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« And you yourself should not distinguish defeat from victory.

But he must not deviate a single slice from the face,

and to be alive, alive and only, alive - and to the end.

B.Pasternak

What is “self-esteem” and how does it manifest itself?

1. Self-esteem is, first of all, an adequate definition of one's own value. A man knows his own worth, that is, he has a healthy self-esteem. He seeks to be, not to seem. He knows what he can and cannot do, who he is and who he is not. Therefore, he is equally inclined neither to arrogance and pride, nor to fawning and servility.

2. A man with self-esteem does not need to prove something to anyone, seek approval, assert himself, it is impossible to offend him. He will gratefully listen to people's opinions if he finds this information useful.

3. Self-esteem is expressed not in narcissism, but in self-respect, self-acceptance, faith in oneself, a sense of the right to a decent life and readiness to defend one's interests. At the same time, the man does not consider the observance of his benefits to be something low. For him, this is a way to provide himself and his loved ones with everything they need. The main thing is that the observance of the benefit does not infringe on anyone's interests and does not drop his personal dignity. And the ability to calculate all possible options for the development of any of his ideas, no matter what it is directed to, a man understands as a necessary skill that allows him to be an effective winner.

4. A man does not drop his dignity. What does it mean? First of all, this means that in any situation he maintains his composure. For him, the state of a cold mind, sober calculation and a warm heart is natural. In addition, he knows that he is not a superhuman, and it is quite possible for him to do stupid things and even serious mistakes. He knows that this will not stop him from wearing the title of Man. And what can drop a deep knowledge of this dignity?

5. A man with a developed sense of self-worth does not humiliate anyone and does not humiliate himself in front of anyone. Comparing anyone with anyone, humiliating or praising is an empty occupation, unworthy of a Man. Self-esteem is self-respect based on equality. He who wishes to preserve his own dignity must be careful not to hurt the dignity of others.

6. In a situation of collision with the interests of other people, the Man is calm and firm. He distinguishes fundamental, vital issues from unprincipled ones. His self-esteem will not allow him to give in on vital issues or be petty where you can give the initiative with a light soul (he has the whole world; why waste time on trifles?)

How to develop self-esteem?

Self-esteem is a direct consequence of the attitude towards oneself. How you feel about yourself is how you feel about yourself. Therefore, the prerequisites for the development of self-esteem are:

• knowledge, consideration of their strengths and the ability to appreciate them
• calm acceptance of one's imperfection against the background of the desire for self-development
• collecting your small and big achievements to build self-esteem
• the desire to conform only to their internal guidelines, and not to the opinions of other people
• ability to support and praise oneself
• instead of self-criticism and self-accusation - calm conclusions and tasks
• refusal to compare yourself with others and the desire to "be yourself"

During the preparation of this material, I came across a short verse, which is called: "Self-esteem" B.Sh. Okudzhava, a truly worthy man who lived a very worthy life. For me personally, these 16 lines are much deeper than everything that I wrote above. I hope you understand, or rather, feel ...:

“Self-esteem is a mysterious tool:
It is created for centuries, and is lost at the moment
Whether under the accordion, under the bombing, under the beautiful chatter,
Dried up, destroyed, crushed at the root.

Self-respect is the mysterious path
on which it is easy to break, but you can’t turn back,
because without delay, inspirational, pure, alive,
dissolve, your human image will turn into dust.

Self-esteem is just a portrait of love.
I love you, my comrades - pain and tenderness in my blood.
No matter what darkness and evil prophesied, nothing but this
humanity did not invent for its own salvation.

So do not waste, brother, do not turn off, spit on the absurd fuss -
You will lose your divine face, primordial beauty.
Well, why risk so much in vain? Aren't there enough other worries?
Get up, go, soldier, only straight ahead, only forward.

What does it mean to "behave decently"? The word "dignity" suggests that a person is worthy of something. Here they say: “A coin worth two lats” ... From the word “cost” - “dignity”. What do you deserve? Worthy of doing nothing herself - that's what she deserves. A sense of dignity is when a woman is absolutely calm, she knows that she does not need to make any special efforts. Because: "I was born at the highest level, I'm worthy, I'm a girl."

A sense of dignity is manifested in what it is - respectful of one's desires - in! And you, women, what is it called? Be respectful of your desires. On the letter E three times ... Tell me, what is his name? E - ta-ra-ra-ra-ra-there! GO - ta-ra-ra-ra-ra-there! ISM - ta-ra-ra-ra-ra-there! E-ism! “I am selfish, how can I have my desires? Why should I have my own desires? Ugh! Wishes! Ah, this is a close person, this person treats me like that! I shouldn't at all! My husband, he generally works so hard. What desires? I must be silent about my desires!”

Respect your desires, have self-respect! You have the right to have your desires fulfilled - just like the desires of a man! Do you know how a man and a woman living in the same family are most similar? Desire for what? They have one common desire - super, you are already very close. What do they both want? They have one common desire: to make a man happy. They are just like a monolith in this. They are united in this desire into one simple whole. Into one whole - how to make a man happy? "How to make a man happy?" - and he and she think - "How to make a man happy?"

So the feeling of dignity is when you sometimes think about women, how to make a woman happy. Even if the man does not think about it. A sense of dignity is to give yourself the right to your desires, beliefs, preferences. And this is most often - this principle - is violated at the very beginning of a relationship, a woman gets used to being "in third positions". At first she is in second positions, because "you need to make your loved one happy." He wants sex - you have sex, he wants this - we will do this, he wants this - this. I decided to buy a plasma for myself, although we, in general, have not been repaired, well, let him hang the plasma, let him watch it. All the time she makes concessions. There was a question at the last lecture: who should yield to whom? Now it is clear who should yield to whom? You have to give in to yourself, in your desires in the first place. That's who a woman should give in to in the first place - to give in to herself first. Allow yourself to want your desires.

The next manifestation - "others want to take care of me - such an idea for a woman, can you imagine? “Everyone around me wants to take care of me - I’m a woman, but what about. A true lady thinks so, she always thinks, at 85 she thinks that everyone wants to take care of me, she seems to be 50, she thinks at 30, she thinks at 10 and at 5 she thinks that everyone wants to take care of me. And who does not want - it's just "not all." This is a misunderstanding, harmless - they still want it anyway. What's the difference - if everyone wants, two or three do not want, just think ... Now I will meet those who want: friends, acquaintances, relatives. This is what distinguishes a self-sufficient woman, a worthy woman from a self-confident woman. Self-confident means that she will do everything in her life herself. “I know men, they need it like this, and like this, and like that, and like that, and it’s yours, like silk,” I sometimes hear, mothers instruct their daughters or their nieces. “Daughter, you know how it is with them, you need to like this, you need to hold it in your hands so that it doesn’t squeak at all. I explained everything to you." Right now! Not very good at holding things. Or there is nothing left of the man. You can hold it, but then you look - some kind of strange form of life has turned out.

A woman in her dignity should know that she is worthy of meeting worthy men all the time. Even when help is needed or something happened to her car, she will find a worthy person. Moreover, she will find a worthy person as her life partner. Therefore, she always relies on support. A confident woman, she doesn't need support, she never turns to anyone, she always has a plan and she always knows how to do everything. She has everything under control. And that means she has no sense of dignity. That's all.

Manhood is expressed in the fact that "I myself", well, as it were, "I must myself, I am a man." And feminine dignity - this means “I owe me” - “I am a woman, I owe me, why was I born here at all? To take care of me and fulfill my desires ”What else did you think of female nature? Well, come up with a counter-version for me. What are your versions? I put forward this version. A woman is born so that her desires are fulfilled, her goals are achieved by someone, so that she can achieve goals with the help of someone. Such is Knowledge. If you have other goals, we will have nothing to do, men. That's all. A man is born to help a woman fulfill her desires, achieve her goals. With joy.

The dignity of a woman is that she tries to take care of herself, and she believes that she deserves to be beautiful, take care of herself, be attractive. But not somehow catchy - the Vedic system, it is very restrained, chaste and as it ages, a woman should be more correct, that is, there should not be any extreme elements in appearance. But to be neat, to be smart - like a woman, in accordance with age - is the duty of a woman. This is a duty. You have to take care of yourself. It's not the way to scream for help in this way. It's not a way - it's a bad way. Nobody will come to the rescue. Therefore, if you did not like this hairstyle - no one paid attention to me - let's try this one. If so, let's try this. If this person is OK, try this one. If the relationship with this person did not work out, the next one. Next.

Do you know the principle of a woman who has a high self-esteem: “Every man is good for starting a relationship, good; I don’t know what my closest person on Earth looks like - I don’t know, I can draw something, but most likely this is the wrong picture, so every man is good who has not proven otherwise. All. “If he has not proven otherwise, everyone is good” - this is the dignity. And if the relationship did not work out, she is not offended - she builds new relationships with dignity. And now it’s more unmistakable, because the first time she might not have watched something and didn’t look closely. I realized: this, I don’t need this, I immediately recognize this - build relationships, feel worthy. No problem. “Many men can look after me - I deserve it. I am worthy not to enter into close relations with any of them. I deserve it, this is my desire, my principle. I am worthy to talk about my desires, my principles.”

If a woman continues to communicate with someone who does not respect her, her self-esteem drops. Because in the psyche of children and women there is one mechanism, a very good one, this is what makes them the most wonderful creatures on Earth - both of them: “I don’t want to judge myself, especially about myself. I judge myself the way the people around me treat me. If they treat me well, then I'm good. If it's bad, then I'm bad." All. But this is a trap. Before you find a person who would appreciate you, the closest person, you need to form your own value system or your environment, people who would treat you with dignity and respect. It is very dangerous to make your self-esteem dependent on how men treat you. Just like a man - to put his self-esteem in dependence on how women treat him. It is very dangerous, it can be destructive. So she just stops talking to him. And she has no fear, she knows that she deserves a better relationship. So, somewhere these relations exist.

Easily seeks help - this is another sign of the dignity of a woman. Does not try to please a man by sacrificing himself. Need comments? Not needed. Because that's all we do. Mostly. And even already forgotten. Anesthesia is so much already - you know, when to hit one place if, it begins to lose sensitivity to pain. In many sports practices, martial arts are so severe, while in Thai boxing it is a must, a must - until everything there becomes numb and stale. Women sacrificing, sacrificing themselves, they begin ... There it is necessary, it is necessary here. I need to go to Kostroma to my sister - it’s hard for her there too. The nephew must, probably, be taken to his sister, because the sister's place is generally bad. It's like a drug: the worse it feels, the more it takes on itself. This is crazy - such a female Thai boxing is called. To beat until then, until I am simply dumbfounded by pain - and it will no longer hurt, super. And I don’t need anything, but what are you talking about. Why your seminar? What seminar? Do you know how old I am? For what? Everything passed. You know that in general I carry my cross, and leave me alone. Therefore, it is a dangerous sacrifice.

Another thing that attracts a man very much - as a man can say for sure - is the mood of a woman that she behaves as if she is the most interesting person on Earth. And indeed, it is very interesting with her. If a woman reveals her nature, such as she has from birth, she can reveal it, she is not afraid, the man is “stunned”, says: “What is this, where are you from? What planet are you from?" He looks like that - listens and looks - everything seems to be the same, looks. And thoughts - “I wouldn’t look at it from such a point of view at all.” It was a revelation for him - he ran to his office to write something down. "Eureka!" he has, you know? He wonders: “How is it? Really! I thought they were just like us!” It is very interesting. But first you have to believe yourself that you are interesting. That is the dignity of a woman: to be sure that I am very interesting.

There is a saying: "We are bored with those who are bored with us." We are bored with those people who are bored with us. You will be bored with those men who are bored with you. And what kind of men are bored with you? When are they bored with you? Then, when you think that there is nothing to talk about with you. What do you know about what to talk to you about? Well, men, they have their own sky-high distances, their own philosophies, their own discussions, sports, politics. And I don't know anything about it. Many girls write to us, and women even ask us this question: what to talk about on a date? In general - what to talk about with a man? Except about bills, about a kindergarten, where it is necessary - to a new one - to transfer a child, or there about a school. What to talk about? You can not talk about anything - just be interesting. Concentrate on this mantra: “I am very interesting. I'm so interesting. It even became interesting to me - how interesting I am. And she walks all a little all like that - you need to talk to her. All women are ordinary - one is somehow interesting. He does not know that even to herself she is interesting.

Three qualities of a woman that inspire a man the most:

1. sense of dignity
2. Insight(sensitivity) - the ability to subtly feel what is happening in the soul of another person (and first - what is in your own), to find a balance between your experiences and the experiences of another person
3. Favor- you tend to give and receive good (attention and courtesy).

Dignity.

A woman deserves nothing to do herself. Because she is already initially at the seventh level from birth. Knowing that I am worthy of wings since birth. It's up to me on the 7th floor they have to climb, and not I have to go down.

Signs of merit:

. respect your wishes:

As a rule, a man and a woman in the same family have one common desire - to make a man happy. Usually this mistake is at the stage of the beginning of a relationship. Dignity means thinking about how to make a woman happy. Give yourself the right to your desires, beliefs, preferences. And if we talk about the question “who should give way to whom first”, a woman must first give in to herself - to want her desires.

. feeling “everyone around me wants to take care of me”:

A woman deserves to meet always worthy men. A worthy woman always relies on support. Self-confident does not need support, because she always has a plan, she can do everything herself.

Feminine dignity - I owe, male - myself. A woman is born to have her desires and goals achieved by someone. A man - to help a woman achieve her desires and goals (or hers together with her, if they are kindred spirits).

A friend told me a story about how her battery ran out at customs, and it was with this feeling (“others want to take care of me, and that they haven’t taken care of me yet is just an accident”) stood near the car. As a result, very quickly, out of nowhere, a man came from, who organized a flurry of activity around her car, found the wires for lighting, and did everything!

Woman does not consider himself perfect, so he tries different ways to achieve what he wants with joy(not this man - it means different, this hairstyle does not attract - it means different, etc.)

When a woman stops caring for herself, it's like a cry for help - I feel bad! But a man is attracted not by the tragedy of a woman, but by the chance to make her happy. A woman deserves to take care of herself, to be beautiful, attractive, dressed up like a woman, according to her age.

. If a man does not show respect for her, she stops communicating with him.

If a woman continues to communicate with someone who does not respect her, her self-esteem drops. In the psyche of children there is such a mechanism - I judge myself the way people around me treat me. But before you find a loved one, you need to find your social circle, which respects the woman.

. easily ask for help

.does not try to please a man by sacrificing himself.

A woman, constantly sacrificing herself, stops seeing it - it becomes like a drug, the worse it gets, the more she takes on herself.

Such mood of a woman, as if she is the most interesting person on earth.

Men love this. But first you have to believe yourself that I'm interesting. “We are bored with those people who are bored with you”

A sense of dignity is associated with chitota and faith in the divine protection of a woman.. When dignity falls, the belief that someone cares about me also falls, and then the woman tries to decide everything in her life herself. So she just ruins herself and turns into a really pathetic creature.

For example, when a man meets and says that it would be time to “deepen the relationship”, the woman calmly and tactfully answers - I don’t think so. If a man insists, a woman can answer like this - I respect you, you are a very good person, I like you, and I would not want to beat you on the hands every time.

. expresses his disagreement with the opinion of a man in a light form of a joke

2 mistakes. The first - a woman does not express disagreement and slowly loses herself as a person, the second - categorically disagrees (often this happens after 10 years of complete consent). In disagreement, “you are a fool” should not sound, since men tend to see a reproach in any disagreement.

No one can make a woman happy except herself. If happiness is already there, any person comes like a big magnifying glass. If the woman is unhappy, then the man will also come with a magnifying glass, and in a few years she will only become more unhappy.

If in marriage a woman waits for a man to make her happy, she will never wait for it., and even goes berserk, “that the bastard didn’t make me happy, he was never interested in my needs, and I spent the best years of my life on you.”

A man does not have a goal to make an unhappy woman not unhappy, he has a goal to make a happy woman even happier.

And many thanks to Julia for raising the topic! This is synchronicity with my thoughts :).

How to strengthen female dignity?

Today we will talk about the relationship between a man and a woman, or rather, about how you can strengthen your feminine dignity and attract a worthy partner.

Worthy man

When I communicate with clients on the topic “what kind of man would you like to see next to you”, almost everyone in their wishes wants a worthy man.

And he easily describes what exactly this manhood is.

Guess how a man goes from shitty to decent?

A man is valued by what he does.

A woman is already a value, you understand?

Just by birthright, because you were born in the body of a woman.

Why does a man not want to get married?

One of the basic reasons for this is the lack of energy of dignity in a woman.

When you do not have this energy (or it is weak), your feminine power is lost.

Such women quickly agree to everything that is not offered.

The dignity of a woman is smeared when she has many men. A man feels this, he does not want to marry a "passage yard."

Do you think that in vain at all times virgins were so revered as wives?

Of course, the time is different now and I do not urge everyone to be nuns.

Speech in another.

We value more what we get with more effort. A man just needs this feeling that he has conquered you, he must tense up and sweat his soul before he gets you.

A woman is a prize, a GIFT, and not like that - a coupon discount, “if you buy today, you get it cheaper.”

You have to appreciate yourself, my dear!

If a woman has not strained a man in a good way, he will not have respect.

Available women are intended for completely different purposes, they are not married (this is in Pretty Woman only in movies, but in fairy tales).

And we are not talking about manipulations, stervology, etc. I'm talking about understanding and awareness of your inner value, your feminine dignity.

Where does the energy of female dignity merge:

Direct aggression in a tough form directed at a man
gossip, unkind and poisonous words addressed to someone also take away your energy
triple alliances (when you have 2 men, or he has a mistress)
when you allow yourself to be humiliated, you play the role of a victim in a relationship
A separate topic is when you step on the same rake, repeating scenarios in a relationship.

I will write about this some other time.

How to strengthen your feminine dignity?

For starters, stop weakening it. Reread it again, what weakens it, and if you find points about yourself, urgently minimize it, or even better, remove it from your life.

For example, if you and your girlfriends like to chat, discuss someone, gossip in a women's circle, stop doing that. A simple test - would you say the same thing in the presence of this person? If the answer is no, then it's gossip.

And in this way you voluntarily drain your energy, moving men away from you. If you don’t see the connections at the logic level, this is normal. Just take my word for it. :)

And now about strengthening.

Strengthens your feminine dignity when you begin to respect and appreciate other people.

Even when there is nothing to respect them for. Especially when there is nothing to respect them for.

Practical exercise

Think of 5 people from your environment (both men and women are possible). Take a piece of paper and write in front of each name a list of things for which this person can be respected. Minimum 5 points for each.

If at first it is difficult, take people with whom you have a good relationship.

Now remember the person whom you do not like, condemn, do not respect, etc.

And write the same list about him.

Something like this (here is my actual list in relation to one person):

I respect you for:

That you are a professional
strive for a better life
constantly developing yourself
easily find new like-minded people
love people
Each item can also be said aloud, imagining this person sitting next to you.

Notice how attitudes change before and after the exercise.

And remember: you are doing this FOR YOURSELF first of all.

After all, you deserve it! Do you agree?

With love, Tatyana Rusina.

Let's talk about another aspect that is important for every woman. This is especially true for Russian women. For girls raised by Soviet parents. For those who have many childhood traumas. For those who have complex female gender scenarios.

It's about women's dignity. Two positions are very common:

• Dignity is pride. So it's a sin.
• I deserve all the best, because I am the best (that is, pride itself)

Both of these positions have nothing to do with dignity. The first - develops in women a sense of guilt and their own worthlessness. It is women with this position that allow men to treat themselves cruelly and rudely.

The second position is pride. Which destroys our relationships with other people and interferes with Love. It is from this position that women decide the fate of others, easily break three or four hearts a day, humiliate and terrorize their husbands.

There is nothing to do with self-esteem here. Then where is it? And why is it needed?

Self-esteem is the understanding that I am a soul. And I am a part of God. So, I have everything the same as God. Only in smaller quantities. He is the ocean and I am the drop. Our composition is identical. But the weight is different.

This means that I am good. Initially, I am pure, beautiful, bright and full of Love. I may not behave very well. I may not be very nice. I can get dirty sometimes. But all this does not change my inner essence. Because even under a layer of dirt - I'm still the same clean drop. It's just harder to see and feel.

And this is not pride, because pride is if I consider good not only myself, but all my actions. Even mean, low and ugly.

Self-esteem is essential for every person. Especially for women - it so happened historically that this feeling was gradually destroyed in us. And we ourselves continued this work, calling dignity - pride. And they began to destroy it as a sin.

Why do you need a sense of self-esteem:

• To build healthy relationships. If I value myself, I will not settle for a relationship that is obviously doomed. I will be very selective in my choice of husband, friends, work. I will look for such people next to whom I will feel good. With whom it will be easy for me to do well and right.
• To realize your potential. How many creative people do not show their talent in the world, considering it to be nonsense! How many amazing paintings no one will ever see, because the artist considered himself mediocre and threw away the brush. How many sonatas the world will not hear, because the composer was sure that he was mediocrity. In order to create and show the world your creations, you need to know that you deserve it.
• In order to calmly allow yourself to take care of yourself. This is a big problem for many women - they do not consider themselves worthy of a massage once a week or a new dress once a month. She does not consider herself entitled to leave the house for half an hour, leaving the children with her husband, just to walk. Thus, they deprive themselves of a sense of happiness, and their children - a good mother.
• To receive love. From the world, from people, from parents, from husband, from children, from friends. You need to feel like you deserve it. Then you will not have phobias that everyone lies to you. Then you will not try to curry favor, earn love, work. You can accept it openly and gratefully.
• To give love. After all, in order to give, you must first accumulate it in yourself. And if you do not learn to accept it, you will not be able to give anything. Not to my children, not to my husband, not to the world.

What is the difference between women's self-esteem and men's?

The most important difference is that:

• A man considers himself more worthy if he has achieved and achieved a lot. This makes his self-esteem high and adequate.
• A woman feels worthy when she is loved. And the more people love her, the higher her level of self-esteem.

We often chase achievements, hoping that the next booty or trophy will make us more confident and happier. But if we understand that the most important happiness for us is in relationships, then we can save a lot of time and energy.

And if we remember that we are all drops and we are all children of the ocean, it will become even easier. It's easier to understand that I'm good. Then you can look for ways to cleanse, other patterns of behavior and response.

But this will happen from a completely different platform. Platforms - I'm good. I deserve it. And I want to match my father, the ocean - in purity, beauty and transparency.