiful in my opinion. Most of them talked, but are married or have a friend who suits everything.
My premise is wrong. If she meets an ugly woman, she has a zest (in sex, 1st 2nd 3rd kind) (financially convenient - apartment, father-boss).

There is still a difference between hunting for scalps and the desire to meet your love. If the hunt is successful and the male scalp is obtained, then the goal is achieved and the man is no longer of interest to the female hunter. I won’t argue, it may happen that a woman hunter suddenly falls in love with her prey, makes out under the scalp the mind, character, soul, person, in a word. But - it may not happen, especially if a woman sets hunting as her goal.

For some reason, "smart and beautiful" - let's call them "blondes", as it is now customary to call girls blinded by their beauty, but not by intelligence, envy of rivals seems to be less beautiful, but where did they get that they are fools or some kind of not such - they have complete order with their brains, physiology and other virtues! Maybe even of a higher order than the "blondes"! And the "blondes" do not have enough brains to understand that something is really wrong with them!
And here it is necessary to deal with each individually, what, why and how! There are many nuances that do not allow them to seem to be beautiful and successful one hundred percent!
But you shouldn’t complex about this - you need to think over your situation, conduct a brainstorming session, an in-depth analysis that will allow you to change the style of clothing, demeanor, communication style, be more attentive and sensitive to the representatives of the stronger sex and possibly change your life radically!
So roll up your sleeves, work on yourself and get the result! And be happy!
Good luck and love!

In fact, I completely agree with you.

But here's what I'm wondering:
Why are the men of Russia, citizens of a country where there are a huge number of natural blondes (blond and light blond hair color is typical for the northern and eastern Slavs) and where women, including blondes, have long proved that the ability to think does not depend on from the length or color of the hair, they obediently repeat after America, where natural blondes are a relative rarity, where women until the 50-60s of the twentieth century were mostly housewives, where the manifestation of the female mind was not welcomed for a very long time and where a certain stereotype was formed thanks to Hollywood films - why do Russian men repeat America's stupidity?

I would be very grateful to someone who will explain this very surprising phenomenon for me.

In general, I hate jokes about blondes (and I think they are sheer stupidity), the feeling that they were invented by brunettes, and men like to joke about women, so they supported me. It is especially surprising that some kind of pseudoscientific nonsense in the yellow press.

No, brunettes hardly had anything to do with jokes about blondes. At least in Russia, they certainly didn't.
The opposition "brunette - blonde" is a pronounced Americanism, they have few blondes and therefore they are considered special. They are forgiven a lot, including stupidity. Moreover, for some reason, bitchiness is also attributed to American blondes (apparently due to their peculiarity and unearthly beauty). Look at American films of recent decades: where blondes and brunettes (brown-haired women) are opposed, the blonde is necessarily a cunning liar, greedy for money, arrogant and not very smart, and the brunette (brown-haired woman) is modest, kind, good and, of course, smarter than bad blonde.
But we have a completely different mentality: in Russian (and indeed in almost all Slavic) fairy tales, a fair-haired girl is kind, simple, honest, modest, good, in a word, and a black-haired girl is harmful and evil. Both can be equally smart. In general, in Russia, hair color is traditionally not perceived as an indicator of the mind. And men in Russia traditionally like to joke about women in general and in particular - about their mind, regardless of the color of women's hair.

Scary girls really have all the benefits listed. And most importantly, they allow guys to behave passively. Sometimes it’s enough just to look at a scary girl, and then everything happens by itself.

Selena? I do not know what to do. After all, this topic is 100% about me. I appeal to you because you understand men of this type more than anyone else. I'm already 31, and I'm still trying to hope that some beautiful predator will notice me, because I myself can’t and don’t know how to get acquainted. In addition, I am terribly worried (In this regard, I am very shy). From here all thoughts are scattered. I would like to know how to start a dialogue with the girl you like. I don’t even know what to ask her about, or what to say to her so that she can win me over, that is, she made it clear that she was not against dating. And rightly so, it all depends on the circumstances. Even if you like it, she will kick you off, for good reason. Then how to talk to her so as not to scare and get information from her, let's say about her "bachelor" position. I myself am not very sociable and this is my minus. How to learn to talk with girls, what to start a conversation about first of all? How to get rid of cowardice, fear of beauty? How not to be afraid?

Ernest,
be afraid of your desires - because they can be fulfilled.
It seems to me that you do not quite imagine what a female predator is and how a man feels when he has been in her paws. Believe me, if your wish comes true and some beautiful predator notices you, you will be much worse than now. Now you are reaching out to women, but you are shy. If you are in the clutches of a predator, you will begin to hate and fear women. Now you have a huge potential, an unused reserve of feelings, which, under favorable circumstances, will flourish. After the predator, you will be empty and painful inside. Do you need it?
If you still need to, then it is not very difficult to become the prey of a predator: it is enough to have what she, the predator, wants to take (or break) from you. The vast majority of predators peck at material goods (everyone has different appetites, as you yourself understand), some love to destroy happy marriages (while you don’t have it - consider that you are insured against this type of predators), there are those who love to break principles, someone sleeps and sees how to make a slave out of a person endowed with a certain power, etc. If you want to become the prey of a predator, earn money and become some kind of boss and do not be very accessible - women of the corresponding breed will immediately start spinning around you. But, it seems to me, it is unlikely that this will be something worth dreaming about.

If we leave aside the predators, then the problem you are talking about is quite solvable.
Try to start by learning to contact the opposite sex just like that, without any ulterior motives and far-reaching plans. After all, it is these thoughts that are the starting point for excitement and embarrassment. You see a girl, you like her, you want to strike up a conversation with her now in order to get to know each other better in the future, you think what to say so as not to break this prospect - that's all, scattered thoughts ... Your embarrassment develops approximately according to this scenario? Try to stop this process.
You see a girl, you like her. Stop. What is she doing? Going down the subway in high heels? There is a chance that she will slip, or twist her leg, or get her heel stuck in the bars, or she will be slammed by the door, or she will be pushed on the escalator. Get close. Catch on the fly, help pull out the heel, open the door, shield your chest from the pushing fellow citizens - help, in a word. And ... leave, smiling at her goodbye. Not getting to know.
If you saw her in a cafe, move a chair for her, pick up a fallen lighter, call the waiter - but you never know how you can help. And, most importantly, do not get to know each other, do not set this as a goal for yourself, just help, smile - that's all.
Do this regularly, preferably every day and at every opportunity - you will have many such cases, because there are so many beautiful girls around. You can, however, help and not only beautiful.
After some time, these "knightly exercises" will bear fruit - you will no longer be embarrassed at the mere thought that you need to make contact with a girl that you like something. You will absolutely calmly (with pleasure) perceive daily new contacts with pretty girls who will smile benevolently at you.
Girls are not spoiled by the chivalry and gentlemanly behavior of men and, as a rule, know how to appreciate it - especially if you do not ask for a phone number. (If some suddenly do not appreciate it, then something is wrong with her, consider that you liked her by mistake).
Perhaps during one of your "chivalrous exercises" a conversation will start up by itself. Even if at this moment you are suddenly embarrassed, you can quite sincerely admit that you are embarrassed when such a beautiful girl speaks to you. This is one of the pick-up tricks, but in your case it will be true - and therefore, most likely, it will have a positive effect on the girl.
What else is good about “knightly exercises” is that during training (without dating), you will learn to concentrate not on your thoughts and feelings, but on what the girl thinks and does. If you carefully observe those many girls (with whom you contact by helping them), you will learn to capture their mood and even anticipate actions, and then words.
You will see how easy it really is to get to know them and talk to them. And you don’t need to come up with anything special in advance - everything will come up by itself, in the course of the conversation. And even if you suddenly say something wrong, your words will not destroy anything - just laugh at them together. And yet, perhaps, you will laugh at how you once wanted to become the prey of a female predator.

The topic title itself contains the answer. Nature is fair: mind, talent, beauty and happiness do not go in the same harness, and a woman who believes that since she is “smart and beautiful”, and there are “terrible fools” around, can continue to sit on her wonderful fifth point and wait for her "good" ... only happiness does not depend on conceit ..

I'm one of the good guys. By itself, physically complex, tall, regular features. Character - serious, with a sense of humor. My girlfriend is a head and a half shorter than me, not a beauty, but I like her. Passers-by girls look with anger:). So why did I choose her? Everything is simple. The fact is that the "beauties" have very high demands in all manifestations. Moreover, they don’t need a good guy, no matter how they deny it. They need a Bad Boy. She will not look at a good bespectacled man. How warm, tall, cheeky brunette. That's the kind of good they need. I know what I'm talking about. Appearances are deceiving, words are deceiving. As a rule, such impudent cool "men" eventually show their nature and it is not very pleasant for the girl. And it starts - "I thought he was good." yeah, and the bespectacled man who was sitting next to him was bad ... Mind? Talent? I know from experience that a guy's mind can be masked by some kind of trinket, for example, a car that his parents bought him. And the same bespectacled man who saves up for her and works will be on the sidelines. Enough fairy tales here. Girls of “beauty” choose for yourself normal guys, NORMAL, so that later you don’t cry all your life that he was once good, and now he is a goat. They need a good and smart one .. Yeah, yeah, I believe ... Don't tell me

Hello Kira.

You apparently got burned on the "beauties" a couple of times (or more) and now you are treating them all with the same brush.
If you are so sure that “beauties” in FIG do not need a good guy, but need a bad one, then your call to them sounds rather strange - beautiful girls, choose normal guys for yourself.
And how do you offer them to choose such guys if, just like you (you are normal, as I understand it), they will think: “Yeah, yeah, I believed it” - and meet with ugly women because of the guaranteed low demands of the latter?
It somehow turns out illogical, don't you think?

Ha ha ha ha, Selena. It's a pity that only now I found this topic :-) My tenderness has no end, how beautifully written :-)

• Wellcome, Scardy Cat.
  The theme is waiting for you :-)

Very often we see couples on the streets in which the guy obviously wins in appearance. We constantly wonder why such a handsome man chose a completely ordinary girl as an ally. We asked a psychologist to comment on this phenomenon and explain what lies behind it.

Why do men choose women who are inferior to them in attractiveness?

Each example must be considered from several angles. If it seems to others that a woman is objectively not as beautiful as her man, then a man, on the contrary, may perceive her as an extraordinary beauty and goddess, be proud of her and assume that everyone envy him and turn his neck when he walks next to her.

Often a man's choice can be related to his personal image of an attractive woman, which stems from childhood, with his ideas about his mother, who, for example, was a short, full brunette with freckles. Therefore, a man is looking for a woman who outwardly resembles his mother.

Women are much more likely to marry than men, since the stronger sex is guided, as a rule, by the psycho-emotional background that is created when communicating with one or another representative of the weaker sex.

There is an intimate aspect, love, friendship and mutual understanding. A woman forms the core of the family, so a man will carefully choose her so that his lady is like his mother, also according to his personal feelings.
A man is tied to vivid emotions, he will prefer a cold beauty, a snow queen who is not very pretty, bright and with a twinkle, because with her, on the one hand, he will feel like a perky boy, and on the other hand, he feels comfortable, free, full-fledged personality .

Why do girls complex next to an attractive and successful man?

Complexes of girls come from childhood. Most likely, the woman was brought up incorrectly by her parents, especially by her mother, therefore, in the process of growing up, complexes were formed about the hump of the nose or short legs.

How to deal with insecurity?

The main thing in the attractiveness of a woman is how she feels and, accordingly, broadcasts to others. It happens that a woman is extremely attractive, but because of her complexes she will feel insecure, this will be reflected in her walk and look, therefore people will perceive her as less sexy, since all this comes from the subconscious.

There is a great practice: if you come to any event, be it a conference or a disco, and you feel insecure, as if everyone around is above your level, just put on a mask and play the role of a woman of their circle, attractive or successful enough. It will be easy because all women are actresses inside.

If a woman is embarrassed by the feeling that she is worse than a man, she needs to work on personal growth, go to a psychologist, work with attitudes, take a course, delve into childhood, deal with stereotypes, since we have been taught to compare ourselves with someone, this is necessary refuse. It is not easy and not a one day decision.
Every time you see in the mirror that you are fat or that your hair is not thick enough, every part of the body should be told that it is sexy and that you like it. You like yourself. It is important to control your thoughts, to tell yourself: "I am gorgeous, I am irresistible, I love myself."

This will be broadcast to others. There is a galaxy of conscious women, working on themselves, feeling beautiful and wealthy - such women are always surrounded by men, and it is no longer men who choose them, but they choose men. You need to develop, set goals for yourself and go to them.
Beauty is education, success and self-confidence, and not just appearance, we are not animals. And a man will be with you not because you are outwardly beautiful, but because you give him faith in yourself.

And how can you give it if you don't even believe in yourself? If you take yourself seriously, a pitfall may appear in your life: your man may leave.

In general, our behavior in relation to the beautiful and the ugly largely depends on our internal state. A group of men were asked to answer a questionnaire and then reported the results. Some were told that they had done an excellent job, while others were told that more was expected of them. The information - this was part of the task of the experiment - could also be biased, it was important that one part of the subjects formed an overestimated self-esteem (they were praised), the other - an underestimated one. After that, the subjects, accompanied by the experimenter, went to the canteen, where the experimenter supposedly met the girl by chance, introduced the subject to her, and, suddenly remembering an important matter, left them alone. In fact, the girl helped the experimenters and played her part.

More precisely, even two "roles". One she was very pretty, dressed to the face, with a beautiful hairstyle, optimistic. Then she changed clothes and went out dressed casually, with unsuccessfully applied makeup, awkward. Actually, the girl was very pretty. Observing the metamorphoses of her appearance, one of the authors of the experiment noted that if only the Lord God can create beauty, then everyone can deprive himself of attractiveness.

But those who participated in the experiment did not know this. And after talking with the girl, measurements of the sympathy of men for their interlocutor were carried out. The impression she made on them was not the same.

Those who were sure that they did an excellent job with the task were happy to meet the “beautiful” girl, the same girl, unsuccessfully painted, awkward, poorly dressed - in a word, “ugly”, they did not like. It would seem that, logically, it should be so. But at the same time, it turned out that those who had low self-esteem (thought that they had not coped with the task) liked the “ugly” one more. Obviously, subconsciously a person with low self-esteem is afraid of failing when they meet, afraid of being rejected from the very first minute.

But in life it is important for us to be chosen! And they choose, as we know, not always the most beautiful, and this happens not so rarely.

Here is the letter received by the editor of the central newspaper:

“Since childhood, I heard that I am beautiful. This was said by parents, their friends, random people said. Everyone noted that I have expressive eyes, regular, “pedigreed” facial features. At school, at matinees, I used to play fairies and queens from fairy tales. I didn’t have too many friends, I had one friend for all ten school years. After school, she moved to another city, got married, and has two children. A friend told me that I was too serious, that my classmates were afraid of me. I didn't listen to her, but now I think that she was probably right. They still tell me that I am beautiful, at least interesting, and I am still single, although I will soon be 25 years old. I graduated from a technical school, I work in an atelier as a cutter, I sew myself, and they say I dress with taste. But everyone around has their own life, people of very different appearances, but I don’t. We have a female team, men only come to see what kind of dress they sewed for their wife. I find it impossible to meet on the street. Family people also come to rest homes, and you won’t go to a disco anymore - the age is not the same. Tell me, maybe I’m wrong about something, but I don’t understand why everything in my life develops like this, or rather, it doesn’t add up. Tatiana".

The case, it would seem, is paradoxical: the girl complains that she is unlucky in her personal life, that no one notices her, although, by all accounts, she is not deprived of her appearance. But do not rush to be surprised, remember, have you yourself never encountered similar situations?

Imagine the same dances. It is simply a sin for psychologists not to use such a natural situation to analyze the problem of choice. At dances, the “alignment of forces” is known: some of the young men stand in the corner, pretending that they are deeply indifferent to what is happening here, several couples are dancing, and some of the girls are standing against the wall. Not because, as the song says, "for ten girls, according to statistics, there are nine guys." Statistics just do not confirm such an account. The fact is that some young people will always shirk their duties at dances and will never invite anyone. Not because dancing seems to them an unworthy occupation - many do not leave their "boyish" corner from secret fear, from shyness, awareness of their awkwardness, outdatedness, fear of being ridiculed. Uncertainty in their own merits often makes their behavior defiant, emphatically independent, the fear of showing their fear is hidden under a mocking facial expression, thoughtful remarks about the dancers, and so on. Therefore, in order for all girls to have “cavaliers”, an unequal gender ratio at dances is needed - it is necessary that there be slightly more men.

But while this is not the case, some will have to stand against the wall. In general, standing against the wall is not the most pleasant experience. Here, at the dance, we are faced with, perhaps, a unique situation when a man can openly examine a woman. And not just to consider - to compare it with a neighbor, thinking who it is better to invite. In general, if the choice fell on you, you can still forgive such indiscretion. And if you chose a neighbor?

Now let's see who is standing at the wall. Of course, there are girls here who are not too beautiful, unfashionably dressed, sloppy and badly made up. But for sure among them we will find some very nice ones. Prettier even than those who dance. It is clear that it is doubly unpleasant for them to stand against the wall.

Why aren't they chosen?

To do this, let's look at the situation through the eyes of not the one at the wall, look through the eyes of a young man. He clearly understands that the strength of his position is not permanent. Yes, while he stands alone in the corner and thinks who to choose, he is the master of the situation. He wants to invite this one, he wants that one. But as soon as he leaves his corner and makes a choice, no matter in what form, by shaking his hand, bowing or simply nodding, the situation changes dramatically. He said that he likes her, but she hasn't answered yet! And it is not known what the answer will be. She can now take revenge on him. For standing by the wall for a long time while he made up his mind. For the fact that not the one she was waiting for came up. Because she is in a bad mood today - are there any reasons in the world why you sometimes want to unleash evil on another?

The first thing a girl can do now is to refuse. This is already a serious insult: dancing at all times symbolizes the relationship of the sexes, and if you were refused a dance, it means that you are underestimated as a man. And not just underestimate - they do it in front of everyone so that everyone can see your failure!

But, even without refusing, the girl can behave in such a way that the deplorable situation of the young man becomes obvious to everyone. She can dance with a bored look. He can condescendingly look at his partner - with every movement he seems to demonstrate a frivolous, disrespectful attitude towards him - so that it can be seen by others, in particular those who did not dare, who remained in the corner and are now watching the unlucky gentleman with interest.

Thus, the chosen woman immediately gains high power over her partner. It can not only please, it can both offend and bring pain. From this, often the choice unconsciously stops not so much on one that can be boasted, but on one that does not offend.

Maybe such a "safety" and the reason for the loneliness of other pretty girls at dances? Maybe in their faces, in their eyes, young people see something frightening, unfriendly? Maybe they anticipate the complexity of communication, arrogance? Modern dances, where it is not necessary to dance in pairs and there is almost no traditional ritual of “inviting a lady”, open up wide opportunities for communication. Here, everyone is free to join the dance at any moment, to show themselves, and in such a situation, it is not so much external data that is more important than plasticity and a sense of rhythm, artistry. Naturally, in today's discos there are young people of both sexes who are not very successful, stand aside from the center of disco life. And, if you look closely, it also turns out that among the "outsiders", as during ordinary dances, there are both ugly and quite attractive people. The mystery of their loneliness lies elsewhere. In what?

Recall a situation in which many of us find ourselves more than once: you need to ask for directions in an unfamiliar area. Do we rush to every passerby on a crowded street? No, at first we stare intensely at the faces, trying to guess - who will be friendly with us, tell us in detail. And although it is a trifling matter, we spend time on this, trying to predict the behavior of a stranger. Some we will never get to. Even if it is clear that they live in this area and know everything. Unclear?

In holiday villages, you can often see signs on the fences “Caution, angry dog” - so as not to disturb the owners. Here is something similar we read on some faces. And we clearly understand what awaits us, if we dare to stop such a person on the way to the metro. Such people are rarely disturbed by trifling requests: to change two kopecks, to tell where the post office or the store is nearby.

It may seem that their inaccessibility is not so bad. Let those who are convinced of this remain their own. It seems to us that such a “tablet” on the face greatly limits life: they won’t approach you once again - and you lose the chance to get to know each other. You never know what a minute acquaintance will result in. Maybe by losing it, you lose a lot. In addition, if you are not approached with little things, you are unlikely to be approached for a serious matter. Anyway, the sad story of a pretty girl with whom no one wants to dance is just that. So watch yourself - if you are rarely approached with a request to explain the way and borrow two kopecks, you should probably follow the expression on your face!

So, as you can see, beauty does not guarantee success in our relationships with people. In general, exceptional beauty is not at all necessary for success in communication. Not necessarily the most beautiful woman in the group is the most popular with men - this has been shown by numerous experiments, and not necessarily the most popular man - the first handsome man.

The Department of Social Psychology of Moscow State University recently conducted a study trying to determine whether there is a connection between the external data of the spouses and the stability of the family. No such patterns were found. In family relationships, beautiful people are lucky or unlucky in the same way as people of ordinary appearance.

Being beautiful in a number of cases is generally bad: they do not forgive him, for example, a misconduct that he is not able to justify. They do not forgive when they suspect the use of personal charm for personal gain. From a beautiful woman, an insult to a man is greater, for this she also gets it. If the common stereotype, as we have already said, claims that beautiful means good, another equally tenacious stamp declares: “very beautiful means bad.” It is just as unfair as to attribute non-existent virtues to a beautiful person, and the readiness to consider a very beautiful person evil, selfish, insensitive, arrogant. And this is without any foundation, following an opinion that had once unwittingly formed, perhaps since the creation of the myth of Narcissus, exhausted by love for his own reflection in the waters of the river.

Yes, beautiful people are more often "lucky" with a short acquaintance, when a relationship arises. With prolonged contact, appearance fades into the background, appearance does not give guarantees for success in love, friendship.

By the way, even with a superficial acquaintance, we tend to choose not so much the most beautiful, but those who are as beautiful as we are. A group of researchers watched the visitors of one bar for a long time, assessing the appearance of boys and girls, as well as satisfaction with communication in each pair. It turned out that the vast majority of couples, the most stable, consisted of young people and girls whose "marks" in terms of beauty were close. Of course, this does not mean that each of them thought: yeah, I'm beautiful, which means that my companion should be better than others, or vice versa. The choice of partners close in beauty occurs subconsciously, we do not even suspect about it!

What do we gain by assimilating modern data on the influence of beauty on our lives? What lesson, summing up the chapter, will we take out of the conversation ourselves, what will we bring to children, students?

Not so little. First, scientific evidence convinces us that appearance is not everything in life. After all, sometimes it may seem that the reason for our failures lies in external shortcomings, and if appearance cannot be blamed, then no one is to blame for failures, they are fatal, and all that remains is to complain about fate, an unfortunate combination of genes, in which the whole trouble. Such a position, as shown by the results of experiments, is both incorrect and harmful. She, as it were, initially assigns the role of a victim to the ugly, removes responsibility for her actions.

Knowledge of the objective laws of perception becomes a serious power in our hands. We know that not quite good appearance can complicate life a little, but not so much that it is worth giving up. Everything is important in our own destiny, all important events, the development of relations are the work of our own efforts. And if something did not work out in fate, it is still not the blind forces of nature that should be blamed, but oneself.

But since I myself have spoiled something in my life, it is in my power to correct the situation! It is very important to understand that all successes are the result of labor, tension of feelings and mind, and not a game of chance.

And further. We rarely complain about being too beautiful. Usually we are haunted by the flaws in our own appearance. But when it comes to choice, it’s worth knowing that even the ugliest in the group, no matter how much research is done, is always chosen at least once. There will always be someone who considers the ugliest the best.

In fact, everyone has their own chance. The point is how not to miss it, how to use it. And here everything is decided not at all by appearance, but by intelligence, fantasy, humor - our personal creativity.