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It focuses on adult problems

One possible reason is that the child is raised in a family as a partner of adults. Adults communicate with him as an equal. This happens when a mother shares her experiences with her daughter as a friend. When too much responsibility is delegated to a child. When he should help, sympathize, support adult conversations and he is encouraged in every possible way when adults like him. As a result, the child develops an “internal controller”: he is entirely focused on the problems of adults, tries to behave towards them as he should, as he should, because they expect something from him! The surrounding children seem empty to such a child, behaving strangely. He doesn’t understand what it means to be free and at ease. Running, pushing, screaming - how is it? For what? Usually the roles in families where children with such problems grow up are skewed. The parents supposedly raised the still fragile little man to their level, and the result was neither an adult nor a child. A person who thinks something like this: dad is doing everything wrong - why is he quarreling with mom? Or: mom is so good, but unhappy, because dad hurts her and grandma yells at her. It turns out that the mother is small, and he, the child, is big. Adults need to work on their relationships and not burden their children with them. Instead, they proudly say: “For me, a daughter is not a child, but a friend!” or “My son is my only support!” In these cases, it would not hurt parents to realize who is supporting whom. It is important that the child sees in them a model of adult behavior and attitude towards life.

He's just shy

The task of the parents of a shy child is to help him master the space. And here it is very important not to put pressure on him: “Go meet the guys, play with the guys!” Perhaps he will step over himself, he will go, but he will also learn the lesson that his inner experiences are not particularly important to you. If you want your child to play with children, stop talking to your friends while walking, take a step to the playground, start some kind of game with your child and involve two or three more children in it. You can start communicating in a situation that is more comfortable for the child - invite one or two children to visit. Next to you and in a familiar environment, your child will feel much freer. Then you can create a situation for the children to play on their own. If parents at least sometimes play with their children’s peers, take them out of town or into the forest with their child, their son or daughter gains a certain status in the children’s company, they communicate with him more and more willingly.

Play together

The ability to communicate with peers is formed in a child after three years, very gradually. By the age of four or five, children become more and more willing to participate in group games, but it is better to play them under the guidance of an adult. He will explain the rules and invite other children. It is still difficult for five-year-old children to play independently: they shout and push, and cannot always understand the essence of the game. It’s easier if children of different ages play: five-year-olds run according to the rules set by eight- to nine-year-olds. In general, it is very important that children play not only educational and developmental games, but also games with roles and rules: hide and seek, Cossack robbers, rounders. These games are very ancient, archetypal, different versions of them have existed among many peoples since time immemorial. While playing them, the child communicates with peers, learns to work in a team, he has emotional contact with others, and at the same time he follows the rules - ideal conditions for personal development! 1

With other children, the better this affects his development and ability to adapt to society. The child’s inability to establish contacts with peers makes it much more difficult for him to get used to new social conditions.

Just as a child learns to get along with peers in childhood, so he will maintain relationships with relatives in the family, with acquaintances, and with colleagues at work. An adult should help children establish contacts with each other.

Properly organized communication:

• enriches children with impressions;
• is a source of various;
• teaches to empathize, rejoice, get angry, stand up for your rights;
• helps overcome shyness;
• promotes personality development;
• forms an idea of ​​another person - a peer;
• begins to develop the ability to understand other people;
• prepares for subsequent communication with peers.

Communication with peers also has its own ontogenesis. M.I. Lisina identified several of its stages.

• Emotional-practical communication (2-4 years) based on imitation, joint activity, vivid emotions. The main means of communication at this stage are locomotion and expressive movements. Children of this age usually see themselves in a peer, but do not notice his individual characteristics. Observations of 12-month-old babies show that none of them pays practically any attention to other children. At 18 months, episodes of cooperation are random, but they already exist, and at two years, almost all children are capable of cooperation.
• Situational business communication (4-6 years). During this period, role play flourishes, and the child’s attention begins to be attracted by peers. The main content of communication is business cooperation; competitiveness and competitiveness begin to appear.
• Non-situational business (6-7 years). At this stage, “pure” communication becomes possible, when children can talk without action. Empathy and selfless help begin to appear, which marks the beginning of friendship.

At school age The social situation of a child's development revolves around learning activities, so the circle of significant adults expands to include teachers. Friendship with peers is largely determined by the attitude of the teacher.

During adolescence the situation changes radically: the authority of the peer group increases sharply, and the opinion of elders fades into the background for a long time.

Mature communication between adults characterized by decentration (the ability to accept the position of another without merging with it), responsibility, personal attitude towards the interlocutor and respect for his individuality. Mature communication is free from object-based manipulative tendencies and is a condition and manifestation of a person’s ability for personal growth and self-actualization (E. Fromm). Age-related transformations in the nature of children’s communication with each other, its features are presented below (Table 7.3).

Table 7.3
Changes in children's interactions with peers as they age

Child's age
	1. Kids prefer to look at pictures where people are depicted, and especially children. 2. Shows interest in a peer as interesting. object of research, in connection with which he can: - push another; - sit astride another; - look at the fallen child with curiosity; - pulling his hair, etc.; - transfer some action from the toy to a peer. 3. A peer performs for a child: - like an interesting toy; - like some semblance of himself
	1. Kids can calmly do their own thing business (with your toy), for example, playing in one sandbox, occasionally glancing at each other. Wherein they usually look at the hands of a peer, observe how he plays. 2. The presence of a peer nearby activates child. 3. Peers can exchange toys, but they they happily take others’ money and have difficulty giving their own
	1. Interest in a peer is clearly expressed. Seeing a peer the baby jumps, screams, squeals, and such “pampering” is of a universal nature. 2. Although kids get a lot of pleasure from joint games, but a toy appeared in sight or an adult approaching distracts children from each other
	Communication with peers begins to occupy an increasing place in children’s lives (Fig. 7.5). This is due to the fact that an idea is formed about another person - a peer

Rice. 7.5. Meaningful communication with peers (by 3 years)

Communicating as equals, children:

• strive to interest themselves;
• invent different ways to attract attention to themselves;
• demonstrate their skills to each other;
• are sensitive to any action of a peer;
• they strive to compare the actions of another with their own - a peer in this sense acts as a kind of mirror in which the child sees his reflection.

Therefore, communication is a powerful means of developing self-awareness and forming a correct image of oneself.

Situation. Anya, seeing her friend’s tights with a bright patch in the shape of an apple, tore hers and asked her mother to sew them up the same way.

What happened?

Solution. This situation characterizes how kids strive to show interest in another child and how they want to arouse his interest in themselves.

At what point should children be taught to communicate?

This should be done when the child begins to show interest in other children. It is necessary to take into account that attention to a peer is often combined with treating him as an interesting object. Children prefer to communicate with those who understand them better (Fig. 7.6).

Rice. 7.6.

Question. How does the development of a child’s speech affect the nature of communication with peers?

Answer. A child who speaks correctly and knows how to play usually understands his peer well and quickly comes into contact with him.

Exercise. Observe the process of adaptation of the child to new conditions in the group. Note:

• on the child’s actions with the toy, their duration, variety, and the child’s concentration on the game;
• on his reaction after an adult’s offer to play, on the nature of this reaction;
• whether he explores new toys and how his interest manifests itself;
• does he turn to anyone for help when he fails?

Exercise. Observe whether the baby feels the need to communicate with peers. Analyze the features of his behavior according to the plan.

• Attention and interest in a peer, how he views the peer, his face, figure, actions, etc.
• Emotional attitude towards a peer, whether there is a manifestation of pleasure from meeting and contact, how deeply the child is focused on what the peer is doing.
• The child’s desire and ability to respond to actions addressed to him, sensitivity to the initiative of a peer.

Exercise. Observe the behavior of children in a quarrel situation:

• because of toys;
• due to the desire to sit closer to the teacher;
• because of something else.

Question. At what point should children be taught to communicate? What role does the adult play in this process?

Answer. Children need to be taught to communicate from the moment they begin to show interest in each other. The child's attention to other children is usually combined with his attitude towards peers as interesting objects. The main role in this process belongs to the adult.

Situation. Two 3-year-old children happily communicate with each other. How might children behave if an adult places a toy (for example, a car) between them?

Give psychological reasons for your answer.

Solution. Communication in this situation will stop, since the toy will act as a bone of discord and disrupt the harmony of relationships. The appearance of a toy provokes a situation of struggle between children for an attractive thing.

Situation. In studies by L.N. Galiguzova and E.O. Smirnova, 1.5-year-old children were shown different images. In the first case, a smiling woman appeared on the screen, then toys, animals, and finally, the face of a laughing small child.

Predict the children's reaction to these three groups of pictures. What images will be preferable for a child?

Solution. Children react vividly to all the pictures. They smile joyfully, laugh, and name what they see. This is not surprising, because an adult is a central figure in a child’s life, and toys always arouse keen interest in him.

Children aged 1-3 years prefer to look at people, and among people, peers attract special attention. This attractiveness is explained by what the baby sees in him. yourself: looking at the face, facial expressions, and clothes of a peer, the baby seems to see himself from the outside. Even one-year-old children, not yet able to express in words their attitude towards their peer, carefully examine his image.

Situation. Children 2-3 years old, when communicating with each other, often quarrel and complain about each other.

What are the possible causes of quarrels?

Determine the expected behavior tactics of the adult.

Solution. Children's quarrels can arise due to the fact that:

• children at this age do not yet know the rules of communication with each other;
• they do not know how to express their condition in words;
• they cannot wait for another child to satisfy their needs.

To minimize the risk of controversial situations, there should be a sufficient number of identical toys. These toys must be positioned so that children can see them. It is also advisable that children do not interfere with each other while playing. It is important to teach the child to express his thoughts in words and show him examples of joint actions. If one of the babies is crying, then you should attract the attention of all children to him, express sympathy in words and actions, calm the baby with light stroking, whisper kind words in his ear, and draw his attention to other toys.

Situation. Sometimes there are children in the group who bite and hit others, that is, they clearly express aggressiveness. This behavior manifests itself in relation to both adults and children, toys.

Explain possible reasons for this behavior, supplementing the reasons given in the solution to the previous situation.

Solution. In addition to the reasons indicated in the answer to the previous problem, it is necessary to pay special attention to the fact that a child’s aggressiveness can be associated both with frustrating moments and as a result of imitating the aggressive actions of his parents or his older brothers and sisters.

Situation. Many parents believe that shortcomings in children's pronunciation are corrected by practice and force their children to repeat 100 times a day: “Natasha is porridge” or sing: “Sasha walked along the highway and sucked on a dryer!”

Are the parents' actions correct?

Solution.“This is absolutely wrong!” - warns speech therapist L. G. Kiktenko. She believes that parents can help their child themselves:

• if the baby changes some consonant sounds to others (for example, instead of “W” he gets “S”, instead of “L” - “V”);
• when the correct sound in the child’s speech occasionally appears, but disappears in combination with other consonants;
• if he confuses hard and soft consonants, for example, softens the consonants “L”, “T” where this is not required, or, conversely, does not know how to pronounce them softly;
• if he replaces voiced consonants with voiceless ones (“D” with “T”, “B” with “P”, “V” with “F”).

You should contact a speech therapist if baby:

• sticks out his tongue during speech, speaks “smearedly”, stumbling;
• Pronounces many sounds incorrectly.

If your baby cannot cope with the whistling sounds “S”, “Z”, “C”, then you can use the lesson of speech therapist L. G. Kiktenko, published in the magazine “Health” 1.

1 Kiktenko L. G. Learning in play with the help of a speech therapy fairy tale // Health, 1999. - No. 10. - P. 75.

2 920 0 Difficulties in communication among modern teenagers are a pressing problem for many parents. Live interaction with peers has been replaced by chats, bots, social networks, video games and consoles.

Many teenagers are characterized by isolation and a poor social circle. But without the ability to establish connections in the modern world, it is very difficult to achieve heights. With developed technologies, you need to be one step ahead of everyone, know a little more than everyone else, be able to establish connections with the right people in order to somehow achieve the desired position in society.

What to do if your child has difficulty communicating with peers and is very shy? How can I help him?

Luckily, you are a modern parent. You follow modern trends and can help a young member of society from the height of your lived experience.

It all starts with family. Begin to take an interest in your child’s life, find out more about his feelings and experiences. Don’t criticize his feelings and judgments; for you they are “empty nonsense,” but for him they are a bundle of teenage experiences that need help to cope with. Ask more leading questions on topics that interest your child. If you don’t know what your child is talking about, the Internet can help you! Study topics that interest him, and at dinner demonstrate that you would be interested in learning more about it from him. The child will be pleasantly surprised that his parents are so deeply interested in his hobbies.

The main thing in this is not to go too far and not force the child to talk. Everything is on a voluntary basis.

How to develop communication skills in a child aged 3-7 years

If your child from 3 to 7 years, will help you establish contacts and develop interaction skills in a group a game. At this age, children learn everything through play. Play more with your child, trying on different roles. Show him, through play, different models of behavior in a given situation.

For example, you can play the game “What will happen if...” with your child. To do this, invite your child to answer the questions and discuss his answers with him:

• If someone accidentally pushed you, what would you do?
• If you are teased, what will you do?
• If your friend was given a new toy, would you be happy for him?
• If your friend shared a secret with you, but you really want to tell it, what would you do?
• If you were treated to something very tasty, would you share it with someone? With whom?

It is very important to lead the child to the correct answer, then he will get the impression that he himself came to this idea. This builds positive self-esteem in the child and gives him confidence.

It is very important, at this age, to teach a child to recognize different feelings and emotions. Play a game with your child where he will need to demonstrate different emotions. For example, when someone is sad, or very happy, when a person ate something very sour or got very angry, etc.

Introduce your child to one of his peers. Having one friend will give the child confidence and he will be able to get to know each other on his own.

At this age, praise is very important. Praise your child more often it will also give him confidence. And if there is more criticism in your vocabulary than praise, then by the age of 7, reap the benefits in the form of a shy and timid child.

Also, read our article about. This article is suitable for the age group up to 5 years.

How to develop a teenager's communication skills

In adolescence, it is important to build contacts with peers, without compromising your studies.

The main rule for all ages is to communicate more with your child. Be interested in what his peers are interested in. Help your child fit in with the crowd (change his image, get a crazy hairstyle, buy him a skateboard, send him to some courses). After all, if a child feels comfortable among his peers, it will be easier for him to make friends. With a positive effect (correct setting of priority goals, positive influence of peers), the child will become more confident in himself, will respond more in class and take on additional assignments, which means his performance will improve.

You can also give your child some tips for making friends among their peers. We have made a small selection of such tips for you, based on the advice of child psychologist and sociologist T. Armstrong, from his book. You can read a review of this book on our website.

• Listen carefully to everything others say. Let your friends speak and focus on what they have to say. Don't draw all the attention to yourself and don't interrupt. Learn active listening (a teenager can already master this technique). Let the other person know that you are listening attentively through smiling, nodding, “uh-huh” and “uh-huh,” and leading questions.
• Be yourself! Shyness and reticence will not prevent others from thinking that you know how to communicate. You can win over a person if you ask the right questions and listen carefully to the answers.
• Find common interests. In a conversation, try to find common topics that are of interest to both you and your interlocutor. Talk with friends about the book you read, the new movie you watched, the latest hockey game, or new video game.
• Connect with people with similar interests. For example, you are an athlete and have long wanted to meet guys from a team older than you in age. Go for it!
• Set yourself a goal- meet new people every day, week or month.
• Get involved in school life. Sign up for some club or section, take part in various programs and competitions, give more reports and presentations, etc.

If your child is experiencing Difficulty speaking in front of a large audience, help him with advice, for example:

• Try to speak out loud every day a little more than yesterday.
• As long as you speak, don't worry about what others think of you.
• When responding with a report, speak loudly, clearly and slowly. And remember, if at this time you want to speak in a whisper, mumble, or blurt out everything at once, then in the end you will have to repeat everything from the beginning. So it's better to do everything right right away.
• Breathe deeply - this is well-worn advice, but effective. Deep breathing is calming.
• Practice performing at home in front of your parents or one of your friends.

• Look for opportunities to learn something. Every person you meet:

* knows something that you don’t know;

** I know people you haven’t met yet;

*** did something you've never done.

Think how much you can learn from everyone you meet!

• Don't rush to label. It is very easy to call a person a nerd, a loser, or a smartass, without even trying to get to know him better. Instead, find out what you can have in common with these people and what you can learn from them.
• Add all your classmates on social networks. This way, if someone is sick, they will be pleased to receive a get well soon message or the latest news in class/school for the day they missed.

However, you can choose methods to help your child establish friendly relationships with peers, taking into account his characteristics (psychological, moral and physical).

Good luck and communicate more with your children!

Psychologist, 16 years of practical experience. Olga works in the following areas: Gestalt therapy, Psychodrama, Systemic family therapy, Short-term psychodynamic psychotherapy.

Alesya Sergeevna Chernyavskaya,
leading prevention specialist
social orphanhood of a public organization
"Belarusian SOS Foundation-Children's Village"

Being a parent is a hard job that moms and dads do, often without special skills or training. And if you somehow manage to cope with the problems of young children that arise in the family circle, then sometimes it’s not possible to maintain your sanity and react correctly to the child’s experiences, for example, due to the lack of friends in kindergarten, on the street or at school.

Thus, for most parents, their child’s life seems successful and happy when their son or daughter is among friends and communicates closely with their peers. But as soon as you hear the phrases “why doesn’t my friend hang out with me”, “no one wants to be friends with me”, “I won’t go out on the street, I’m sad there”, a feeling of helplessness and despair arises, anger at other children, their parents and your own child , even to the point of self-accusation. After all, a kindergarten or school company is a simplified model of society and in it the skill of relationships with others is practiced, and the reaction of peers to a child shapes his self-image and attitude towards his personality.

At the same time, before drawing conclusions and taking active actions, it is worth understanding what the child means by the concept of “friendship”, trying to understand why he cannot occupy the desired position in the children’s team, find a friend and/or maintain a relationship with him. And resolving this issue requires great delicacy.

What is friendship? There are a lot of definitions for this word. But if we generalize them and apply them to relationships between children, then friendship is a close and voluntary relationship that is a source of emotional support and empathy for the child. For the first time, an interest in contact with other children arises in a 2-3-year-old child, who would rather share a scoop and bucket with a familiar boy or girl than with an unknown one, and give a car and a doll to a peer rather than an adult.

As children get older 3-6(7) years will be friends with those who offer to play with their toys or treat them with candy, do not sneak, do not cry or fight. And since almost a third of preschoolers are friends with someone, the word “friend” is firmly established in the children’s dictionary in 3-5 years of life. Friendship for 3-6 year old child- this is an opportunity to visit, play together, have fun, protect from offenders and feel sorry for a friend, as well as forgive a friend and apologize to him. At the same time, almost all friendly relations during this period are built on the principle of “good for good, evil for evil.”

IN 6(7)-9(10) years of age Education is of great importance for children. Younger schoolchildren are more likely to be friends with peers who are loyal and smart, who cheat, who share school supplies, and who are of the same gender as them. The child also chooses a friend based on the geographical principle - sits at the same desk with him, attends the same clubs or lives nearby. Friendship is rather perceived by schoolchildren as mutually beneficial cooperation that does not require understanding and acceptance of the interests of their friend. At the same time, almost all boys build businesslike and substantive relationships with each other, while girls attach special importance to interpersonal trusting contacts. Despite the fact that 80-90% of children have friends and the bonds of friendship are very strong, they, as a rule, do not last long.

It should be noted that by the end of primary school (8-10 years) Children acquire the concept of obligation to each other, they begin to realize and take into account the feelings of the other, building friendship on positions of mutual assistance. Therefore, the interruption of friendships, for example due to a move to another school, is perceived painfully by the child, even to the point of experiencing a feeling of real loss and grief. True, until he finds new friends. Sometimes friendships end due to the emergence of other interests, as a result of which children turn to new friends who can satisfy their needs. During this period, according to researchers, the presence of even a single close friend helps the child overcome the negative impact of hostility from other children.

Note that real friendship between teenagers is a very complex and ambiguous phenomenon. At one time, mutual support, spending time together, and mutual trust may appear, and at another, sovereignty, rivalry, and even conflict. This is largely due to the fact that a teenager is looking for his own individuality and strives to satisfy his emotional and psychological needs. As a result, he develops trusting relationships with several children, which makes the participants in the friendly union simultaneously dependent and autonomous from each other.

Compared to younger schoolchildren, in a teenager The importance of direct everyday contact with a friend decreases, but the role of empathy and understanding in relationships increases significantly. In his opinion, a friend is an ideal person who embodies all the best and for whom one can even make a sacrifice. In addition, adolescents are especially characterized by a phenomenon called “anticipation of communication” in psychology. Its essence is that the child is constantly in search of communication and is always open to contact. Therefore, if it is not possible to be friends with the one with whom you want, or as a result of some conflict there is a cooling in the relationship, the teenager can go for casual relationships, just so as not to be left alone.

A typical manifestation of friendly psychotherapy is face-to-face and telephone communication. Such communication takes about 3-4 hours on weekdays and up to 9 hours on weekends. Despite the fact that, according to many parents, this conversation seems to be “about nothing,” psychologically it is more important than any meaningful conversation at this age. However, the boundless openness, frankness and trust of these relationships often bring negative consequences. At the moment of a quarrel, in order to hurt the other more, former comrades can tell others the most cherished secrets of their friend.

Gender differences are also clearly evident in youth friendships. Girls are more emotional and intimate in their relationships. They have fewer close friends than boys, and they prefer to date each of them separately rather than all at once. In addition, if the main friend for a boy is a peer of the same sex, then for a girl the ideal friend is a boy older than her in age. That is, for high school girls, the word “friendship,” used to describe relationships, is often just a veiled name for emerging love.

Despite the fact that the characteristics of children's friendships have been studied quite deeply, parents should always take into account that each child is formed in his own way. This is due not only to the properties of the nervous system and temperament, but also to the developmental conditions that give uniqueness to age-related manifestations common to all. However, at any age, starting from 3-4 years, for a child the importance of contacts with friends is invaluable. Therefore it is Parents must take responsibility and take active action if the child:

. complains about the lack of friends and the reluctance of peers to communicate with him;

Reluctantly goes or rejoices at any opportunity not to go to kindergarten, school or club;

It doesn’t tell anything about classmates or friends whom you met, for example, on the street or in the sports section;

Doesn’t want to call anyone, invite them to visit, or no one calls him or invites him to his place;

He spends all day alone doing something at home (reading, playing computer games, watching TV, etc.).

Before intervening in the situation and helping the child solve the problem, parents should as soon as possible understand the causes of this disharmony. Psychologists have long noticed that the better a child’s relationship with his parents, the easier it is for him to find a common language with his peers. Therefore, violations in the sphere of family education often have a negative impact on the child’s ability to establish friendly contacts. Excessive guardianship of children by parents, forced restriction of a child’s communication with other children, a ban on inviting friends into the house, lack of conditions for the child’s self-affirmation and denial of his right to act independently can lead to psychological unpreparedness to communicate with peers.

A child may also have problems making friends due to personal (increased emotionality, isolation and shyness) and external characteristics (excessive obesity, unpleasant facial features, developmental differences). And since the children's group is a rather cruel community, those who are unable to fit into the group are mercilessly expelled.

The reason that a child cannot find a friend or maintain a relationship with him is often associated with the fact that modern children often play alone and often with a computer. As a result, both boys and girls do not know simple ways to get to know each other, cannot show complicity and empathy, or express support for their friend, which, together with the “inability” to speak with peers in their language, leads to the child’s rejection from his peers. Further, due to dissatisfaction in communication, he becomes aggressive, he can hide his problems under bravado or buffoonery, or withdraw into himself and become depressed.

It should be noted that the child and his parents are not always to blame for the fact that certain children cannot find a friend in a new team. Sometimes the mechanisms of mutual likes and dislikes, which are still little studied by psychologists, work. So, some children are extremely attractive to their peers, while others, no worse than them, are not. Some experts suggest that selectivity is based on the ability of sought-after children to maximally satisfy the social needs of their peers.

Having determined the cause of the problem, you need to calmly and unobtrusively begin to correct the situation, adhering to the following rules:

1. Give the child the opportunity to communicate with friends and his peers. For example, get people interested in activities in clubs or sections, go to visit families where there are children, invite neighbors and peers home, organize children's parties.

2. Provide children with the opportunity to act independently, show initiative and their abilities.

3. Help the child make peace with his friends and strive to learn as much as possible about them.

4. Try to spend quality time with the child, for example, play, have fun, play pranks, as if “on an equal footing.”

5. Teach your child to openly and calmly express his own opinion, prove it without raising his voice, without hysterics or offense.

Initially, a child who is upset and faced with something unfamiliar, unexpected and frightening due to the lack of friends should be given emotional support. Often, each parent does what he can, because no one has the ideal solution. The most important thing is that in a difficult situation something will be said and often it doesn’t really matter what words they are. For a child, the main thing is that the words are spoken, his “sadness” speaks and moves from the category of “tragedy” to a less painful level.

It is important for a son or daughter of any age to feel that a loving adult is ready to listen to him, recognizes him as a trustworthy person, shares his grief, is ready to help and support. “I see that you are sad (angry, afraid, offended). It’s really a shame when the guys don’t take part in the game (hearing ridicule, always being alone at recess, etc.) You would like your relationship with the guys in the class to be different.”

The variants of words that parents pronounce may be different. But there are basic points that children need to hear. Firstly, if a friend “doesn’t hang out” with him/her, this does not mean at all that he/she is not worthy of love. Secondly, no matter what he/she is, it is impossible to be loved by everyone without exception. Thirdly, he/she also accepts someone as a friend and ignores someone. Fourth, joint analysis of possible causes of the conflict. Perhaps he/she reminds his friend of someone he/she doesn't like, or he/she did something without meaning to that the friend didn't like. And finally, it is important to make it clear to the child that in any case, the light did not fall like a wedge on this friend. It is worth thinking with your son or daughter about who he/she could count on in his/her class, who could become a new friend and where to find him/her.

In addition to providing support to a child who finds himself in a difficult situation, close attention must be paid to the system of relationships between adult family members, as well as to the practiced methods of education. Most parents today live too stressful a life, and they simply do not have the strength to communicate normally with their child. They are required to cope well with all their many responsibilities: this includes family, career, and much more. Therefore, many parents do not have the energy, patience and desire to do everything that is required. And when something is missing, that “something” almost always turns out to be family life.

At the same time, the main thing is the right direction of education. Children need live communication with their parents, since it is during direct contact that a son or daughter gains self-confidence, forms their own identity and life values. So, by devoting 10 minutes in the morning and one hour in the evening to confidential communication, you can get a miracle. Spending leisure time together is also important, because growing children are more oriented toward behavior than words. Therefore, among the memories of adults about the happiest moments of childhood, mostly moments of close proximity with parents are mentioned, for example, during a family trip or a ski trip to the forest. And rarely does anyone remember the gifts and privileges that were received.

It is also important to calm down and stop overly caring and worrying about the child, unquestioningly fulfill any of his wishes and agree with the rules of the game proposed by him. This style of relationship will allow children to learn to solve many problems on their own, cope with their own selfishness and play together with other boys and girls under someone else's guidance.

It will help the child to establish relationships with other children and systematic receptions at the home of parents’ friends, conversations with the son or daughter on various topics. For example, conversations about childhood friends of mom and dad: how they met, how they were friends, what they played, what pranks they committed, and even how they quarreled and made up. Thanks to such stories, you can show your child without moralizing that being friends is great. A useful lesson for children will be the interested attitude of parents towards their friends and girlfriends. To do this, you need to start conversations with your son or daughter more often about his comrades, express a positive attitude towards them, for example: “How is your friend Andrey? He is so kind and cheerful (or smart and quick-witted, loyal and reliable, honest and attentive)!”

When changing parental settings, you should work with the child in parallel. The preschool period is especially important for acquiring dating skills and maintaining friendships. Young children, especially shy ones, should be taught to make acquaintances with the help of their favorite toys. So, a bunny (played by a child) is sitting in the sandbox, and a bear (played by one of the parents) wants to meet him. Thus, you can play out options for behavior during acquaintance: how to approach, what and how to say, depending on the situation. Moreover, roles should be changed, constantly complicating and modifying the conditions, for example, the child you are trying to get to know refused, got offended, got angry, started to fight, etc. With the help of toys, you can also teach your child how to behave correctly in a given situation (you want to ride on a swing, but the other child won’t let you), and correct some difficulties in his behavior.

With preschoolers, it is also appropriate to recall situations from your favorite animated films. So, Tiny the Raccoon was helped to make friends with “the one who was sitting in the pond” by his smile (the cartoon “Little Raccoon” based on the fairy tale by Lillian Moore), and the best friend turned out to be not the one who was the most, but the one who came to the rescue in trouble (cartoon “The Greatest Friend” based on the fairy tale by Sofia Prokofieva). The stories of V. Suteev, for example “The Bag of Apples”, stories about Crocodile Gena, Pinocchio, etc. can also be instructive.

An authoritative adult can help a 3-6 year old child, even one who does not know how to communicate, enter the company of children. Preschoolers automatically determine even the teacher’s veiled hostility or sympathy for a particular child. Therefore, by showing a certain disposition and favor to the rejected child, you can introduce him to the play group. The task of adults during this period is to teach the child: a) respect the interests of others, for example, asking permission from the owner of a toy before taking it; b) refuse someone you don’t want to be friends with; c) achieve friendship without “bribing” the desired comrade.

It is important for every parent to know that it is never too late to try to change the negative perception of their son or daughter by peers. Adult family members can help younger schoolchildren and teenagers raise their status in the eyes of their peers, if there are:

. provide children with the opportunity to play or socialize or celebrate something at home (with the condition that the room or apartment will be cleaned afterwards);

Give your son or daughter, for example, a few extra candies for school friends;

Together with your child, make small gifts for friends on the eve of the holidays (New Year, February 23, March 8);

Strive to unexpectedly change the child’s living conditions and social circle as little as possible.

Special skill is required for mothers and fathers when problems with friendly contacts arise in their children in adolescence. Often in this situation, friendships and love relationships are intertwined, and parents are “between a rock and a hard place,” playing a contradictory role. On the one hand, they must take the position of a calm outside observer, and on the other, open to contact, ready to actively listen to them at any time of the day.

To summarize, we note that, despite the statements of some researchers about the superficiality of friendly relations in modern society, about the absence of ideal and deep friendship, about the displacement of real friendly communication by wide groups of friends based on shared entertainment, the presence of true friends is still important for children and adults. True, if earlier communication between peers developed as if by itself and did not require the intervention of an adult, today children need to be specially taught. But the main thing is to start by teaching your child to be a loyal and reliable friend.

Communication is a natural process, but even adults often have questions when establishing personal contacts. Children can become completely confused and scared when meeting or talking with peers. The task of adults is to teach the child to be friends and to correctly assess situations that arise during communication.

Possible problems

Children under the age of 2-3 years, as a rule, are not interested in communicating with peers, but in the game in which they are involved. As boys and girls get older, they begin to bond with playground/daycare mates and even make their first friends. Of course, not everything goes smoothly, and children often experience difficulties in communicating. Conventionally, they can be divided into several categories:

• Conflicts between the child and the team;
• personal conflicts;
• excessive shyness of the child.

Of course, it will not be possible to completely protect children from possible disagreements and problems, but parents should help them establish communication with peers by explaining the basic rules of behavior.

Basics of communication at a young age

Teaching a child communication skills is a subtle and complex “science”. There is no universal method, so it is necessary to find an individual approach to each child. And yet, child psychologists note several important rules that parents should convey to their child:

• Empathy and participation are the key to good relationships. If a friend falls or is scratched, he needs to be supported. If a friend is given a new toy, you should be happy for him. Unfortunately, not all adults learned this important lesson in childhood.
• Friendship should be treasured. The concept of “friendship” is not yet entirely clear to children. They are ready to call a friend a child with whom they played for just one evening. However, now it is important to tell your child about the basis of friendship and companionship - respect, mutual assistance and support.
• You need to be honest and fair. Most children tend to fantasize and embellish reality. And if in the game the use of imagination is encouraged, then in communication with peers, deception is unacceptable. Older children should also understand what “justice” is and how to act in situations where comrades violate its principles.
• Love yourself, but respect others. It is important to instill self-esteem and self-confidence in a child. But at the same time, it is important to explain that self-affirmation by insulting or humiliating one’s comrades is unacceptable.
• They carry water to the offended. It’s easy to offend a child - every adult knows this. The task of parents is to explain to the child that it is not worth reacting sharply to offensive nicknames and bad words from peers. If already in childhood a child learns to be calmer about the provocations of his friends, then in the future his resistance to stress will help him avoid many unpleasant situations.

It is important for parents to understand how the team influences the child’s personality. Very often, a child who is calm and friendly within the walls of the house behaves completely differently in the company of peers. In this case, you need to have educational conversations with the child as often as possible, but not punish him, but try to convey the importance of good behavior.

How to help a timid child find friends?

Naturally modest children find themselves in a rather difficult situation. They are embarrassed to be the first to make new acquaintances, do not take the initiative in games, and often generally prefer to spend time alone or in the company of their parents. Adults need to pay attention to the socialization of timid children, otherwise in the future they may experience severe discomfort when communicating with peers. Parental assistance may include the following:

• Assistance in introducing a child with at least one of your peers. Having support in the form of one friend, it will be easier for the baby to meet new guys.
• Working through scenarios. You can stage your child’s interactions with other children at home, working through especially carefully situations that may confuse the child.
• Increased self-esteem. Perhaps the child is simply not confident in himself. Praise him more often, but avoid outright flattery - a disservice will not lead to anything good.
• Relaxation of control. In some cases, a child’s shyness is associated with excessive control of his actions by his parents. Fearing condemnation or critical evaluation, he will artificially limit communication with other children.

Ultimately, each parent decides for himself how to teach his child to communicate with peers, taking into account the characteristics of his character and the principles of upbringing in the family. But it is important to remember that children often copy the behavior of adults. This means that if difficult situations arise in a children’s team, it is necessary to analyze the relationships within the family and the style of communication practiced by the adults around the child.